NO WORDS

emotions, the good ones

I'm having a sensitive morning, the kind when tears are about to burst, but it's a good emotion. The kind when I cry because I feel so blessed, so lucky, so loved. I just love my husband and kids. I love my life, yes I have aches, and pains, of people I miss, or would love to be closer to. But for right now, my plate is full, and it's filled with all my favorite things, so why add something that I wouldn't want at this moment, something that just wouldn't go at this point of my meal so to say. Sorry I got off track for a moment, I tend to do that, have you met me? Back to my emotions, the good ones, before I bring up the bad ones, and this post goes a completely different way. So I'm having a sensitive morning, it all started when Brennan, my 9 year old, was crying at the breakfast table, he was having a bad emotional morning, anyways, all I wanted to do was take his tears away, fill it with the joy, that I feel for this boy. I hugged him, and he hugged me back, with one of those perfect hugs,where he melted into my arms, the kind that he needed so badly, and so did I. The hug said, he still needed me, he needed my love, he needed to know he was safe and loved. I don't know if you have a 9 year old boy, but sometimes a hug feels more like, "o.k. mom, let me go now" but not this morning, it was genuine, it was perfect. And as I released him, I knew that I was so honored to be his mother, he really is one of the sweetest kids you will ever meet, he cares for others, and he is so good. words can't explain. I think Anna said them perfectly the other night about him, I wish i could have wrote it down. Leighton was on cue this morning, she's usually a little harder to get going in the morning, we have to give her a lot of nudges, and reminders to keep her moving, but I watched her this morning and realized how much she's growing and turning into a young lady, so sweet, so beautiful (have you seen her?) so caring, she's such a blessing, which to be honest at one point in my life about the terrible two's I never would have thought she would turn out as good as she has. Which she reminded me the other day, just ask Tori, but that she has learned so much self control, and independence is amazing. Benji said he wanted to play me a song this morning, I held back the tears for this one, I didn't want him to think I was crazy, it was a good song, but more that the song meant something to him, and I saw such a sensitive side in him, and I could feel his love for his daughter, and God, was a gift. I love those moments when a husband opens up to you, but has no idea that he just did, that a song effected him so that he had to play it for me, and then he told me his favorite line, it really touched me. Then I got to play him a song, the words were, "I'm so lucky to be in love with my best friend" they were so true, and I know we could sing them to each other, but don't worry we didn't we just had one of those quiet connecting moments, that I treasure, that speak so much louder than words. Right after that Cohen, my 3 year old, all boy, came up and kissed me, with out me asking and said I like you so much, I don't know why, but like is stronger than love for that boy, so when he says like, it really means something strong. I love those kind of kisses, the ones where they initiate them, so you know that his brain had to be thinking something sweet about me to prompt him to do so. It was a kiss, that said so much, his little hand on my face, pulling me in, I don't know if there is anything sweeter, then that. Ashlyn is giving me a great gift, she is still sleeping in, so I know she is going to wake up happy, and that I'm already in a good mood, I think we may have a few emotional moments today, I'm excited for her to wake up, for us to begin our day, I wish i could remember every sweet moment, every thought, every hug, every kiss. Hayden is becoming the big brother, he's the middle child, two above him, and two below, but watching him grow and become more independent, and caring is such a treasure. He brings so much joy and happiness, he used to be such a mama's boy, staying by my side, just to cuddle, and each day I'm reminding him more to cuddle with me, but on those rare days, he climbs up and just lets me hold him, I'm hoping for one of those days today. A day full of emotion, of love, and of these great moments. I hope the rest of my life I take the time to see the gifts, in what I have been giving, in the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, and the rest of my years. Years to come, years to grow, years to remember. I love my life.

