who am I?

I don't know what this is, these thoughts and feeling, they seem so new, so foreign. I trying to figure out if it's a lesson being taught this road I am traveling. I trying to see if it's time to let go. Time to move on, time to release the old, and step into the new. I just can't seem to figure out what this new is. I'm trying to move, but have no idea where it is I am going. I don't feel like me, I feel less, I feel powerless, lost in thoughts that I don't understand. Insecurities, that I've never had before. I hate what I feel that I am becoming, I don't feel strong, I don't feel I have the answers this time, I don't feel You speaking, or guiding, and it's leaving me unsure, it's making me question when did I walk away, or turn around, or just stop. Honestly I feel alone, moving in my own direction, that I can't escape. I'm feeling older, and unsure, questioning have I done right up until now. Am I where You want me to be, watching others going in a direction that use to be my own, now I'm going ahead without those few to understand. I'm entering a new stage, and I know it and I feel it, but I haven't let go. I haven't let go, of the comfortableness of who I use to be, and am honestly scared because I don't know yet how to be this new thing I am going to become. I guess I can't move, when I haven't let go, that seems so simple, yet I believe one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. If I let go, will You're hand be there to help, will it be there to walk next to me, and at times take over and lead? I know it's time to let go, I know I can't enjoy life if I'm not walking through it. I can't sit on the side lines, when the game is the best place to be. It's time to let go, time to follow again, time to listen and find, time to experience the greatness of this life You have given me. So today even though with sadness I let go, I have so much joy in those moments already given, I have hope for far better and greater moments to come. I will trust that Your hand is in mine right now, and Your voice has become stronger, and that You right now are leading and guiding me, until I can walk side by side on my own with You, truly enjoying this next journey, when my eyes are opened to all You really have to offer. Take my hand...I'm letting go.

imagination to reality

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, it was so real, I could feel the baby move inside of me, I guess somewhere in my mind, I remember every little detail, my brain has held onto this feeling subconsciously. I remember I started to wake up and a part of me, knew if I woke up, I would no longer be pregnant, this baby I had imagine, would soon become just that, an imagination. A part of me did not want to wake up, I really felt like I wanted that baby, at least the moment, the feeling I loved so many times of little kicks, little movements, and the anticipation of having a new life into my arms and life. I knew I had to wake up, I knew I had to let reality, be reality. I started to wonder why I didn't want to wake up, did I really want another baby? Why do I have a sadness, knowing I will no longer have this, knowing we made the decision to move on and enter a new chapter of our lives. Is it because I want another child? I've been pondering this for a long time, questioning if another baby is what I really want, or if it's the memories of it all. The good news is I know I don't want another baby, I just want the experience to go back and redo all those wonderful moments, just like I would give anything to walk down that isle again to experience that special day that I said "i do" to the man I love. However I never would go back to that moment, because then I would erase what I have been given at this very moment. A baby however you can redo over and over again, and the out come is always a blessing, but I realized it wasn't a new baby i wanted it is the memory, the experience, the gift of those moments. I realized that i wish I could recreate or have so many of the moments that have already passed in my life given back to me. I realized instead of hoping time would speed up some days, that I need to enjoy the gift of today. Those moments when I had wished my baby would come fast, now I wish I could have that moment back of that tiny little life inside of me, kicking me, me trying to guess which part I could feel through that swollen belly of mine. The time when I wished time would speed up, so I could lose that baby weight, how I would take that weight back, to hold that tiny little baby. Or on those days when the kids are crying and screaming, and I just wish the time would pass, to notice the kid that is bringing so much joy to the house. I guess what i am trying to say, and to remember, is to live in every moment, to enjoy every thing we have been given, that in life the good always out ways the bad, and sometimes there has to be bad, to see the good. To really understand the good to come, to enjoy what we have been given, not what we use to have, or what we haven't received, and to focus on that so we don't miss out on all that God has to offer us. I don't want to be given so much, that I can't give myself to it all. I want to remember, that there is so much joy in a 9 year old, who is learning life's greatest mysteries. To have the time to build a strong relationship, for him to know we enjoy who he is now and who he is to come. I want to savor the precious gift of my 8 year old, who entered into my life needing me so much, to hopefully knowing a part of her will always need me to be that mother, the advise giver, her friend, that when she looks at her life, I pray that I didn't fail her, that I was there when she needed me, but that I let her grow idependently making mistakes and growing from those mistakes. I want my goofy 5 year old to always have that joy, he has given to our lives, that i can answer all his questions and have the time to explore the possibilities of this life. To live this life, always asking, always learning with him, to be apart of molding who he is, to stepping back and allowing him to take the tools and begin shaping his own life, with a confidence that we instilled in him. I want to live in this time, when a 3 year olds stubborness can bring me to my greatest frustations, to giving me my greatest laughs. I want to see these characteristics he has blossom into a strong, confident man. I want to remember and cherish the sweetest 1 year old little monkey, to enjoy the new words, the new discoveries, new frustrations, new accomplishments, to see her grow and say that with confidence I took the time to enjoy every moment I have been given, and in those moments when joy couldn't be found, I still stopped and remember that good is always around. I want to stop living my life on repeat, and press play, and begin to really enjoy this moment, not yesterdays time. I'm thankful for that dream, yes I wish I could experiance one of life greatest gifts again, but I'm so thankful that everything we are given is a part of God's great gifts to us all.

