I can not do this once a month, o.k. so i guess I have no choice, but the emotions, and rage i feel are just not right. i haven't had this in so long, because i have been pregnant or nursing over the last 10 years, with a couple of months in between, but not enough for my body to kick in "normal" -full gear. I really feel like I'm losing it, until i realize the cause, and then i still feel like i have no control. During this "time" I feel like the worst wife and mother, After His Heart gets thrown out the window, and I think I have to get on my knee's and ask for forgiveness a hundred times in one day, the best thing for me would be to not get off of my knee's then I think I would be safe. Obviously I know this can not be done, but hey it was an idea. I always feel like my husband is not good enough, my kids are out of control and disobedient, and nobody cares to help me with the house. Today I cleaned the house from top to bottom, while yelling at the kids to help, and asking them why they can't keep up with the messes. While full knowing this is learned behavior from me. I feel like my marriage is falling apart, and my husband doesn't care enough about me, while he asks me, Have you ever wondered why our marriage is falling apart once every month, do you think there might be a reason? I use to think he was just being a jerk, and looking for any way to blame me, until I started to notice that once a month for about 3 months around the exact same time, I felt our marriage was not good enough. He was right, so now i try to keep my mouth shut, and hold on for the week following, when I love my life, my husband, and I have the best kids in the whole world, who cares that the house isn't clean, we have each other. So I guess I'm holding on to next week, and in the mean time I'll be trying to win the battle with those 3 awful letters!
(a good example of this "thing" is I wrote the other blog this morning, yes I still hunger after God, I need Him more than anything, but I think I lost the battle today, how do you go from that to this in one day? uhhh.....stupid pms)
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3 comments:
Keri, I totally agree with you. Unfortunately it's a family trait we have!!! It's a good thing that Benji and Alex have figured it out and that for just one week a month they know it's not our fault we act that way. It's also good they love us enough not to react to us when we act like that!
Wow... I just give you a huge applause for being a mom of 5. I know what you mean with the "thing" but at lease be thankful that it is only during that time for you... just the other day Josh asked me if it was that "time" yet cuz of my attitude.. ouch.. I'm not even close to my "time" yet... I supposed I am a bit "under-qualified" to give you some motherly advise (although I do enjoy learning from SuperNanny) but as a sister in the Lord I can remind you to of course keep your eyes on Jesus and not the circumstance... that's when we sink :)
i just had to laugh a little bit when you say After His Heart goes right out the window... I think my book has been sitting in my front lawn all week!!!
next week will soon be here my friend! i love you...
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