imagination to reality

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, it was so real, I could feel the baby move inside of me, I guess somewhere in my mind, I remember every little detail, my brain has held onto this feeling subconsciously. I remember I started to wake up and a part of me, knew if I woke up, I would no longer be pregnant, this baby I had imagine, would soon become just that, an imagination. A part of me did not want to wake up, I really felt like I wanted that baby, at least the moment, the feeling I loved so many times of little kicks, little movements, and the anticipation of having a new life into my arms and life. I knew I had to wake up, I knew I had to let reality, be reality. I started to wonder why I didn't want to wake up, did I really want another baby? Why do I have a sadness, knowing I will no longer have this, knowing we made the decision to move on and enter a new chapter of our lives. Is it because I want another child? I've been pondering this for a long time, questioning if another baby is what I really want, or if it's the memories of it all. The good news is I know I don't want another baby, I just want the experience to go back and redo all those wonderful moments, just like I would give anything to walk down that isle again to experience that special day that I said "i do" to the man I love. However I never would go back to that moment, because then I would erase what I have been given at this very moment. A baby however you can redo over and over again, and the out come is always a blessing, but I realized it wasn't a new baby i wanted it is the memory, the experience, the gift of those moments. I realized that i wish I could recreate or have so many of the moments that have already passed in my life given back to me. I realized instead of hoping time would speed up some days, that I need to enjoy the gift of today. Those moments when I had wished my baby would come fast, now I wish I could have that moment back of that tiny little life inside of me, kicking me, me trying to guess which part I could feel through that swollen belly of mine. The time when I wished time would speed up, so I could lose that baby weight, how I would take that weight back, to hold that tiny little baby. Or on those days when the kids are crying and screaming, and I just wish the time would pass, to notice the kid that is bringing so much joy to the house. I guess what i am trying to say, and to remember, is to live in every moment, to enjoy every thing we have been given, that in life the good always out ways the bad, and sometimes there has to be bad, to see the good. To really understand the good to come, to enjoy what we have been given, not what we use to have, or what we haven't received, and to focus on that so we don't miss out on all that God has to offer us. I don't want to be given so much, that I can't give myself to it all. I want to remember, that there is so much joy in a 9 year old, who is learning life's greatest mysteries. To have the time to build a strong relationship, for him to know we enjoy who he is now and who he is to come. I want to savor the precious gift of my 8 year old, who entered into my life needing me so much, to hopefully knowing a part of her will always need me to be that mother, the advise giver, her friend, that when she looks at her life, I pray that I didn't fail her, that I was there when she needed me, but that I let her grow idependently making mistakes and growing from those mistakes. I want my goofy 5 year old to always have that joy, he has given to our lives, that i can answer all his questions and have the time to explore the possibilities of this life. To live this life, always asking, always learning with him, to be apart of molding who he is, to stepping back and allowing him to take the tools and begin shaping his own life, with a confidence that we instilled in him. I want to live in this time, when a 3 year olds stubborness can bring me to my greatest frustations, to giving me my greatest laughs. I want to see these characteristics he has blossom into a strong, confident man. I want to remember and cherish the sweetest 1 year old little monkey, to enjoy the new words, the new discoveries, new frustrations, new accomplishments, to see her grow and say that with confidence I took the time to enjoy every moment I have been given, and in those moments when joy couldn't be found, I still stopped and remember that good is always around. I want to stop living my life on repeat, and press play, and begin to really enjoy this moment, not yesterdays time. I'm thankful for that dream, yes I wish I could experiance one of life greatest gifts again, but I'm so thankful that everything we are given is a part of God's great gifts to us all.