Breakdown

I keep thinking I need to have a break down, but it won't come. So what if it didn't? what good would it do anyways? Would it make me stronger, no, would it make me feel better, maybe for a minute, but I don't need a break down, I think I need a fix-up. When something isn't working the way it should, we don't hope it breaks down, we do what we can to fix it. We find the tools or we call on a someone for help. I need to be fixed up, not broken down, it's easier to break down, to just give up and let what ever it is, ...win. I guess I'm in need of the right tools, or good support. I've always been the strong one, the one others lean on, but I can't be that right now, I've been letting myself get broken down, it's time for some fine tuning, to deal with real issues, to let go, to dream, and really hope. To stay and not run...to be me and not hide. I'm always afraid people won't like me when I'm weak, it's not who I am, but I've lost that somewhere along the way, I lost the part of me, or maybe I gave it away, but I'm going to find it again, claim what is rightfully mine. I will not become these labels I have stamped upon myself, I will allow Him to speak who I am. I will believe...again. I can't be it all, I keep failing, trying, so I give up, I think if I can't be the best wife, I don't want to try, God knows I've failed to many times. I can't be the best mom, so I become half of what I should be, I can't be the best daughter, so I won't, I can't be the best sister, so I let go, I can' t keep trying to be the best friend, so I'll let someone else have it, someone who would be better. I can't be the best Christian, some days it seems like to much work, and I don't want more work, I just want Him, I don't want more advise... it only makes me feel more like a failure. I just want to know and to really realize that I don't have to be my best, I just have to be me, the real me, the one He says I am. I just want to be fun again, to laugh and enjoy every gift I have been given. To not put so much pressure on myself, and when I fail, to get back up , try better next time, to learn from my mistakes, and laugh at myself a little more. I only can do so much, but He can do it all.