A Loss

A friend from my past asked to be my friend on facebook today, and a flood of memories came back, and pain followed. A time of my life, that I was never allowed to fully deal with or heal, came back today. I didn't even realize how much everything still affects me, until I lost myself in another world. As I looked at her life, and her kids, I wondered how it would be if our kids played together, if our families were close. If her church was still my church, and all the friends that I lost would still be mine, if I had been given the choice. If I would have the insecurities I have today, if a certain situation would not have happened. If I would have a real sense of belonging, instead of feeling like I was thrown in a world, that I really didn't belong, or sometimes understand. A world that I have grown to know and love as my own, but would it still be mine if I wasn't pulled away from it, or ashamed to enter back into. A world I ran from, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the looks and the questions, of being that family. Would God have allowed another way to still bring me to where I am today? Is this all apart of making me who I am? I wonder sometimes if I still have this sense of yearning, because I haven't fully let go. I never was given the choice, and for that I am saddened, I had to let go, and walk into a whole new place..... I love where I am, I sometimes just wish, I got here on other terms, and for those who don't understand, be thankful. I wish I could write out the details of the situation, but I've let the details go along time ago, I forgiven those who needed to be forgiven, and don't feel I need to express them. It's just the choices of others, still effect my life today, and just when I don't remember or think about them, they find away of entering my new life today.

unknown times

There is nothing harder as a wife, then to see your husband weak. To see pressure, and a look of hopelessness. To know that it is out of your hands, and you can't do anything about it. To hope and pray that he would know to place it in God's, this is easy to a women, but harder to a man.

My husband, the love of my life, is a hard worker, since we were dating, he has nothing but supply everything I have ever needed with the works of his hands. He enjoys working and seeing the benefits of the fruit of his labor. He's thrown papers his entire a life, a hard job, a good job, and he was good, to some it may not seem like anything, but to him it was everything, he was the fastest around, people would comment on him when he was at work, he found pleasure in it. I think out of all the things he has done, he has known this is what he was the best at. Men need that, to know they are good, and to be the best. Unfortunately, He lost half of his route, and it's not sure if he will lose the other half, due to uniting of newspapers. And, yes, we have lost a good amount of money coming in. Now we are faced with an obstacle, in this time of life, in our country, where jobs are limited, and with limited education, or job skills, my husband is feeling the pressure. I wish I could find him the perfect job, the right amount of money, but I can't, but I know God can. I wish I could tell people, it's my husband you need, he's loyal, a hard worker, he'll do right by you, he's smart, he's gifted, he'll give his all to you, just pick him for the job. I'm just believing God will speak all that.

When he came home from work the other day, and I could see that he looked defeated, I prayed, and I remember in Cinderella Man, when she told her husband that he was the "champion of her heart", I wanted to say those words to Benji, but I think he would of laughed and not took me seriously. So I listened to his concerns, and the whole time I was thinking, God IS Bigger, and I quietly asked God what to say. And the only thing I needed to say, was I believe in him, I know he can find a way. I know what he's capable of, well make it, we will, I believe were going to make it better this time. I'm not going to keep asking my husband what he's going to do, I'm sure that question is playing over and over again in his head, instead in every way of everyday, I will let him know I believe in him, however that comes through, in words or actions. In fact that is all I had to say, and he began looking hopeful again, he had ideas, and plans, and I'm just trusting that they are from God.

I will not worry, God is in control, and He has placed my husband as leader and provider over our house, I know that through Him, Benji will become what God has truly designed him for.
I am so thankful for Benji, I know that if we lost everything, but still had each other, our kids, and our health, there is nothing greater than that. So thank you Lord, for all we have, in your hands it stays, to protect, to guide, and tend to.

Thanks

I just got done reading when Jesus fed the five thousand, and something new was revealed to me. Something that right now, in my life, I needed to understand in a new way. As the people around him were getting hungry, and they didn't have enough, only 5 loaves and 2 little fish, and Phillip was already getting nervous, saying how they would have to work for a month to feed all these people, and only just a little. I understand Phillip, I know many times, before I even bring it to God, I am already thinking about the impossible. I begin to worry, and try to figure out how I can make this happen, but it always becomes way to overwhelming. But Jesus began instructing them. The first instruction Jesus gave the people was to sit down. Not to start planning, but just to sit down, as I read that I just began to think that Jesus was telling, don't worry, rest, have peace, know that God will come through. It's not for you to worry about. Then He took the 5 loaves and 2 little fish and thanked God for them, He could of skipped over this part and just asked, and I do believe God would still have come through, but Jesus knew better, He knew God, He thanked Him for what they already had. Yes 5 loaves and 2 fish were not enough for all those people, but He knew what God was capable of, what God could do with little. That God wasn't going to let His people go without. And that God was the one who made the fish, and all the ingredients in the loaves of bread to begin with, and if He could create them, He could also supply them, but first, Jesus thanked Him. He thanked God for what He had already given, and what God was going to do next. I'm sure there was a lot Jesus was thanking Him for in that brief moment, because just like Jesus, we have a lot to be thankful for, even in times of our greatest needs.

