A Loss

A friend from my past asked to be my friend on facebook today, and a flood of memories came back, and pain followed. A time of my life, that I was never allowed to fully deal with or heal, came back today. I didn't even realize how much everything still affects me, until I lost myself in another world. As I looked at her life, and her kids, I wondered how it would be if our kids played together, if our families were close. If her church was still my church, and all the friends that I lost would still be mine, if I had been given the choice. If I would have the insecurities I have today, if a certain situation would not have happened. If I would have a real sense of belonging, instead of feeling like I was thrown in a world, that I really didn't belong, or sometimes understand. A world that I have grown to know and love as my own, but would it still be mine if I wasn't pulled away from it, or ashamed to enter back into. A world I ran from, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the looks and the questions, of being that family. Would God have allowed another way to still bring me to where I am today? Is this all apart of making me who I am? I wonder sometimes if I still have this sense of yearning, because I haven't fully let go. I never was given the choice, and for that I am saddened, I had to let go, and walk into a whole new place..... I love where I am, I sometimes just wish, I got here on other terms, and for those who don't understand, be thankful. I wish I could write out the details of the situation, but I've let the details go along time ago, I forgiven those who needed to be forgiven, and don't feel I need to express them. It's just the choices of others, still effect my life today, and just when I don't remember or think about them, they find away of entering my new life today.