Stop Missing Out

Something I am noticing lately is how much, we as Christians, miss God. I'm not talking about, the miss as in I miss you Lord, I'm talking about, just flat out miss Him. Not noticing all the wonderful things that He is doing for us. We get so caught up in our own lives, agenda's and needs, that we fail to see the works He is doing for us all along. God is trying to get our attention, when will we stop and take notice? I listen to others, their stories, their situations, and I want to scream, and say don't you see God in this.I'm not saying that I haven't been screamed at as well, it takes others to notice what I can not see. I'm talking about me as well. It's amazing how we can blame God for the bad, the why Lord, why did you let this happen, or beg for his help when we are at our lowest, but we forget to praise Him in the good. I'm not talking about the really good, extraordinary moments, because even those we are so quick to thank Him for, but just the day to day things that He has done for us. We are so quick to complain, that we don't have enough money, that we don't have everything we need, that we are just not happy with our lives right now, we are waiting for the big moments, the so called exciting times, that we miss right now. I'm taking a new challenge, and it's focusing on seeing God in everything. Trying to have an attitude of if this is all I ever have it's enough, because I know You, Lord, have given me everything I need for this very moment, but also having faith that when I need more, I won't even have to ask, because Your word says He gives us all we need. And that is a big thing, the bible says, What do you have that has not been given to you? So therefore He gives us all that we need. It's about trusting that when bad things come our way, God is trying to reveal or teach us something. He's trying to show us who we are in him, that nothing is impossible, or He could be trying to get our attention, so that we can have all He wants for us. Stop, think, and thank Him for all He is doing. Ask Him what He is doing in this very moment, is He making you a better wife, teaching you how to love your husband better, revealing the gift of who your husband really is, Is He making you a better mother, or showing you what a good mother you are? Is He making you a better daughter, stretching you to new lengths in really honoring you parents, Is he making you a better friend, giving you opportunities to love them, or help them, give an encouraging word, Or showing you what good friends He has given you? Is He trying to build your faith, and lean on Him, asking that you hand over the reins to Him, what circumstances does He have to allow so you will only have Him left to trust, because He knows you can't do it with out Him? What gifts is He given you, that you forgot to thank him for? What talents is He trying to show you? Did you ever stop to think that we go through things to be of use to others, to relate, to help, to show that God can do all things. Or that He is getting us to where we need to be, to get all the things He has stored up for us? We have got to stop missing God, I'm taking this challenge, to see God in everything, In my husband, in my kids, in my home, in my family, in my friends, in all his creation, in my circumstances, in my finances, in my hopes and dreams, in my future, and in every area of my life. I don't want to miss a single moment of who God is, and all the wonderful things He is doing, even though I know many times I will, God will hopefully use one of you, to reveal Himself to me! Then I wouldn't have missed God after all, how perfect He is.

We get what we give

If you want something to grow, to it's fullest and best ability you have to tend to it, and care for it. I have these hydrangeas in my front yard, that I planted 2 years ago, when I brought them home they were beautiful, I think they each had only one flower on them, but I was determined to see them grow more. So I carefully planted them, just in the perfect places around every other flowers I had planted. The hydrangeas were my favorite, I cared for them the most and wanted them to be my showcase. I remember that year falling in love with them, going out everyday and watering them, and picking off bad parts, doing all that I could to make them their best, I thought about them all the time. They grew double by the end of the summer, each of them had many flowers, I remember people coming over and complimenting my little garden, I was so proud. Well fall, and them winter came, and I was not experienced in care for them, I just thought they would come back in the spring, and in spring they did. I remember going out and seeing the first buds, growing from the ground, I never took the time to care for them, like I did the year before, and they have never produced one single flower, yes they grew green, but not a single flower, this was so disappointing. I don't know if they have a chance now, but I know one thing, I never sought out to try, I just felt defeated, and overwhelmed all the work I did before, would I have to start all over again, is there a chance to save them, for next year. Alls I know it looks like a garden, no-one has been attending to it's fullest, for it's true beauty. I know that plant was intended to have flowers, so people would see it's beauty.