getting my attention

I read that God knows exactly how many times it takes to get your attention, it may take Him 103 times, but whatever it takes He will keep going because He knows on the 103rd time it is going to work. So today I believe I needed another attention grabber, no my dream hasn't come true yet, but I know I'm traveling on the road that is leading me to my biggest hearts desire. Sometimes I don't know, and I question God and ask to once again remind me, that I'm right (as in not wrong) before Him to hold on to this desire. After much prayer, I believe He reminded me again. I hate that I always have to ask, that I doubt, but thankfully we have a loving God, that gently reminds us that He is in control and He will give us our greatest hearts desires. I know the enemy is constantly coming against me, telling me lies about how I don't deserve this or I'm asking to much, and as these doubts came once again, His word, spoke louder! In Matthew 7:9 He reminds us of His love for us when He says "if your children ask for bread, which of you would give them a stone? Or if your children ask for a fish, which of you would give them a snake? Even though you are bad, you know how to give good gifts to your children. How much more your Heavenly Father will give good things to those who ask Him" I love these words, it was a great attention grabber, although not the one I spoke of earlier, just another one, getting me closer to dream. I am so thankful, we have a loving father, I know as a mother, I would give my children anything I possibly could, to show them how much i love them. So how much greater God wants to give us. I know also that God doesn't just hand things to us, just as parents we allow our kids to learn through life experiences and to work for what they want in life, I believe God does the same. He gives us these desires, to become all that He has made us to be, to lean on Him, and grow to be all that He knows we can be.

NO WORDS

emotions, the good ones

I'm having a sensitive morning, the kind when tears are about to burst, but it's a good emotion. The kind when I cry because I feel so blessed, so lucky, so loved. I just love my husband and kids. I love my life, yes I have aches, and pains, of people I miss, or would love to be closer to. But for right now, my plate is full, and it's filled with all my favorite things, so why add something that I wouldn't want at this moment, something that just wouldn't go at this point of my meal so to say. Sorry I got off track for a moment, I tend to do that, have you met me? Back to my emotions, the good ones, before I bring up the bad ones, and this post goes a completely different way. So I'm having a sensitive morning, it all started when Brennan, my 9 year old, was crying at the breakfast table, he was having a bad emotional morning, anyways, all I wanted to do was take his tears away, fill it with the joy, that I feel for this boy. I hugged him, and he hugged me back, with one of those perfect hugs,where he melted into my arms, the kind that he needed so badly, and so did I. The hug said, he still needed me, he needed my love, he needed to know he was safe and loved. I don't know if you have a 9 year old boy, but sometimes a hug feels more like, "o.k. mom, let me go now" but not this morning, it was genuine, it was perfect. And as I released him, I knew that I was so honored to be his mother, he really is one of the sweetest kids you will ever meet, he cares for others, and he is so good. words can't explain. I think Anna said them perfectly the other night about him, I wish i could have wrote it down. Leighton was on cue this morning, she's usually a little harder to get going in the morning, we have to give her a lot of nudges, and reminders to keep her moving, but I watched her this morning and realized how much she's growing and turning into a young lady, so sweet, so beautiful (have you seen her?) so caring, she's such a blessing, which to be honest at one point in my life about the terrible two's I never would have thought she would turn out as good as she has. Which she reminded me the other day, just ask Tori, but that she has learned so much self control, and independence is amazing. Benji said he wanted to play me a song this morning, I held back the tears for this one, I didn't want him to think I was crazy, it was a good song, but more that the song meant something to him, and I saw such a sensitive side in him, and I could feel his love for his daughter, and God, was a gift. I love those moments when a husband opens up to you, but has no idea that he just did, that a song effected him so that he had to play it for me, and then he told me his favorite line, it really touched me. Then I got to play him a song, the words were, "I'm so lucky to be in love with my best friend" they were so true, and I know we could sing them to each other, but don't worry we didn't we just had one of those quiet connecting moments, that I treasure, that speak so much louder than words. Right after that Cohen, my 3 year old, all boy, came up and kissed me, with out me asking and said I like you so much, I don't know why, but like is stronger than love for that boy, so when he says like, it really means something strong. I love those kind of kisses, the ones where they initiate them, so you know that his brain had to be thinking something sweet about me to prompt him to do so. It was a kiss, that said so much, his little hand on my face, pulling me in, I don't know if there is anything sweeter, then that. Ashlyn is giving me a great gift, she is still sleeping in, so I know she is going to wake up happy, and that I'm already in a good mood, I think we may have a few emotional moments today, I'm excited for her to wake up, for us to begin our day, I wish i could remember every sweet moment, every thought, every hug, every kiss. Hayden is becoming the big brother, he's the middle child, two above him, and two below, but watching him grow and become more independent, and caring is such a treasure. He brings so much joy and happiness, he used to be such a mama's boy, staying by my side, just to cuddle, and each day I'm reminding him more to cuddle with me, but on those rare days, he climbs up and just lets me hold him, I'm hoping for one of those days today. A day full of emotion, of love, and of these great moments. I hope the rest of my life I take the time to see the gifts, in what I have been giving, in the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, and the rest of my years. Years to come, years to grow, years to remember. I love my life.

