family camp

We are off to family camp. It's a time when 50+ people from my dad's side get together and spend the weekend having fun. I've gone every year since I was about 2 or 3. That's the age I entered into my dad's world. I loved it as a kid, I still do. My kids are going to have a blast, they do every year.

This year is going to be a tuff year, it's going to be a weekend I have to face reality. which I try everyday to run from. I'm going to be reminded when I look at my dad and don't see my mom sitting on his lap, holding a drink, and laughing at something my relatives said. I'm going to be reminded when I get ask "what happened or how are you doing" "Tell your mom we miss her" When my kids ask "where is Mi-mi" I don't know how much it is going to be "Family Camp" with out all my family there. I'm not going to have my mom to help when I get overwhelmed, and she tries to make it easier. When I see my dad pick up that drink, I wonder if he's had one too many. I hope I don't have to take care of him, even though I would. I know how much his heart is hurting. I wonder if I'll have to call my mom and tell her it's not the same with out you. Will I have to be strong because my sisters might need me to be? I wish I could go back and have those memories of when my parents were in charge of games and my dad was so proud of what he built, and my mom so proud of what she created. When they smiled at each other, hugged, and would kiss. My aunt dianne would yell "GET a ROOM" I miss those times.

I don't want to face this, how ever I know I have to. I will grow and learn, and pray that God is doing something when I can not see.

I'm going for the kids, they will have fun. Brennan will stay up late roasting marshmellows and running around with his flashlight trying to be brave like the older boys. Leighton will play with her girl cousins make believe and most likely chase the boys around. Hayden will try to keep up with brennan and noah. He'll be dirty like no kid has ever been dirty. Cohen will find a new found courage. staying up late in the dark. Ashlyn will be walking on her wobbly new legs, and probably fall alot. She will enjoy that we will let her get dirty. They will all get to go swimming, climbing tree's, maybe fishing with pa-pa, but mostly enjoying time with there cousins and family they only see once a year. And when I see my kids happy, I will try to climb up on Benji's lap and steel a kiss or two, and remind my self, that this is the lives I live for. These are why I work hard and make right choices. It's going to be a tuff weekend, but I believe it's going to be a good weekend.

pray for me!!!

Simple reminders

In this journey it can be hard. Things may not go as we plan, or we even hope for. I know in many area's of my life I have hoped it would be different. Easier. But when I take the time to look back I see God at his best. Loving, teaching, and strengthening me. At times when I thought I could not make or or handle the hurt or pain, He brought me new found friendships. When I thought all was lost, and not worth the fight, He brought me joy in a kid. When I felt lonely and desperate for love, He brought me a gentle touch of a husband. When I thought I couldn't make a difference, He showed me I could.

I thank you God for the simple reminders, that You are always in control. That if I trust in you, even when it makes no sense, you are doing something in me. The hard ships we go through are meant to strengthen us, and the joys we experience are to refresh us. Thank you for always allowing me see what you have been doing, but also to remember that I don't have to see it to know that you are in control.

Don't forget the love

Benji makes the best cookies, ask anyone. My Grandma even request Benji's cookies every Christmas, and if I offer to bring anything people always ask me if Benji will make some cookies. I have tried and tried to make cookies as good as him, but i never get it right. They just don't come out the same. So Benji always ask me did I put the love in it. When ever I make something and it just doesn't come out right we always joke I must have forgotten the love. Leighton even remembers the love when she cooks, and reminds me to put the love in it. Benji loves to cook, he enjoys everything about it, I cook out of need, we have to have food. I'm a good cook, it's not that i don't know how, it's just I don't exactly enjoy to cook. Benji however loves to and he takes his time to make it perfect, every meal, and he always adds something special or changes a recipe to make it his own. I love this about him.

Where am I going with this, o.k. So I have been struggling in my life in many area's. I've been feeling like I'm not a good wife, I think Benji doesn't want to be around me, I've been feeling I haven't been the best mother, I feel like my family doesn't remember me, like my friends don't really want to be around me. It's been bad, my emotions are going out of control. I haven't been the best to all of them either. So I was crying out to God, or I guess I was complaining that I'm not happy with how things have been going in my life. And I felt him say "Did you put the love in it?" Immediately I knew it was me that had been wrong, not Benji, not my kids, not my family, not my friends. ME!!! I hadn't put the love into all of my relationships, I had been only thinking of myself, and what I should be gaining out of all of that. This is not what God asks of us, He asks us to love everything we do. To enjoy it, and take care of it. The bible says, "But have not love, I gain nothing" 1 cor. 13:4 I wasn't gaining anything. The bible is true to it's words.

