One Day

One day I'll be secure. One day when I make a decision I won't second guess it. One day I'll stop pleasing others before pleasing myself. One day I'll say what I really think. One day, I'll be who I am in front of anyone. One day I'll dance when i want to, no matter who is watching. One day, I will live for my dreams, with no fear behind them. One day, I'll take the risk of putting my whole heart out there, no matter what the cost. One day I'll put that swimming suit on, no matter who's around. One day I'll go to the store with no make-up on and still feel pretty. One day I'll get over the fact that I have stretch marks, and remember that the greatest gifts in my life gave them to me. One day I'll learn to love who I am. One day, I'll cry it out in church, and sing with all my heart, no matter who's around. One day, I'll get up in front of people, and speak what is in my heart to say. One day, I'll figure out that being me is the best thing in the world. One day, i'll love my sandpaper. One day, I'll go out of my comfort zone, and meet a lot of new people. One day, I'll keep my house in order. One day, I'll forget all my responsibilities and just enjoy those around me. One day, I'll except my body for what it is. One day i'll love those freckles on my face, because they make me who I am. One day, I won't care what people think of me. One day, I'll enjoy cooking every night for those I love. One day, I will just learn to be who I am, and except what I am not.

Boys

I remember when I got pregnant with my first child, not even being married 2 months and the shock of finding out I was pregnant, was a little overwhelming, but so exciting in a way. I guess I love surprises, even when they are a little scary. I convinced myself it was a girl, let the record state that every female in my family had a girl first, so I just assumed it would be the same for me. I was convinced that I didn't like boys, please remember I was only 19, boys were gross, they were loud, and wild. I thought of a girls as perfect, sweet, and well mannered, I learned this was not always the case...just a few years down the road. I remember going to the doctor prepared to hear that I was having a little girl, but my husband hoping for a boy, well as most know, my husband hopes came true. I was a little disappointed, I wanted a girl, I didn't understand boys, but thankfully in every situation, God knows better, I learned that no matter what I say I want, God knows what I need. I often wonder how I even had those feeling, that are so foreign to me now, like those thoughts were from another person. I still remember going to the store to pick out stuff, for my new baby, and always liking the girl stuff way more, but those feelings all went away when I held my perfect little boy and he looked perfect with all the boy stuff. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Today I sit here, thinking about that time, and thanking God once again, for doing things his way and not my own. I try to remember the little lesson in this, as I have been blessed with 3 boys, along with my 2 wonderful girls, and today i'm filled with joy as I think of my boys. Yes they are gross, loud, and wild, but they are also sweet, loving, and full of character. They love me, in a way, my girls can not, they are perfectly and wonderfully made, and they reveal more of God's character to me everyday. They make my life more adventurous and exciting, they can make me laugh so hard tears poor out of my eyes, they make me feel like a kid again, as we play fighting with swords, and hide and go seek. They help fulfill a part of me, that needs this so much. They enjoy simple things, they teach me to enjoy the moments, and that I can also make cool gun noises with my mouth.
I pray that as they grow, I would keep learning from them, and allow them to be all boy, and not try to tame them as the world we live in does so often. I hope that in all things, I will always remember that God made them different than I am made, but it's a part of who He is, and to treasure this gift to better understand His character. I pray that I would always remember, the lesson, I have been given, in knowing that God always knows better than we do, and that I would thank Him for all I have been given.

Yesterday was a gift. I realized I have so many wonderful things surrounding my life. My day was full of perfection. My husband, I found out, does really think of me, even when my head will tell me different, he just doesn't work the way I want him to, but way better. I realized if all things work the way I wanted or dreamt about I would be the one in charge of my life, and I am not. God is, and He does things greater than I could ever do myself. He meets me at just the right times, and surprises me with gifts, whether in words, things, or people. My life just feels so complete, and I am so thankful. I'm beginning to realize, that God really is all good, and He can't be anything else. He loves and everything He does is in love, we however are the ones that change that. I am just so thankful for all of those in my lives, the ones that make my life complete, and help fill it to be what I really need. I hope all who read this, and know me, know I'm talking about you! I know that God has called us to live in the present, to live out each day, because He's in today! I have really opened my eyes and heart to God's true character, and have begun to truly allow Him to love me, and be who He says He is, not who I say or the world says He is. It's amazing when I do this, how much more real everything is. How I'm in complete awe of Him. I just know today is another great gift He has for me.

I've missed you

I was just about to start reading a new book, when I stopped to talk to God. I just looked out the window, and uttered the words I miss you, because I've felt so far away, like we haven't been communicating right, or I went on a trip and now I'm back. As I uttered the words I missed you, I felt as if the Lord said "yes you have." That was not what I thought I should here, I thought He would say He missed me too, so glad to have you back, like any other person would say, but I guess my little mind always forgets this is God! He doesn't miss anything. We often say those words,I've missed you with a different meaning behind it, as in I've longed for you, not really meaning MISS, as in didn't notice, didn't catch, fell short of receiving. But when I heard the words "yes you have" it hit me, I realized how much I did miss God, how much I didn't see, because I wasn't looking at what He was doing, always showing me Him, revealing me His love, longing for my attention. "yes you have" our words that have changed me, I missed Him in so many ways, when He was showing me His love for me, when I look outside and see the very works of His hands and I failed to thank Him for it. I have failed to see God, because I haven't been looking, I've been waiting, for Him to show up, but how can something show up that has never left. I often wonder when will I get it? When will I just hold on to what I know, instead of getting deceived by what I feel. It's disappointing how easily I can miss Him, but I'm so grateful how He will always let me see. I'm sorry I've missed the Lord lately, all that He has been doing for just me, I guess sometimes I forget to see Him in everything. In the yesterday of His creations, in the today of His makings, and in forever of what is to come. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He can not be missed.