When the weight of the world came beating down,

Your peace came

When fear tried to creep in,

Your words spoke louder

When the impossible came knocking at our door

Your promise stood strong

When tears took over

Hope showed up

When I began to doubt

Your love surrounded

When things started looking worse

Your Goodness overflowed

When I felt weak

You made me strong




In all things I will Give Thanks!

Sisters are forever friends

I just got done reading a saying "Sisters are forever friends." And it reminded me of a conversation I had with you, when you were wanting a "real" friend. When I read that, it brought tears to my eyes, because of the truth, but also of regret. I sometimes forget that with sisters and family they will always be there, we have a tie and a bond, that no friend could even begin to understand, but it gets taken for granted, and even sometimes forgotten. I can't take back that I wasn't the best of friend, but I can begin to plant the seed, and begin taking care of it, and doing all that I can to insure it grows to what it should be. I can also stand in hope with you for that real friend, the one who thinks of you first and not an after thought, the one who holds you to the real treasure you are, the way I see you. I can also say with my whole heart, that you never are forgotten, I know how much you care, and you give of yourself, sometimes so much, that you get taken advantage of. I'm going to begin praying that you will get an over pouring blessings from those around you, and you will always know that people see all the things you do, not for your own credit, but because you genuinely care. I know how you put your heart into everything you do, how you love with no conditions, how you give with no attachments, in everything you do you shine, and you give it your best. You amaze me, and teach me, you show me God's giving love. I'm proud of you, I'm so very thankful for you as a sister, as a friend. I can say that God has good things for you, he always sees the heart, when others fail to see, he does, He doesn't forget or pass you by, He's waiting to give you the greatest gifts you will ever receive.
He sees when you stayed, when you loved, and when you gave, even when we have missed it. I may not see everything, but I see who you are, a good daughter, a good wife, a great sister, and a true friend, and I love you so much, Katie. People are so blessed to have you in their lives, and I just pray that you begin to really see that. Not by just words, but by actions.

I hung you on my tree this year, remembering you from last Christmas. You have so much meaning and so many memories, that I hold closest to my heart. A gift you entered into my life, and a treasure you will always remain. I hear laughter when I look at you, and long talks on the phone. When I read you words "hope," I'm reminded of encouraging words. I know your just an ornament, but you represent so much more. A tear shed, a hug when needed, just the right words, or the hard words I needed to hear most, a genuine heart, a giver, an encourager, a good listener, a support team, an inside joke, a blessing, and most importantly my dearest friend. You hold memories, and the "hope" of more to come. Every year as I hang you on my tree, I'll always remember your one of the greatest gifts I've ever received, because you represent the greatest and most treasured friendship God has ever brought into my life.

It's just a computer, but with it my heart is attached. I love taking pictures, love isn't even the best word to describe it. It's my true passion, really if I could do one thing I would live for taking pictures. They hold my memories, and capture my greatest moments, not the ones where you stand in line, wait, and your kids pose in some outfit, they wouldn't normally wear. I'm talking about those rare moments, the one's that hold your heart. I have a great camera, which I'm brought to tears just for the sake that I own this and it was a gift, the greatest gift, material gift, I have ever received. It was a gift from God, through a faithful servant. I should just stop this blog now for the sake of not sounding greatful, I truly am, it's just with great pictures, anyone knows now a days you need a good computer to upload, edit, and enhance your photo's which I love as much as taking them. I love to spend time adjusting things, cropping to make my pictures into something great, but my computer is failing me. I want everyone to see the pictures I have taken, but my computer doesn't seem to like this idea. I try almost everyday, but it refuses to work for me, everything else works great except when it comes to pictures. I guess I'm just frustrated, I guess that's what I get for relying on technology and money!! I just want a right attitude, and right now I am failing. I want to scream that I can't do what I want to do, maybe there is a lesson in all this, maybe that will be my next blog.... "When you have the greatest gift and you can't use it to it's fullest", hey I may be on to something here!

Good Company

Last night was a well needed night, it was a reminder, that this life is meant to be spent in good company. Which pretty much became my motto last night, when I would catch myself wondering if I had the freedom to speak what was really on my mind, or saw hesitation in someone else to say what was on there's, I would say it's o.k, were in good company. I love when I get around people and if I want I can speak my heart and talk about God and I have the freedom to do so, but I also have the freedom to say anything else. I can be real, and I don't wonder if they are going to like me the next day. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be anything, but who I am. It's a wonderful feeling, refreshing. I think as Christians we live our life knowing we have freedom, but rarely actually feeling free. We are afraid to let our guards down, in fear of getting pre-judged. I just think every know and again, we need to be in good company to remember it's o.k. to be who we are, and know that those around you with all your faults, and strengths, they see them all and still love who you are. I think we need to live our lives in good company.