It goes on to say "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, ti is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" 1 cor. 13:4-7 I failed all of these in one day. I just thought how wrong do I have it, I had to ask God to forgive me, and thank you for loving me so much that you revealed the truth to me. I'm going to take this one step farther, The bible also says that " God is love 1 john 4:8 So once again I'm reminded with out God in all things, we will fail in our callings as a wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a co-worker, and so on. God calls us to love everything and everyone, so with out God we can not truly love the way he intended.

So I ask you if a relationship is not going the way you feel it should, or you are hurting by something or someone, or if something is not working out the way you think it should, Did you put the love in it?

staying focused

stay focused. i have a beautiful family that i need to care for and love. my husband needs me to be there for him. i need to be strong. stay focused. my kids need a mom who is here for them no matter what. my family needs me first and foremost. they have to stay first. God ruling over all of us. stay focused, i have to keep reminding myself. i may want to venture of and save the world, but i have to answer to the one who first made me his child, gave me a husband to love and cherish, and children to raise up in his ways. staying focused is not an easy thing for me, yes my family is always first but sometimes i need to remind myself, to stay focused.

God thank you for in your subtle ways reminding me what you have called me to. I understand you have more for me, yet i know that i need to care for what i have so graciously been given. your love never stops amazing me.

a hundred kisses you give a day. you never forget the "hugges" either.
a smile that lights up my day. a giggle that lights up my heart. your the silly one i always say.
in our family your everyone's friend. Brennan's buddy, Leighton's pretender, Cohen's fighter, and Ashlyn's entertainer. our family is perfect with you. you bring joy. you provide us with humor. you never know if your going to be daddy's or mommy's for the day, usually mommy's. you are cuddle bugs. your character is a gift. your sensitive. your so goofy. your sneaky. your the happy one. you stole my heart the day you were born. I love you.

my little Hayden.

for who you are

You came to the plate, got in your cute little batting stance, first ball came, you held back. good eye i thought. Second ball came and this one was yours. You hit the ball, you were so excited. I think maybe i was more excited than you. your ran holding your arms up in the air, your team needed this hit. I almost cried when i saw how happy you were. you believed in yourself just as i had instructed you to do. you continued to hit the ball and do well. In everything you do, I pray for you. you always try your best at everything you set your mind to do. Courage is something that you are still learning, you were a very timid little boy, but already as each day passes i see your grow into a little man. Continue to believe in yourself, remember God is always with you, in him we find our strength.

I love you, thank you for who you are.

i pray for you

God, give me your strength so i can share it with her. i need your words and your heart more than ever. she says she's happy but i only hear sadness. teach me how to be a true daughter. i want only happiness in her life, and for her to find you again. it pains me to see her looking in the wrong places for love, when it's you she needs. help me to love her, and speak only good things about her. help to truly forgive her, and to let go of what is already done. reveal yourself to her and give her your strength. show her the beauty you put inside her, and the love she knows. speak to her, confront her, love her. I thank you for her. I pray that i would learn to love her the way you love her. remind me to show mercy, and grace. to see things through your eyes, and to always remember you've never lost control. to trust in you and you alone. call her back to you.

The Core

to tori: thanks for your friendship, I don't think i could ever tell you how much it means to me. you've been there through so much. Over the past years I don't know if I could have made it with out a friend like you. from the loss of a baby to my parents divorce, you have been there through it all. Always having the right words to say. I've always been the friend that people get help from, but i've never had someone who helped me. you are the most genuine person i know. i know that i can trust you with anything, and when i'm weak you convince me i'm strong. I thank God for our friendship. you really inspire those around you to do what God has called them to be. you are a rare friend and i hope that those around you treasure what a gift you are. you truly are my bff. Thank you for challenging me to be better. As I write this last part tears come to my eyes, thank you for your obedience to God, and believing that i can touch lives. with out that i would not be where i am today.


to stephanie: thank you friend, you are amazing. i've never seen a heart of gold like i see on you. you remind me what God has called us to be. i am so excited for you. i am also so proud of you. you are going to be a great mom, this has to be one special child, because God put it with you. you inspire me to love my husband with a genuine love. your beauty shines from the inside out. thank you for embracing me as a friend. you have touched so many lives and will continue to do so. I am so thankful that God has put you in my life. "I love you friend"


to heather: wow you just are a rare find. i've never met someone so beautiful in my whole life. i love being around you, and am forever blessed that you are my friend. your soul shines from with in. i love all your stories, and that you notice the littlest details. i love that you care about my family, and take time to say hi to my kids. (they look for miss heather for gum) you have touched my heart so many times. i know God has good things in store for you, and i hope i get to be along for the ride. i love you heather


to anna: first of all thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. from the moment i met you i fell in love with you. i love being around you, i love that you allow me to be me. i know somethings have not turned out the way planned, but i am so glad you are here. God has something amazing and perfect for you. your love for the lord affects those around you. you are the most giving person, loyal, and caring. i hope our friendship only continues to grow. I pray that happiness is just around the corner for you, in fact as i'm writing this i feel like God is saying hold on, i know, i hear, and it's coming. His blessing for your faithfulness.