unspoken

A quiet hurt is inside of me, trying to find it's way out. An unspoken cry I hold in for the sake of keeping you safe. Safe from hurt, safe from pain. I love you, like I've loved no other, I've poured the very depths of me into you, my mind is always full of you, dreaming, loving, and hungering, for you, for us to become what my mind pictures us to be. Sometimes I wonder if I'm more in love with the idea, than the truth. Or is the truth, that really keeps me in love, and the idea, that's making me hurt? I hope and pray, that you would get me, that you would love me the way I hunger you to do so. After time and time again, I question, what have I done wrong? Are my expectations to high, but then when I lower them, and they still go unmet, It makes that quiet unspoken hurt rise again. The hurt that I tell myself to let go, I say it's unjustified, so I let it go, I toss it aside, but somehow it creeps slowly back in waiting for the moment where I will open the door to it, and enjoy it's company, until I realize once again, it's stealing the very person I claim to be. It comes on these moments, when I expect you to be something you have never claimed to be, but I have hoped you would become. I know I need to let go, to release, but I like the idea of being an object of your greatest need and desire. Although I understand, I can never be that, I can only be what I am here to be, your greatest support. I love you and I want you to succeed, to succeed at being what you are to me, so I quiet this hurt, so you will not fail me, so you will not let me down. I'm removing this focus from myself, instead I'm putting it on you, to support, to help with your unspoken pain, to encourage, to meet your needs, to do what He has called me to do, Love you.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag
and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not
get upset with others. Love does not count
up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil
but happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always
trusts, always hopes and always remains strong. Love never ends."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I believe a little..help me believe more

I believe a little...help me believe more, is a prayer that was in a devotional I read this morning, I love that it didn't say, Believe More, Ye of little faith! It encouraged me to be open and honest in my heart, asking God to help me believe more. I often do think if I would have just believed more, I would have the things I long after so bad, my son wouldn't be struggling with his health issues, but I know the only way to believe more, is through Jesus helping me to do so. It's like in another book I read, when the guy tried to walk on the water, and Jesus says it might be a little easier with His help.(The Shack..which if you haven't read it, go out and get it right now!!) Often I do try to believe, and hope by my own means, but I can't do it with complete truth or hope with out Him. Everything is through and by Him.

I do need His help to believe more, I wonder why it is so easy for me to believe in other dreams, It's like with all my heart I know they will get their greatest hearts desires. I watched that friend get her house, in His perfect way. I believed it for her, knowing with all my heart that she would get it with his full blessing. I watched a friend, who wanted a baby so bad, I stood and believed that when they decided to adopt, that in all my heart God started preparing that little baby for them, and I remember thinking they would get it that baby so fast, that only He would get the glory, that by Him, it had to be true, sure enough they have that little boy. I've watched another friend who wanted another baby, and believed with all my heart that God would give them their greatest hearts desire, even when they doubted, I never did. And God didn't just give them one baby they are having two, and to me this is just God showing them, I give you your greatest desire, and I give you even more! I believe with all my heart that another dearest friend, will have her hopes and dreams come true, I believe that this is her year, and that I will stand and be apart of her greatest day!! I believe with all my heart that another great friend, will achieve her biggest goal, with His help, and His strength. I believe that another, will stand in full victory with her husband by her side, sharing their testimony to so many, and help and change so many lives for His greater good. I just don't know why I can believe all of this for them, with no doubt, why can't I believe it for myself. I know God wants me to have my greatest hearts desire, but I also doubt that maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is just something I want for myself, and I'm missing what God truly wants for me. I can see that all my friends who I love, deserve this, but I by into the lies that I do not, that I've heard wrong, that other people are so deserving, that I should just be content with what I have.

Maybe God is getting ready to do something big, I am hoping!! And that is why, my dreams, and desires are so strong, and are getting attacked so much. I don't know, I just wish it would be clear, to me right now. I understand God doesn't work that way, He waits, for His perfect timing, no earlier, no later. I know that what I really need to do it trust no matter what He has for me, It will be the best for me, and to put my hope and trust in Him, and stop worrying about the other stuff. But what do you do if, your greatest desire, you believe a little is from Him, but your not so sure. I guess for right now, I'm just going to ask Him to help me believe more.