unspoken

A quiet hurt is inside of me, trying to find it's way out. An unspoken cry I hold in for the sake of keeping you safe. Safe from hurt, safe from pain. I love you, like I've loved no other, I've poured the very depths of me into you, my mind is always full of you, dreaming, loving, and hungering, for you, for us to become what my mind pictures us to be. Sometimes I wonder if I'm more in love with the idea, than the truth. Or is the truth, that really keeps me in love, and the idea, that's making me hurt? I hope and pray, that you would get me, that you would love me the way I hunger you to do so. After time and time again, I question, what have I done wrong? Are my expectations to high, but then when I lower them, and they still go unmet, It makes that quiet unspoken hurt rise again. The hurt that I tell myself to let go, I say it's unjustified, so I let it go, I toss it aside, but somehow it creeps slowly back in waiting for the moment where I will open the door to it, and enjoy it's company, until I realize once again, it's stealing the very person I claim to be. It comes on these moments, when I expect you to be something you have never claimed to be, but I have hoped you would become. I know I need to let go, to release, but I like the idea of being an object of your greatest need and desire. Although I understand, I can never be that, I can only be what I am here to be, your greatest support. I love you and I want you to succeed, to succeed at being what you are to me, so I quiet this hurt, so you will not fail me, so you will not let me down. I'm removing this focus from myself, instead I'm putting it on you, to support, to help with your unspoken pain, to encourage, to meet your needs, to do what He has called me to do, Love you.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag
and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not
get upset with others. Love does not count
up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil
but happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always
trusts, always hopes and always remains strong. Love never ends."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I believe a little..help me believe more

I believe a little...help me believe more, is a prayer that was in a devotional I read this morning, I love that it didn't say, Believe More, Ye of little faith! It encouraged me to be open and honest in my heart, asking God to help me believe more. I often do think if I would have just believed more, I would have the things I long after so bad, my son wouldn't be struggling with his health issues, but I know the only way to believe more, is through Jesus helping me to do so. It's like in another book I read, when the guy tried to walk on the water, and Jesus says it might be a little easier with His help.(The Shack..which if you haven't read it, go out and get it right now!!) Often I do try to believe, and hope by my own means, but I can't do it with complete truth or hope with out Him. Everything is through and by Him.

I do need His help to believe more, I wonder why it is so easy for me to believe in other dreams, It's like with all my heart I know they will get their greatest hearts desires. I watched that friend get her house, in His perfect way. I believed it for her, knowing with all my heart that she would get it with his full blessing. I watched a friend, who wanted a baby so bad, I stood and believed that when they decided to adopt, that in all my heart God started preparing that little baby for them, and I remember thinking they would get it that baby so fast, that only He would get the glory, that by Him, it had to be true, sure enough they have that little boy. I've watched another friend who wanted another baby, and believed with all my heart that God would give them their greatest hearts desire, even when they doubted, I never did. And God didn't just give them one baby they are having two, and to me this is just God showing them, I give you your greatest desire, and I give you even more! I believe with all my heart that another dearest friend, will have her hopes and dreams come true, I believe that this is her year, and that I will stand and be apart of her greatest day!! I believe with all my heart that another great friend, will achieve her biggest goal, with His help, and His strength. I believe that another, will stand in full victory with her husband by her side, sharing their testimony to so many, and help and change so many lives for His greater good. I just don't know why I can believe all of this for them, with no doubt, why can't I believe it for myself. I know God wants me to have my greatest hearts desire, but I also doubt that maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is just something I want for myself, and I'm missing what God truly wants for me. I can see that all my friends who I love, deserve this, but I by into the lies that I do not, that I've heard wrong, that other people are so deserving, that I should just be content with what I have.

Maybe God is getting ready to do something big, I am hoping!! And that is why, my dreams, and desires are so strong, and are getting attacked so much. I don't know, I just wish it would be clear, to me right now. I understand God doesn't work that way, He waits, for His perfect timing, no earlier, no later. I know that what I really need to do it trust no matter what He has for me, It will be the best for me, and to put my hope and trust in Him, and stop worrying about the other stuff. But what do you do if, your greatest desire, you believe a little is from Him, but your not so sure. I guess for right now, I'm just going to ask Him to help me believe more.