who am I?

I don't know what this is, these thoughts and feeling, they seem so new, so foreign. I trying to figure out if it's a lesson being taught this road I am traveling. I trying to see if it's time to let go. Time to move on, time to release the old, and step into the new. I just can't seem to figure out what this new is. I'm trying to move, but have no idea where it is I am going. I don't feel like me, I feel less, I feel powerless, lost in thoughts that I don't understand. Insecurities, that I've never had before. I hate what I feel that I am becoming, I don't feel strong, I don't feel I have the answers this time, I don't feel You speaking, or guiding, and it's leaving me unsure, it's making me question when did I walk away, or turn around, or just stop. Honestly I feel alone, moving in my own direction, that I can't escape. I'm feeling older, and unsure, questioning have I done right up until now. Am I where You want me to be, watching others going in a direction that use to be my own, now I'm going ahead without those few to understand. I'm entering a new stage, and I know it and I feel it, but I haven't let go. I haven't let go, of the comfortableness of who I use to be, and am honestly scared because I don't know yet how to be this new thing I am going to become. I guess I can't move, when I haven't let go, that seems so simple, yet I believe one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. If I let go, will You're hand be there to help, will it be there to walk next to me, and at times take over and lead? I know it's time to let go, I know I can't enjoy life if I'm not walking through it. I can't sit on the side lines, when the game is the best place to be. It's time to let go, time to follow again, time to listen and find, time to experience the greatness of this life You have given me. So today even though with sadness I let go, I have so much joy in those moments already given, I have hope for far better and greater moments to come. I will trust that Your hand is in mine right now, and Your voice has become stronger, and that You right now are leading and guiding me, until I can walk side by side on my own with You, truly enjoying this next journey, when my eyes are opened to all You really have to offer. Take my hand...I'm letting go.

imagination to reality

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, it was so real, I could feel the baby move inside of me, I guess somewhere in my mind, I remember every little detail, my brain has held onto this feeling subconsciously. I remember I started to wake up and a part of me, knew if I woke up, I would no longer be pregnant, this baby I had imagine, would soon become just that, an imagination. A part of me did not want to wake up, I really felt like I wanted that baby, at least the moment, the feeling I loved so many times of little kicks, little movements, and the anticipation of having a new life into my arms and life. I knew I had to wake up, I knew I had to let reality, be reality. I started to wonder why I didn't want to wake up, did I really want another baby? Why do I have a sadness, knowing I will no longer have this, knowing we made the decision to move on and enter a new chapter of our lives. Is it because I want another child? I've been pondering this for a long time, questioning if another baby is what I really want, or if it's the memories of it all. The good news is I know I don't want another baby, I just want the experience to go back and redo all those wonderful moments, just like I would give anything to walk down that isle again to experience that special day that I said "i do" to the man I love. However I never would go back to that moment, because then I would erase what I have been given at this very moment. A baby however you can redo over and over again, and the out come is always a blessing, but I realized it wasn't a new baby i wanted it is the memory, the experience, the gift of those moments. I realized that i wish I could recreate or have so many of the moments that have already passed in my life given back to me. I realized instead of hoping time would speed up some days, that I need to enjoy the gift of today. Those moments when I had wished my baby would come fast, now I wish I could have that moment back of that tiny little life inside of me, kicking me, me trying to guess which part I could feel through that swollen belly of mine. The time when I wished time would speed up, so I could lose that baby weight, how I would take that weight back, to hold that tiny little baby. Or on those days when the kids are crying and screaming, and I just wish the time would pass, to notice the kid that is bringing so much joy to the house. I guess what i am trying to say, and to remember, is to live in every moment, to enjoy every thing we have been given, that in life the good always out ways the bad, and sometimes there has to be bad, to see the good. To really understand the good to come, to enjoy what we have been given, not what we use to have, or what we haven't received, and to focus on that so we don't miss out on all that God has to offer us. I don't want to be given so much, that I can't give myself to it all. I want to remember, that there is so much joy in a 9 year old, who is learning life's greatest mysteries. To have the time to build a strong relationship, for him to know we enjoy who he is now and who he is to come. I want to savor the precious gift of my 8 year old, who entered into my life needing me so much, to hopefully knowing a part of her will always need me to be that mother, the advise giver, her friend, that when she looks at her life, I pray that I didn't fail her, that I was there when she needed me, but that I let her grow idependently making mistakes and growing from those mistakes. I want my goofy 5 year old to always have that joy, he has given to our lives, that i can answer all his questions and have the time to explore the possibilities of this life. To live this life, always asking, always learning with him, to be apart of molding who he is, to stepping back and allowing him to take the tools and begin shaping his own life, with a confidence that we instilled in him. I want to live in this time, when a 3 year olds stubborness can bring me to my greatest frustations, to giving me my greatest laughs. I want to see these characteristics he has blossom into a strong, confident man. I want to remember and cherish the sweetest 1 year old little monkey, to enjoy the new words, the new discoveries, new frustrations, new accomplishments, to see her grow and say that with confidence I took the time to enjoy every moment I have been given, and in those moments when joy couldn't be found, I still stopped and remember that good is always around. I want to stop living my life on repeat, and press play, and begin to really enjoy this moment, not yesterdays time. I'm thankful for that dream, yes I wish I could experiance one of life greatest gifts again, but I'm so thankful that everything we are given is a part of God's great gifts to us all.

getting my attention

I read that God knows exactly how many times it takes to get your attention, it may take Him 103 times, but whatever it takes He will keep going because He knows on the 103rd time it is going to work. So today I believe I needed another attention grabber, no my dream hasn't come true yet, but I know I'm traveling on the road that is leading me to my biggest hearts desire. Sometimes I don't know, and I question God and ask to once again remind me, that I'm right (as in not wrong) before Him to hold on to this desire. After much prayer, I believe He reminded me again. I hate that I always have to ask, that I doubt, but thankfully we have a loving God, that gently reminds us that He is in control and He will give us our greatest hearts desires. I know the enemy is constantly coming against me, telling me lies about how I don't deserve this or I'm asking to much, and as these doubts came once again, His word, spoke louder! In Matthew 7:9 He reminds us of His love for us when He says "if your children ask for bread, which of you would give them a stone? Or if your children ask for a fish, which of you would give them a snake? Even though you are bad, you know how to give good gifts to your children. How much more your Heavenly Father will give good things to those who ask Him" I love these words, it was a great attention grabber, although not the one I spoke of earlier, just another one, getting me closer to dream. I am so thankful, we have a loving father, I know as a mother, I would give my children anything I possibly could, to show them how much i love them. So how much greater God wants to give us. I know also that God doesn't just hand things to us, just as parents we allow our kids to learn through life experiences and to work for what they want in life, I believe God does the same. He gives us these desires, to become all that He has made us to be, to lean on Him, and grow to be all that He knows we can be.