family camp

We are off to family camp. It's a time when 50+ people from my dad's side get together and spend the weekend having fun. I've gone every year since I was about 2 or 3. That's the age I entered into my dad's world. I loved it as a kid, I still do. My kids are going to have a blast, they do every year.

This year is going to be a tuff year, it's going to be a weekend I have to face reality. which I try everyday to run from. I'm going to be reminded when I look at my dad and don't see my mom sitting on his lap, holding a drink, and laughing at something my relatives said. I'm going to be reminded when I get ask "what happened or how are you doing" "Tell your mom we miss her" When my kids ask "where is Mi-mi" I don't know how much it is going to be "Family Camp" with out all my family there. I'm not going to have my mom to help when I get overwhelmed, and she tries to make it easier. When I see my dad pick up that drink, I wonder if he's had one too many. I hope I don't have to take care of him, even though I would. I know how much his heart is hurting. I wonder if I'll have to call my mom and tell her it's not the same with out you. Will I have to be strong because my sisters might need me to be? I wish I could go back and have those memories of when my parents were in charge of games and my dad was so proud of what he built, and my mom so proud of what she created. When they smiled at each other, hugged, and would kiss. My aunt dianne would yell "GET a ROOM" I miss those times.

I don't want to face this, how ever I know I have to. I will grow and learn, and pray that God is doing something when I can not see.

I'm going for the kids, they will have fun. Brennan will stay up late roasting marshmellows and running around with his flashlight trying to be brave like the older boys. Leighton will play with her girl cousins make believe and most likely chase the boys around. Hayden will try to keep up with brennan and noah. He'll be dirty like no kid has ever been dirty. Cohen will find a new found courage. staying up late in the dark. Ashlyn will be walking on her wobbly new legs, and probably fall alot. She will enjoy that we will let her get dirty. They will all get to go swimming, climbing tree's, maybe fishing with pa-pa, but mostly enjoying time with there cousins and family they only see once a year. And when I see my kids happy, I will try to climb up on Benji's lap and steel a kiss or two, and remind my self, that this is the lives I live for. These are why I work hard and make right choices. It's going to be a tuff weekend, but I believe it's going to be a good weekend.

pray for me!!!