This is how I have been feeling about myself, and my relationship with God. Some times in my life, I am like that hydrangea, growing and seeing flowers, for all my hard work, and other times I am still planted, looking and feeling less then what I know I could be. As my hydrangea bush, It can grow on it's own,It still has all the things it needs, air, soil, rain, but it needs a gardener to help it be it's best. It needs to be attended to. My relationship with God needs daily tending to, and help from a gardener to help it be it's best. For the past month I have felt like I have been less then what I know I could be, but I decided no more, so I have been getting up and tending to relationship, everyday, I spend time listening to a song, and worshiping God, praying, reading his word, and spending time in a book that is changing my life. I feel like I am growing, and flowers are beginning to grow, that when people see me, they see me at my best. I wish sometimes it was easier, just as I wish my hydrangea bush would just grow flowers on it's own, but truth be told, it doesn't. We get what we give, and that is the truth in all area's of our lives.

A letter to you

I know you don't really think any of this is true, so I'm writing it to always remind you. I just got done reading how God really does want us to love ourselves, He first commands us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind, Then He goes on to command us to love our neighbor as ourselves, but I know you always forget to love yourself, and I have learned how important God thinks it is to love who you are, I have often believed to put others before me, but this I have learned is so wrong. We first have to love ourselves or we are no good to others, so this is a reminder to you, to love who you are. I pray that when you forget these things, this is an open reminder to all the truth of who you are, and that when you can't remember, you have this to read over and over again, and I pray that strength would come because of this.
You are a good person, you really care for others and their well beings, you want all to know who God is, so you try your best to live for Him. You are a good wife, constantly doing all you can to better your marriage, and search God to show you new ways to love your husband. You love being a wife, you love making your husband happy, and would do anything for him. You are a good mother, from a young age you were made for this, I know it's all you dreamed about becoming. You love your kids, and do your best always, I have seen you fail, but not with out picking back up again to make things right. As a mother, you love your kids, and understand they are God's and summit to His authority in how you should raise your kids, you are constantly reexamining how you raise them, in hopes to do right before your kids. You make mistakes, but are open about the mistakes, and show the forgiveness of God to those around you. You are a good sister, I know you would do anything for your family, and are constantly praying the best for your family. Your a good daughter, knowing that times are hard, but honoring your parents in prayer to God, knowing that His Glory will come through. You are a good friend, you think of your friends often, and try to let them know you love them, if they really need you, you are there. You give good advise, because you try to always give Godly advise. You are a good example to those around you, just by being you, by being real, which you have always set out to do.

I want you to know that you are beautiful, even though I know you struggle with this one. The bible says He made you! He created you, you are wonderfully and perfectly made. When you look in the mirror, from now on I want you to see the beauty of your creator, thank Him for all He has given you, stop putting your self down, because you are putting down the works of your Creator. Yes you have flaws, but those are just outer flaws, and even though you can not see it, they are beautiful, because they are you, except them, except you, now is the time to begin loving yourself, so God can fully love you. Throw those insecurities out the window, so the wind can take them far, far, far, away. You are fun, you have a good sense of humor, you love to have a good time, don't let this world steal your joy!!! It's o.k. to have emotions, it's o.k. to get angry, sad, and sometimes feel down, your Creator gave you those feelings stop feeling guilty for having them, instead talk to God about them, and He will reveal why you have those feelings, and show you what to do with them. If you truly want to love yourself, you have to love God first, so you can truly understand why you are the way you are. You are gifted, and you are strong! You have the mind of Christ, and nothing is impossible with Him. You have talents and gifts that God is waiting to show you what they are, people do care what you have to say, and they really do listen. You are not forgotten, You are loved. I know you are all of these things and have a hard time trusting these things about yourself, because you are me.

Today I set out to do as God commanded and love myself, it was not easy to write, and it may seem boastful, but it is not, It was challenging, but it was freeing, it was allowing myself to see how God sees me, and to confess who I am, and to begin loving myself as God has commanded me to do. I believe as I wrote this things were breaking off my life, I hunger to be used for Christ, but if I can't love and know who I really am, I cannot be used the way God wants to use me. I always thought I had to love others before myself, but I learned we have to love others as much as ourselves, so if I don't love who I am, how can I love others? It's God's orders.

