who am I?

I don't know what this is, these thoughts and feeling, they seem so new, so foreign. I trying to figure out if it's a lesson being taught this road I am traveling. I trying to see if it's time to let go. Time to move on, time to release the old, and step into the new. I just can't seem to figure out what this new is. I'm trying to move, but have no idea where it is I am going. I don't feel like me, I feel less, I feel powerless, lost in thoughts that I don't understand. Insecurities, that I've never had before. I hate what I feel that I am becoming, I don't feel strong, I don't feel I have the answers this time, I don't feel You speaking, or guiding, and it's leaving me unsure, it's making me question when did I walk away, or turn around, or just stop. Honestly I feel alone, moving in my own direction, that I can't escape. I'm feeling older, and unsure, questioning have I done right up until now. Am I where You want me to be, watching others going in a direction that use to be my own, now I'm going ahead without those few to understand. I'm entering a new stage, and I know it and I feel it, but I haven't let go. I haven't let go, of the comfortableness of who I use to be, and am honestly scared because I don't know yet how to be this new thing I am going to become. I guess I can't move, when I haven't let go, that seems so simple, yet I believe one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. If I let go, will You're hand be there to help, will it be there to walk next to me, and at times take over and lead? I know it's time to let go, I know I can't enjoy life if I'm not walking through it. I can't sit on the side lines, when the game is the best place to be. It's time to let go, time to follow again, time to listen and find, time to experience the greatness of this life You have given me. So today even though with sadness I let go, I have so much joy in those moments already given, I have hope for far better and greater moments to come. I will trust that Your hand is in mine right now, and Your voice has become stronger, and that You right now are leading and guiding me, until I can walk side by side on my own with You, truly enjoying this next journey, when my eyes are opened to all You really have to offer. Take my hand...I'm letting go.

imagination to reality

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant, it was so real, I could feel the baby move inside of me, I guess somewhere in my mind, I remember every little detail, my brain has held onto this feeling subconsciously. I remember I started to wake up and a part of me, knew if I woke up, I would no longer be pregnant, this baby I had imagine, would soon become just that, an imagination. A part of me did not want to wake up, I really felt like I wanted that baby, at least the moment, the feeling I loved so many times of little kicks, little movements, and the anticipation of having a new life into my arms and life. I knew I had to wake up, I knew I had to let reality, be reality. I started to wonder why I didn't want to wake up, did I really want another baby? Why do I have a sadness, knowing I will no longer have this, knowing we made the decision to move on and enter a new chapter of our lives. Is it because I want another child? I've been pondering this for a long time, questioning if another baby is what I really want, or if it's the memories of it all. The good news is I know I don't want another baby, I just want the experience to go back and redo all those wonderful moments, just like I would give anything to walk down that isle again to experience that special day that I said "i do" to the man I love. However I never would go back to that moment, because then I would erase what I have been given at this very moment. A baby however you can redo over and over again, and the out come is always a blessing, but I realized it wasn't a new baby i wanted it is the memory, the experience, the gift of those moments. I realized that i wish I could recreate or have so many of the moments that have already passed in my life given back to me. I realized instead of hoping time would speed up some days, that I need to enjoy the gift of today. Those moments when I had wished my baby would come fast, now I wish I could have that moment back of that tiny little life inside of me, kicking me, me trying to guess which part I could feel through that swollen belly of mine. The time when I wished time would speed up, so I could lose that baby weight, how I would take that weight back, to hold that tiny little baby. Or on those days when the kids are crying and screaming, and I just wish the time would pass, to notice the kid that is bringing so much joy to the house. I guess what i am trying to say, and to remember, is to live in every moment, to enjoy every thing we have been given, that in life the good always out ways the bad, and sometimes there has to be bad, to see the good. To really understand the good to come, to enjoy what we have been given, not what we use to have, or what we haven't received, and to focus on that so we don't miss out on all that God has to offer us. I don't want to be given so much, that I can't give myself to it all. I want to remember, that there is so much joy in a 9 year old, who is learning life's greatest mysteries. To have the time to build a strong relationship, for him to know we enjoy who he is now and who he is to come. I want to savor the precious gift of my 8 year old, who entered into my life needing me so much, to hopefully knowing a part of her will always need me to be that mother, the advise giver, her friend, that when she looks at her life, I pray that I didn't fail her, that I was there when she needed me, but that I let her grow idependently making mistakes and growing from those mistakes. I want my goofy 5 year old to always have that joy, he has given to our lives, that i can answer all his questions and have the time to explore the possibilities of this life. To live this life, always asking, always learning with him, to be apart of molding who he is, to stepping back and allowing him to take the tools and begin shaping his own life, with a confidence that we instilled in him. I want to live in this time, when a 3 year olds stubborness can bring me to my greatest frustations, to giving me my greatest laughs. I want to see these characteristics he has blossom into a strong, confident man. I want to remember and cherish the sweetest 1 year old little monkey, to enjoy the new words, the new discoveries, new frustrations, new accomplishments, to see her grow and say that with confidence I took the time to enjoy every moment I have been given, and in those moments when joy couldn't be found, I still stopped and remember that good is always around. I want to stop living my life on repeat, and press play, and begin to really enjoy this moment, not yesterdays time. I'm thankful for that dream, yes I wish I could experiance one of life greatest gifts again, but I'm so thankful that everything we are given is a part of God's great gifts to us all.