Insecurities of the second-born are no match for Him

Insecurities, I hate the word, yet I feel it labels me. Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world who has them, when I watch people go for their dreams, or speak their mindes with full confidence behind them, I wonder why can't that be me. Why do I have to be my own worst enemy? Always second guessing everything, making things more difficult then need be. Wanting others to like me, wondering why some don't? It's hard being a second-born child, they say we go completely opposite of our first-born brother and sister, it's like we're always a reflection of someone else, we can't even be our own, yes as a second child I would say that, we struggle with the what about me's, why did I go unnoticed or over looked for the job. Constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?" When you can be the most faithful one in your family, or a group of friends, but the louder one, or more "qualified one" gets noticed. We don't take credit when it's ours to claim. We "people please", usually at the cost of our own feelings. It's not easy being the second born, I often wonder what does that say about me, why did God put me in that place, the bible says His timing is perfect. So my position in life is just as He wanted. I guess He knew I could handle it, that I would love no matter what, that I would give even when I constantly get taken from, and I guess the down-side is the cost of sin. I hate that I have these feelings, that they are apart of me, but I'm real, this is real. My insecurities are not who I am, but they tend to take over sometime. I want so much more for myself, to be more, to know more, to accomplish more, to better at what I set out to do, but I tend to hold myself back, not knowing why, not even fully understanding what I really want, just more. To really feel content with who I am, even what I think are my bad traits, to see the good in them. I need to get a grip on why I am the way that I am, what use could I be? To see that being me, even with all my faults, can be made completely perfect by Him. It's amazing how quickly even by writing this all out, His peace has already come, letting me know, by Him and through Him, all things were made, and by Him and through Him nothing is impossible, and by Him and through Him, I am who He says I am. And to know my true reflection is of Him. I love even as I sit here and type these words on this page, His words have become louder, have spoken clearer and have already begin to change me. He's letting me see, that in everything He cares, and He hears, and He always gives us what we need.

for these moments

I feel like me again, it's about time. I found new hope and inspirations, let go of things I couldn't change, stopped, set aside dreams and ideas that were no longer mine to hold on to, went to God and surrendered it all, something that I needed to do, but didn't for words I can't explain, not out of rebellion, I don't think He asked me to yet, waiting like He perfectly does to reveal why I'm not moving, why I felt so lonely, why I was hurting. I have a new found hope, it's simple really, just enjoy the moments I have been given. I'm a big dreamer, always wanting more, new exciting things, that sometimes the people, and things in my life get neglected for these dreams that I hold on to. As this holiday season has come to an end, and a new year, my life has slowed, giving me the time, to stop and think about the things I need to change, and the things I need to live for. As I stopped to just enjoy my house, locking my self in for days and days, I realized inside my house is where I belong, yes I still need my friends and family, they are all apart, but when I was watching my daughter reading to my youngest child, and a tear crept down my face, this was a moment I realized I lived for. As my son, Cohen, has been batteling bathroom issues, and a bribe ended up being the right motivation, as he claimed his prize and walked through our door and my heart could have exploded, seeing this child happy to me is another moment I live for. My kids laughing, playing, learning and growing are my greatest joys. Even making stew for my husband, the newest attempt in my low cooking abilities, ended up being a gift to me. I never knew there was so much satisfaction in cooking for him, but when he tasted it, and said, oh my..that is good! It was this moment that I knew I live for taking care of him, and giving of myself so that I could always see that joy in him. My new years and lifes resolution is to live for these moments, speak for these moments, play for these moments, hope for these moments, give for these moments, pray for these moments... I changed my blog title "for these moments." It's these moments that I love and want to hold on to, that even made me realize how much I love photography, and will be taking classes to grow and learn in one of my greatest passions I have. I'm going to live for what I have, and what God has in store for me. I'm going to capture every moment I can while I'm here on this earth and imprint it on my heart. To find the gifts in every moment that I can, and to take the time to slow down, and be who I was created to be.

Breakdown

I keep thinking I need to have a break down, but it won't come. So what if it didn't? what good would it do anyways? Would it make me stronger, no, would it make me feel better, maybe for a minute, but I don't need a break down, I think I need a fix-up. When something isn't working the way it should, we don't hope it breaks down, we do what we can to fix it. We find the tools or we call on a someone for help. I need to be fixed up, not broken down, it's easier to break down, to just give up and let what ever it is, ...win. I guess I'm in need of the right tools, or good support. I've always been the strong one, the one others lean on, but I can't be that right now, I've been letting myself get broken down, it's time for some fine tuning, to deal with real issues, to let go, to dream, and really hope. To stay and not run...to be me and not hide. I'm always afraid people won't like me when I'm weak, it's not who I am, but I've lost that somewhere along the way, I lost the part of me, or maybe I gave it away, but I'm going to find it again, claim what is rightfully mine. I will not become these labels I have stamped upon myself, I will allow Him to speak who I am. I will believe...again. I can't be it all, I keep failing, trying, so I give up, I think if I can't be the best wife, I don't want to try, God knows I've failed to many times. I can't be the best mom, so I become half of what I should be, I can't be the best daughter, so I won't, I can't be the best sister, so I let go, I can' t keep trying to be the best friend, so I'll let someone else have it, someone who would be better. I can't be the best Christian, some days it seems like to much work, and I don't want more work, I just want Him, I don't want more advise... it only makes me feel more like a failure. I just want to know and to really realize that I don't have to be my best, I just have to be me, the real me, the one He says I am. I just want to be fun again, to laugh and enjoy every gift I have been given. To not put so much pressure on myself, and when I fail, to get back up , try better next time, to learn from my mistakes, and laugh at myself a little more. I only can do so much, but He can do it all.