Monkey

Tonight you have made your nickname come to a hole new meaning, I think you fulfill it everyday. You have always been quiet advanced in your motor skills, I don't know if having 3 older brothers and 1 older sister made you feel the need to keep up at a young age. Tonight when you climbed up on the toilet, then into the bathroom sink, and managed to turn on the cold water, I just had to laugh at my little monkey. This is not the highest you have climbed, but I think it is the most unique to date. You didn't like the cold water, but looked at me with a sense of accomplishment. I often wonder if you have no fear yet of heights, even though you have fallen countless times, or if there's a sense of wonder in you even at a young age, does this fill an adrenaline rush? You never want to stop moving, always on the go, I wonder if thats how your life will always be, always having a sense of wonder and exploration. Will it be hard to keep you grounded in our little world? Is there a gift that is waiting to climb out, for us to find? Nothing in your mind seems impossible to you, you believe you can do it all, I hope you keep this, but know that I will always do my best to keep you safe while I can, it's my job, even though you think I'm just getting in your way. I can promise you that in your life you will feel many times that we get in your way, but it will always be for your benefit, always for your protection. I hope we can always find the middle ground, as you grow up, when you want to explore and I want to keep you safe, that with each day as I teach you to do things on your own, I will also let go a tiny bit, sometimes it will be unwilling, and sometimes it will be with complete confidence, but I will have to let go so that our monkey can climb on her very own.

In one day

I have been thinking a lot about the power in one day, in one day you can create or you can destroy. It's amazing what God created in one day, we all know the story, He created the light and darkness on one day, then the sky, then the land, and so on until He created every living creation including man. I'm sure a lot of thought came into play when He created things, I can just imagine, like an artist creating His masterpiece, how much careful thought went into every detail of the different kinds of light, through the sun, the moon, and all those millions and millions of stars, to the sky, starting with a blank canvas, adding touches of blue, and purples and pinks for the beautiful sunset, and creating how day and evening would look. I could go on and on, just about God's perfect creation. When He created man, He created us to walk and talk with Him, with nothing getting in our way, how glorious this must have been. But in one day, man destroyed the very way God created us to be in relationship with Him, because of disobedience leading to sin. Thankfully not all was destroyed, and God was creating a new plan, to bring us back in relationship with Him, through His son Jesus. Thankfully, we still had the world He created for us, and all the wonderful things in it, we just lost the most important part of His creation, our close relationship, now it would become difficult to have a walking, talking, real relationship.

The reason I've been thinking about this is because of a question I have been asking myself, When? When did my relationship with God go from feeling like I was in a close relationship, to whom I talked with and felt extremely close to, to lately feeling like I went on vacation and I need catch up time with a close friend. I have never known the relationship Adam and Eve had with God, and I wouldn't have wanted to be them, knowing the real way, experiencing it, then to have lost it. Thankfully one day we will have what Adam and Eve had in the garden, to walk with the Lord ,and never lose it. Oh I can't wait! Well I have been close to God, feeling Him, knowing Him through His word, obeying Him, experiencing the blessings on my life. But lately I have felt I lost something, I believe it happened in a matter of one day, just by not taking the time to be with Him, or by disobedience and hiding from Him. I can't pin point the day, I most likely don't even realize how it happened, but it did. The problem, one day led to another and another, of not being with God, not growing and strengthening our relationship. I know I didn't do this on purpose, believe me I want to know God, sometimes I just get so caught up in me, and feel to busy, that I just lose that one day. Thankfully I don't lose everything, God is always there waiting to forgive me, and restore our relationship.

I'm sick of the circle's, going round and round in my relationship with God, feeling close to feeling distant. I need to learn that everyday counts! That I can create my relationship and make it something beautiful, filling in all the details, painting it perfectly with my creator, or I can destroy it. I know destroy is a strong word, and that what is already created has not been lost, but if I am not building something up, I'm either not building it to its full potential for what I originally created it be, or I am slowly tearing it down. I just believe if we are not doing all we can to become who God has created us to be, we are destroying the very purpose God has created us for. We are allowing other distractions, from the enemy, to be in perfect relationship with our God. I don't know about you, but I am sick of destroying what I could have created!!

Sin is our destroyer, it comes in all shapes, sizes, disguises, and voices. Whether we believe it or not, we choose to sin. If our relationship with God is lacking , or we feel unhappy, I think we need to ask God to reveal the sin in our lives, that is destroying our relationship and our very purpose. It always amazes me, when I think I have a clean slate, and still feel unhappy, God always reveals unforgiveness in my heart, selfish motives, pride, I could go on and on, after all the bible says not one of us is with out blame.