getting my attention

I read that God knows exactly how many times it takes to get your attention, it may take Him 103 times, but whatever it takes He will keep going because He knows on the 103rd time it is going to work. So today I believe I needed another attention grabber, no my dream hasn't come true yet, but I know I'm traveling on the road that is leading me to my biggest hearts desire. Sometimes I don't know, and I question God and ask to once again remind me, that I'm right (as in not wrong) before Him to hold on to this desire. After much prayer, I believe He reminded me again. I hate that I always have to ask, that I doubt, but thankfully we have a loving God, that gently reminds us that He is in control and He will give us our greatest hearts desires. I know the enemy is constantly coming against me, telling me lies about how I don't deserve this or I'm asking to much, and as these doubts came once again, His word, spoke louder! In Matthew 7:9 He reminds us of His love for us when He says "if your children ask for bread, which of you would give them a stone? Or if your children ask for a fish, which of you would give them a snake? Even though you are bad, you know how to give good gifts to your children. How much more your Heavenly Father will give good things to those who ask Him" I love these words, it was a great attention grabber, although not the one I spoke of earlier, just another one, getting me closer to dream. I am so thankful, we have a loving father, I know as a mother, I would give my children anything I possibly could, to show them how much i love them. So how much greater God wants to give us. I know also that God doesn't just hand things to us, just as parents we allow our kids to learn through life experiences and to work for what they want in life, I believe God does the same. He gives us these desires, to become all that He has made us to be, to lean on Him, and grow to be all that He knows we can be.

NO WORDS

emotions, the good ones

I'm having a sensitive morning, the kind when tears are about to burst, but it's a good emotion. The kind when I cry because I feel so blessed, so lucky, so loved. I just love my husband and kids. I love my life, yes I have aches, and pains, of people I miss, or would love to be closer to. But for right now, my plate is full, and it's filled with all my favorite things, so why add something that I wouldn't want at this moment, something that just wouldn't go at this point of my meal so to say. Sorry I got off track for a moment, I tend to do that, have you met me? Back to my emotions, the good ones, before I bring up the bad ones, and this post goes a completely different way. So I'm having a sensitive morning, it all started when Brennan, my 9 year old, was crying at the breakfast table, he was having a bad emotional morning, anyways, all I wanted to do was take his tears away, fill it with the joy, that I feel for this boy. I hugged him, and he hugged me back, with one of those perfect hugs,where he melted into my arms, the kind that he needed so badly, and so did I. The hug said, he still needed me, he needed my love, he needed to know he was safe and loved. I don't know if you have a 9 year old boy, but sometimes a hug feels more like, "o.k. mom, let me go now" but not this morning, it was genuine, it was perfect. And as I released him, I knew that I was so honored to be his mother, he really is one of the sweetest kids you will ever meet, he cares for others, and he is so good. words can't explain. I think Anna said them perfectly the other night about him, I wish i could have wrote it down. Leighton was on cue this morning, she's usually a little harder to get going in the morning, we have to give her a lot of nudges, and reminders to keep her moving, but I watched her this morning and realized how much she's growing and turning into a young lady, so sweet, so beautiful (have you seen her?) so caring, she's such a blessing, which to be honest at one point in my life about the terrible two's I never would have thought she would turn out as good as she has. Which she reminded me the other day, just ask Tori, but that she has learned so much self control, and independence is amazing. Benji said he wanted to play me a song this morning, I held back the tears for this one, I didn't want him to think I was crazy, it was a good song, but more that the song meant something to him, and I saw such a sensitive side in him, and I could feel his love for his daughter, and God, was a gift. I love those moments when a husband opens up to you, but has no idea that he just did, that a song effected him so that he had to play it for me, and then he told me his favorite line, it really touched me. Then I got to play him a song, the words were, "I'm so lucky to be in love with my best friend" they were so true, and I know we could sing them to each other, but don't worry we didn't we just had one of those quiet connecting moments, that I treasure, that speak so much louder than words. Right after that Cohen, my 3 year old, all boy, came up and kissed me, with out me asking and said I like you so much, I don't know why, but like is stronger than love for that boy, so when he says like, it really means something strong. I love those kind of kisses, the ones where they initiate them, so you know that his brain had to be thinking something sweet about me to prompt him to do so. It was a kiss, that said so much, his little hand on my face, pulling me in, I don't know if there is anything sweeter, then that. Ashlyn is giving me a great gift, she is still sleeping in, so I know she is going to wake up happy, and that I'm already in a good mood, I think we may have a few emotional moments today, I'm excited for her to wake up, for us to begin our day, I wish i could remember every sweet moment, every thought, every hug, every kiss. Hayden is becoming the big brother, he's the middle child, two above him, and two below, but watching him grow and become more independent, and caring is such a treasure. He brings so much joy and happiness, he used to be such a mama's boy, staying by my side, just to cuddle, and each day I'm reminding him more to cuddle with me, but on those rare days, he climbs up and just lets me hold him, I'm hoping for one of those days today. A day full of emotion, of love, and of these great moments. I hope the rest of my life I take the time to see the gifts, in what I have been giving, in the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days, and the rest of my years. Years to come, years to grow, years to remember. I love my life.