A new way of thinking

Today at church, we sang this song, and the words were I will bless you, Lord. As I sang the words, I had to repent and change my way of thinking. I always say how God has blessed me so, and how much I feel blessed, but I never really thought about blessing God. As I sang the song, I quietly asked in my heart, How can I bless you Lord? He blesses me so much, and it feels so good, I wonder how much He would enjoy being blessed by me. I started thinking how have I been living my life, does it bless Him. Do I live out my life to bless Him? I'm sure somethings I do, bless Him, but I wasn't trying to bless Him, but I want to know what I can do to try to bless Him, and think everyday what can I do today...to bless You, Lord. To really change my way of thinking, stop focusing on how He can bless me, and live my life to bless Him. I mean I bless other people, why not Him, I take the time to learn what my family and friends need to bless them at a time they need it, why shouldn't I take the time to bless God. I know He doesn't need anything, but I'm sure He wants it, just like He wants our love. God is love, yet He still wants out love, so why wouldn't the one that blesses, not want to be blessed. I'm actually a little excited to try to figure out ways to bless Him, to try to learn what I could do, not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to sing those words with full confidence behind them, I will bless you, Lord.

The longest day ever

I keep looking at the clock, hoping that it will tell me something different, the time it actually feels. I'm having one of those long, slowly going by kind of days. I look at the clock and it only says 4:00 I feel like it should be 8 or 9 pm, and I should be getting the kids ready for bed, It feel like my husband should be just walking in the door to give me one of those hugs I need so bad today. It was beautiful out today, I should have taken the kids out, but the mud on the ground made for a bigger problem, and way more work then I needed today. I having one of those days, where if I'm not careful I could get into trouble with my thoughts. so instead I come here, in hopes that I can express something, and leave feeling I passed some time. I started to get dinner ready, but we usually don't eat this early so once again, the time is creeping by. I don't think my kids have stopped crying or fighting today, and I feel that I am going to lose my mind. I have had back talk in my house, and have heard hurtful sharp words come out of my kids mouths, and have wondered where did I go wrong, and in all this feel overwhelmed at the task of head of correcting there behavior, with out losing my temper, or emotions. Ashlyn has been wanting to potty train herself, insisting that she stand like a boy, ending up peeing on my floor. Cohen has been crying that Hayden stole his car, while the sound of cars being pushed up and down the hallway seems like nails on the chalkboard at the moment. Leighton has been getting hurt all day, it feels like every minute I turn around something tragic has happen to her. Brennan is upset with me, because I wouldn't let him go to his friends house that I don't know or trust his parents, so instead I let him have his cousin Noah over, which just happens to be the loudest child on earth. So yes I have a very loud and full house tonight, and all i want to do is get in my car and go to a quiet bookstore, but Benji won't be home till later tonight. I can't wait for church in the morning where for a brief time, I get to give my children to others to watch, and have some time to worship and hopefully recieve a message to give me some strengths that I need so badly right now. But if I focus on tomorrow, today is going to go so much slower, so instead I'm going to walk away, pick up that child that is crying right by my side, go tell those kids to settle down, and get ready to cook dinner, now that I wasted a few more moments in the longest day ever.

This morning Ashlyn wanted to get on the potty, she pulled down her pants herself, put the seat on the toilet and started to try to get on herself. She couldn't do it all herself, so I helped her take off the diaper, and put her on the toilet, which she sat on for 15 minutes, trying her hardest to go. I'm not beginning to potty train her, she's only 20 months old, she just wanted to do this all on her own. She never went, this isn't one of those "brag" moments about potty training, It more about the amazement of this little girl, the wonders of who she is. That she is a girl, and before her I have 2 boys, another girl, and a boy. My other daughter was never as determined to be this independent, or determined to keep up with her older brother. If anything Leighton (now 7) has always held on to staying my baby, while my baby seems to be determined to be my big girl. I'm just amazed at the difference between boys and girls, but also the difference between each of my children. Ashlyn is know as our little monkey, because she never stops climbing on things, and trying new things, she's always tried to keep up with the other children, and do things she's not "age appropriate" for yet. She is such a perfect mixture of all the kids it just amazes me, it's as if from the moment she was born she start taking a little from each of the my kids. She has Brennan's determination, Leighton's girly side and sensitivity, Hayden's goofyness and joy, and Cohen's stubbornness. I'm just in a little shock at how fast they all grow, that my baby is already becoming a big girl, and my oldest is 9, that the past 9 years have been the happiest times of my life, I can't wait for what else is in store. I love, love, love the baby years, but I am looking forward to growing with my kids, as they grow and learn, I pray that I will grow and learn through each of them how to be a better mother, and learn to be more like them, and enjoy these times. Enjoy the moment of taking a little girl, who is clearly not ready to potty train, and just wants to sit on the potty, while a little part of me knows this is a waste of time in the sense that she is not going to go, but everything in me knows that there is no such thing as a waste of time, when it comes to being with your kids, when it comes to encouraging your kids to do what you know they will be able to do one day, no matter how small the task may be. To speak already, I believe in you, or I'm here no matter what you need, yes I have a million other things I could be doing, but you are more important. I hope I will remember these words, I know sometimes I won't, I am human after all, but I pray that I would remember that as a mother, everything I do counts to these little hearts. I love them so much, and I feel so, so blessed.