I was asking God this morning to restore our relationship, I was explaining to Him how I wanted to feel happy, and stop having the ups and the downs, to be content, after realizing that my relationship was feeling less then it should because of one day leading to other day, then to God also revealing this scripture to me. Happy is the person who's sins are forgiven, whose wrongs are pardoned. Happy is the person whom the Lord does not consider guilty and in whom there is nothing false. When I kept things to myself, I felt weak deep inside of me. I moaned all day long. Psalms 32:1-3 this is when it hit me, I need to be forgiven, and then allow God to restore my relationship with Him. I could do all I can to be happy, but if God hasn't forgiven me daily of my sins, I will never feel happy. This chapter in psalms goes on to say after we confess our sins and are free from guilt, The Lord says, "I will make you wise and show you were to go, I will guide you and watch over you" vs 8. This is why I felt lost, God couldn't do His work in me, until He revealed what I needed to let go of first. That in a matter of one day, of not spending time, I was destroying my relationship with Him. I will never be happy if my happiness is not in Him alone! I can search and try to find happiness in other things, but unless I am in perfect relationship with God I will never be truly happy. Every day counts in building this relationship. It has to be God's way and God's way alone.

I will not fail you, because He will not fail me

This question has been plaguing me for too long. Am I good parent, am I really doing the best for my kids? My patients just hasn't been around lately, and I feel it's been stretched to it's limit in different situations. This is very emotional for me, because I want to be a great parent. I know I will not be perfect, and who says I have to be. I just haven't felt good enough, after going to the doctor today, with my most difficult and challenging child, I left in tears with the realization that I lost control somewhere down the line. I found myself feeling defeated with all of his issues, and feeling like I failed him at some point. The doctor commented on his behavioral issues, a.k.a, not listening and hyperactive. She even used the term ADHD which I think is a load. I know my child, I know his little ways, yes he's stubborn, but he knows what he wants, he just hasn't figured out how to use this characteristic in a good way, isn't that our job as parents? To teach our kids how to use their gifts and characteristics for a greater good. I realize I'm making mistakes, the biggest right now is trying to do this on my own, I've been asking advise from others, when I should be asking the One who mad him. I forget this sometimes, to first ask God to give me direction as a parent, I usually come to Him when I feel all is lost, then as usual He gives me hope and the tools I need, I just need to bring it to Him first, so I will be confident as a parent. I have been failing my child in a way, not seeking God for his life and his purpose is not giving my child everything he needs. I would go up and say how sorry I am, that I haven't understood him, that I haven't been the best mommy I can be, that I love him more than he could ever know, and I will never stop no matter what, I love him just the way he is, and i'm so thankful for who God made him, that even with all his difficulties, he's perfect and I wouldn't change him, I'm going to allow God to do His work and I won't get in the way, that I'm going to allow him to be a boy even in a world that thinks we need to "tame" our boys, I'm not going to let people tell me what I should be doing with him, but seek God, and yes I'll discipline when it's out of rebellion because God's word tells me to do so, but it will be out of love and not out of anger or pride. I would go up and tell him all this, but he would just look at me like I lost my mind and he most likelywould not understand, so I'll just hug and kiss him, and say I love you just the way you are, and allow God to speak the rest into his tiny little soul. I will fail, if on my own, but thankfully I have God and His spirit will guide me, and I will not be alone. I know I'll still make mistakes, but by His blood He will cover me, and protect my children. After all, my children belong to God, and to Him they will stay, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Don't read if you offend easily

I can not do this once a month, o.k. so i guess I have no choice, but the emotions, and rage i feel are just not right. i haven't had this in so long, because i have been pregnant or nursing over the last 10 years, with a couple of months in between, but not enough for my body to kick in "normal" -full gear. I really feel like I'm losing it, until i realize the cause, and then i still feel like i have no control. During this "time" I feel like the worst wife and mother, After His Heart gets thrown out the window, and I think I have to get on my knee's and ask for forgiveness a hundred times in one day, the best thing for me would be to not get off of my knee's then I think I would be safe. Obviously I know this can not be done, but hey it was an idea. I always feel like my husband is not good enough, my kids are out of control and disobedient, and nobody cares to help me with the house. Today I cleaned the house from top to bottom, while yelling at the kids to help, and asking them why they can't keep up with the messes. While full knowing this is learned behavior from me. I feel like my marriage is falling apart, and my husband doesn't care enough about me, while he asks me, Have you ever wondered why our marriage is falling apart once every month, do you think there might be a reason? I use to think he was just being a jerk, and looking for any way to blame me, until I started to notice that once a month for about 3 months around the exact same time, I felt our marriage was not good enough. He was right, so now i try to keep my mouth shut, and hold on for the week following, when I love my life, my husband, and I have the best kids in the whole world, who cares that the house isn't clean, we have each other. So I guess I'm holding on to next week, and in the mean time I'll be trying to win the battle with those 3 awful letters!