unspoken

A quiet hurt is inside of me, trying to find it's way out. An unspoken cry I hold in for the sake of keeping you safe. Safe from hurt, safe from pain. I love you, like I've loved no other, I've poured the very depths of me into you, my mind is always full of you, dreaming, loving, and hungering, for you, for us to become what my mind pictures us to be. Sometimes I wonder if I'm more in love with the idea, than the truth. Or is the truth, that really keeps me in love, and the idea, that's making me hurt? I hope and pray, that you would get me, that you would love me the way I hunger you to do so. After time and time again, I question, what have I done wrong? Are my expectations to high, but then when I lower them, and they still go unmet, It makes that quiet unspoken hurt rise again. The hurt that I tell myself to let go, I say it's unjustified, so I let it go, I toss it aside, but somehow it creeps slowly back in waiting for the moment where I will open the door to it, and enjoy it's company, until I realize once again, it's stealing the very person I claim to be. It comes on these moments, when I expect you to be something you have never claimed to be, but I have hoped you would become. I know I need to let go, to release, but I like the idea of being an object of your greatest need and desire. Although I understand, I can never be that, I can only be what I am here to be, your greatest support. I love you and I want you to succeed, to succeed at being what you are to me, so I quiet this hurt, so you will not fail me, so you will not let me down. I'm removing this focus from myself, instead I'm putting it on you, to support, to help with your unspoken pain, to encourage, to meet your needs, to do what He has called me to do, Love you.

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag
and it is not proud. Love is not rude, is not selfish, and does not
get upset with others. Love does not count
up wrongs that have been done. Love is not happy with evil
but happy with the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always
trusts, always hopes and always remains strong. Love never ends."
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

I believe a little..help me believe more

I believe a little...help me believe more, is a prayer that was in a devotional I read this morning, I love that it didn't say, Believe More, Ye of little faith! It encouraged me to be open and honest in my heart, asking God to help me believe more. I often do think if I would have just believed more, I would have the things I long after so bad, my son wouldn't be struggling with his health issues, but I know the only way to believe more, is through Jesus helping me to do so. It's like in another book I read, when the guy tried to walk on the water, and Jesus says it might be a little easier with His help.(The Shack..which if you haven't read it, go out and get it right now!!) Often I do try to believe, and hope by my own means, but I can't do it with complete truth or hope with out Him. Everything is through and by Him.

I do need His help to believe more, I wonder why it is so easy for me to believe in other dreams, It's like with all my heart I know they will get their greatest hearts desires. I watched that friend get her house, in His perfect way. I believed it for her, knowing with all my heart that she would get it with his full blessing. I watched a friend, who wanted a baby so bad, I stood and believed that when they decided to adopt, that in all my heart God started preparing that little baby for them, and I remember thinking they would get it that baby so fast, that only He would get the glory, that by Him, it had to be true, sure enough they have that little boy. I've watched another friend who wanted another baby, and believed with all my heart that God would give them their greatest hearts desire, even when they doubted, I never did. And God didn't just give them one baby they are having two, and to me this is just God showing them, I give you your greatest desire, and I give you even more! I believe with all my heart that another dearest friend, will have her hopes and dreams come true, I believe that this is her year, and that I will stand and be apart of her greatest day!! I believe with all my heart that another great friend, will achieve her biggest goal, with His help, and His strength. I believe that another, will stand in full victory with her husband by her side, sharing their testimony to so many, and help and change so many lives for His greater good. I just don't know why I can believe all of this for them, with no doubt, why can't I believe it for myself. I know God wants me to have my greatest hearts desire, but I also doubt that maybe I'm wrong, maybe this is just something I want for myself, and I'm missing what God truly wants for me. I can see that all my friends who I love, deserve this, but I by into the lies that I do not, that I've heard wrong, that other people are so deserving, that I should just be content with what I have.