organized mess

I have tried to be more scheduled, tried and tried and tried, but have failed over and over again. It's funny I'm organized in so many ways, but when it comes to routine I just can't keep one. My husband grew up in a family that was so routine and scheduled down to laundry was done on a certain day, and they had a meal plan for each week. The house flowed from week to week, always knowing what to expect. I've tried recreating that, so my family would always have thier laundry on the days they need it, because normally we are drying something and waiting for it to get done on those early church mornings. We never have socks, so I have tried to do laundry on tuesdays and saturdays, but it's wednesday and the laundry is not done. I've thought about mopping on saturdays, but that only happens, we'll I'm not even going to share. I have tried to become this "model" housewife, always having a clean house, in order and under control. Well I'm throwing in the towel, I've realized it's just not me. I can't stick to a routine, I can't have the same thing happening over and over again, just for the sake of order. It takes away from who I am, the creative and spontaneous part of me. The part that changes when it's time to change, and see's what we really need at that moment, yes my laundry needs to be done, but that kid that is hanging on my leg, needs me more. My mother in law, I have always admired how she ran her house, her kids always taking care of, laundry done, food prepared, but shes always had to make everything equal, each kid getting exactly the same amount or gifts on special occasions, that was her routine. I can't be that, I love to give, to take my kids out on special days, to find that perfect gift at the perfect time, I don't keep track of who I got what, I keep track of who needs what at what time. This is how I run my house, I take care of it in the same way, when the dishes need to be done, and might be overflowing, I take care of them, when my husband is running low on underwear, I'll get on his laundry, yes it's not always there waiting for him, but it there when he might least expect it. I've decided to embrace who I am, and stop trying to be something I am not. I love doing things my way, to love my way, to give my way..so why do I keep trying to be who I am not? I'm giving up on routine, and just going with the flow, I think that way I might get the focus off of doing things in order, and see what really needs to be taken care of..my family. And by just being me, I will proud of who I am, instead of always feeling like a failure, because I will fail being someone else, but I will always succeed being me.

Thankful

When I awoke this morning and realized I didn't have to go anywhere but home today, I thanked God. When my husband walked the kids down to the bus stop and I didn't have to get all bundled up, I thanked God, for my wonderful husband. When Benji was playing with them on the bed before he left for work, and laughter was filling my house, I thanked God, for a husband that is the best father, and that we have so much joy in my house. As Benji walked out the door and gave me a kiss goodbye, and I get to stay at home everyday with my little ones, I thanked God for my husband once again for being a great provider. As I went to clean up my kitchen from last nights get together, I was overwhelmed with emotion. One that I was thankful to God that I have this house, and I actually was enjoying cleaning it lately, But mostly thankful for the people that were here last night, so thankful that God had put each of them in my life, all fulfilling something I've needed. And that the one we celebrated, was so happy and I would do anything to keep her that way. I thanked God that she felt the love we all had for her, and that He gave us her to do all that for.As I go back in my head from last night and see all the faces in the room, and I recall all He has done for each of them, and all I know He is going to do, I see His glory through them all. Even as I cleaned up the cherry pie, and my kids were begging to have them for breakfast,that apart of my friend is rubbing off on my kids, I realized more how truly blessed I am, I just can't believe God loves me this much. I know He meant for us to enjoy this life, I'm just so glad He has made it so easy for me to do so. As I sit here and type these words, and I'm drinking coffee, I thank God, I don't know if I could make it with out it! I have so much to be thankful for, it's only 9:26 in the morning, and I've already been given so much today.. I can't wait to see how many more gifts are in today. God you are so good, and if I've failed to tell you lately, I'm so sorry, but thank you for being who you are. And help me see You in everything, all your goodness. I love you.