(a good example of this "thing" is I wrote the other blog this morning, yes I still hunger after God, I need Him more than anything, but I think I lost the battle today, how do you go from that to this in one day? uhhh.....stupid pms)

I miss you

I miss You, I'm brought to tears at those very words. It's not that I haven't had time with You, in fact I have seen you all week, the works of Your very hands have been around me. I've given You little moments, a small prayer, a quiet thank you, a please forgive me, an I love You, I just haven't had a whole lot of You and me time. You have given me the most wonderful week, a trip with my husband, a play date with a good friend, and then a trip with my children later in the week, a full day to clean my house, and now it's time for just You. I can't wait to meet You in the morning. I missed our time last week, and I'm hungering for it so bad. I'm thankful for last weekend, You knew I needed that more than anything, I just can't wait to feel Your presence, to be in Your house, loving You with all my heart. Learning about just You. Being with You, giving You what I can not carry anymore, and You giving me the strength I need. I miss You, Lord.

Anniversary weekend

Our weekend was amazing! I just kept thinking why don't we do this more often? It was perfect, the weather, our time, everything. It was so fun just the ride in the car, with no kids, it was so peaceful. We talked and laughed, and enjoyed the scenery around us. We almost hit a deer, but my husbands wonderful driving saved the day. It was so scary, but so exciting, that Benji couldn't stop talking about his "professional" driving. We went a little out of our way, due to direction malfunction, this would normally get me upset, but I just kept thinking, I don't care, I'm alone with my husband and nothing is going to ruin this trip! (even though it felt like everything was trying to ruin our getaway, mostly me and my attitude, which I changed way before we left, o.k. maybe only a couple of hours, but I did it!) We arrived at our camping site a little later than planned, and thought that all campsites were all booked up, but we found a site, it was perfect. We had to set up camp in the dark, but this to, was exciting in it's own way. Benji built us the most wonderful fire, because once again he reminded me he was a "professional". We roasted marshmallows, and made smores. We talked and cuddled close. The stars were amazing, the air was perfect! We went to bed, in our little tent, with our air mattress, which Benji thanked me for insisting on getting. I woke up to bacon and eggs, cooked on an open fire. Benji was in heaven, I just loved watching him in his element. He loved this, and I loved being there with him. Our hike was so much fun, it was beautiful, it was breathtaking. It took half the day, we were so tired by the end, but I was sad that it was over. We decided to go to another park, and do more climbing, o.k. this was Benji's idea, but I went along, and it ended up to be fun. We were heading to the bed and breakfast next, but first stopped to go inside an antique shop, in a really old house. I got lost for a while in another time. I couldn't wait for the bed and breakfast, it was all I could think about at this point was to relax. It was amazing! We hung out, took a bath, got ready, went to dinner, then headed back, got our suits on and climbed into the hot tub. It was another beautiful night, the moon was bright with a ring around it, we joked and flirted, I felt as if we were dating again. I found myself wondering how could I ever love Benji more than I did at that very moment. After a long relaxing time, we went back to our room, watch some t.v. and then both couldn't keep our eyes awake, and decided to go to bed, looked at the time, and realized it was only 9:30, and laughed at how old we felt, but didn't care and went to bed anyways. We woke up had breakfast and were off to home, we missed our kids. I have to say this was my favorite anniversary yet, it was the greatest gift I have ever received, time with my husband to fall head over heels more in love with him. It was exactly what my heart needed, nothing could replace what I have been given.

a heart can be deceived.
it's time to stop letting my heart lead me,
and begin leading my heart.

Me?

Is it me? I feel this disconnection happening and I wonder is it me? I've been silent, like I've felt I should be, but all I feel I'm getting is a loss. I know it's strengthening the most important relationships you have given me, but am I losing the others. Am I becoming the outsider looking in. I know one of my greatest lessons I still need to learn is, I can't do it all. It's hard trusting, it's a stretch, but I know I have to get it right, so I don't have to do a u-turn over and over again. I want to do it Your way, but will I have to say good-bye? will I have to let go? I know not forever, but for a season. I place it in Your hands. I trust that You are in control.