to kati: i am truly honored to get to know you. i love being around you, and i am so thankful that God has brought you into my life. thank you for really trying to be my friend. i know that we are going to be good friends and am so excited to see what God has in store for us. I love all your first born characteristics. you are a great wife, and and awesome mother. I pray over you for all those little babies, and stand in faith that you and matt will get your perfect little family. I know God and I know his faithfulness, you hearts desires will be given to you. I can't wait to see this take place.


To you all: Thank you for the core! Even though it started as a joke, it has turned in to something amazing. I thank God for all of you. I believe God is going to something great with all of us.

Cleaning house, much deeper than you think

Today I decided to clean the basement, I decided I can not put it off any longer. The mess was making me crazy, I avoided it, and my kids were driving me crazy. The whole house seemed out of order! (which it really is) I was reminded of a phone conversation I had with a very good friend, about cleaning house. When we were trying to figure out what was wrong with me. As I was talking to her I had a revelation, that my life was like my house, a mess! (Well maybe I'm not that bad) I tend to avoid things, or get overwhelmed at how much I have to do, that everything else suffers. For example, I hate cleaning because I don't know where to start, and when I walk into every room I see how much work I need to do. The bedrooms are a mess, beds need to be made, toys picked up, clothes put away, laundry needs to be done, bathrooms need to be cleaned, the kitchen needs to be cleaned, dishes done, floors swept and mopped, living room needs to be cleaned, dusted, vacuumed, toys put away, and then you have the basement; one huge mess. In all this mess I have 5 children making messes before I can even clean them, a load of dishes before I can even finish the ones I'm doing, and clothes dirty before I can get them cleaned! It's overwhelming!!! So it's hard for me to know where to begin, because I just think it's useless and I tend to try to avoid it for as long as possible. The problem the mess causes everything else to be out of order. It cause me to not feel like I'm good enough, it drives my husband crazy, and my kids seem lost.
So I decided to clean the basement! This is huge! During all this I am struggling on how to balance all my many title's I have. How to have time with God and please him, while being the best wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, hair stylist, and be apart of serving the church. I believe God showed me my life is a house, I have many rooms I need to take care of and attend to. One room might represent me as a wife, another a mother, a friend, a sister, a daughter, get the point. My life is just like this I want them all to be perfect, but I can't do it all at once. So the solution, Start with the basement, The foundation of the house, My relationship with God. Then the other rooms will fall into place.
It's amazing how true this is. If I take care of my relationship with God, I will be a better wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. It's also amazing how in my house when the basement is cleaned the kids play better and there is more peace in my house overall. I'm not saying that my whole house is clean, I'm just saying I'm working on one thing at a time. So right now it's my basement. I can't do it all at once, I have to go into each room at a different time, and do the job it has called me to do.

Potty training

Ahh..The joys of potty training. Here I go again, trying to teach a child how to go to the bathroom, you think I would have this down, well I do, but Cohen however does not! This is day 3 and things are going pretty good, despite the fact that he pooped in his underwear, we have had no other accidents. For Cohen this is wonderful, considering he is my most difficult child. Any one who knows him, I think would agree. I am so proud of the little squirt. He tries his best to get a sucker or bubble gum.
Oh but it's just begun, I can't leave my house for the fear of him peeing all over my van, or the store, I don't like pull-ups they are just diapers and kids just treat them that way. Pull-ups are a help to us, they make it "feel" like we are really potty training our kid, but they are just diapers, in case they pee. If a kid was really potty trained he would be in underwear! I still use them though for my sake.
Please pray for my sanity in these next couple of days, weeks, months, who knows how long this will take.

something more

I have something more inside of me, a dream I can not hold. Is it not my time to understand? It's so much apart of who I am, yet I don't even know. I want to share it with the world and scream it as loud as I can, but no words are yet to come. I am still waiting. For what I do not know. I wish I could tell you more, but this is all I know. A desire so strong that it pulls me from with in. I will continue to chase, until I know. It's something I am scared of, because I do not know. I want it laid out so I can agree. However I know it is not a dream of mine, it is His plan for me. It's a dream that is bigger than me, I can not do it alone, I know this for sure.