Maybe God is getting ready to do something big, I am hoping!! And that is why, my dreams, and desires are so strong, and are getting attacked so much. I don't know, I just wish it would be clear, to me right now. I understand God doesn't work that way, He waits, for His perfect timing, no earlier, no later. I know that what I really need to do it trust no matter what He has for me, It will be the best for me, and to put my hope and trust in Him, and stop worrying about the other stuff. But what do you do if, your greatest desire, you believe a little is from Him, but your not so sure. I guess for right now, I'm just going to ask Him to help me believe more.

A new way of thinking

Today at church, we sang this song, and the words were I will bless you, Lord. As I sang the words, I had to repent and change my way of thinking. I always say how God has blessed me so, and how much I feel blessed, but I never really thought about blessing God. As I sang the song, I quietly asked in my heart, How can I bless you Lord? He blesses me so much, and it feels so good, I wonder how much He would enjoy being blessed by me. I started thinking how have I been living my life, does it bless Him. Do I live out my life to bless Him? I'm sure somethings I do, bless Him, but I wasn't trying to bless Him, but I want to know what I can do to try to bless Him, and think everyday what can I do today...to bless You, Lord. To really change my way of thinking, stop focusing on how He can bless me, and live my life to bless Him. I mean I bless other people, why not Him, I take the time to learn what my family and friends need to bless them at a time they need it, why shouldn't I take the time to bless God. I know He doesn't need anything, but I'm sure He wants it, just like He wants our love. God is love, yet He still wants out love, so why wouldn't the one that blesses, not want to be blessed. I'm actually a little excited to try to figure out ways to bless Him, to try to learn what I could do, not because I have to, but because I want to. I want to sing those words with full confidence behind them, I will bless you, Lord.

The longest day ever

I keep looking at the clock, hoping that it will tell me something different, the time it actually feels. I'm having one of those long, slowly going by kind of days. I look at the clock and it only says 4:00 I feel like it should be 8 or 9 pm, and I should be getting the kids ready for bed, It feel like my husband should be just walking in the door to give me one of those hugs I need so bad today. It was beautiful out today, I should have taken the kids out, but the mud on the ground made for a bigger problem, and way more work then I needed today. I having one of those days, where if I'm not careful I could get into trouble with my thoughts. so instead I come here, in hopes that I can express something, and leave feeling I passed some time. I started to get dinner ready, but we usually don't eat this early so once again, the time is creeping by. I don't think my kids have stopped crying or fighting today, and I feel that I am going to lose my mind. I have had back talk in my house, and have heard hurtful sharp words come out of my kids mouths, and have wondered where did I go wrong, and in all this feel overwhelmed at the task of head of correcting there behavior, with out losing my temper, or emotions. Ashlyn has been wanting to potty train herself, insisting that she stand like a boy, ending up peeing on my floor. Cohen has been crying that Hayden stole his car, while the sound of cars being pushed up and down the hallway seems like nails on the chalkboard at the moment. Leighton has been getting hurt all day, it feels like every minute I turn around something tragic has happen to her. Brennan is upset with me, because I wouldn't let him go to his friends house that I don't know or trust his parents, so instead I let him have his cousin Noah over, which just happens to be the loudest child on earth. So yes I have a very loud and full house tonight, and all i want to do is get in my car and go to a quiet bookstore, but Benji won't be home till later tonight. I can't wait for church in the morning where for a brief time, I get to give my children to others to watch, and have some time to worship and hopefully recieve a message to give me some strengths that I need so badly right now. But if I focus on tomorrow, today is going to go so much slower, so instead I'm going to walk away, pick up that child that is crying right by my side, go tell those kids to settle down, and get ready to cook dinner, now that I wasted a few more moments in the longest day ever.

This morning Ashlyn wanted to get on the potty, she pulled down her pants herself, put the seat on the toilet and started to try to get on herself. She couldn't do it all herself, so I helped her take off the diaper, and put her on the toilet, which she sat on for 15 minutes, trying her hardest to go. I'm not beginning to potty train her, she's only 20 months old, she just wanted to do this all on her own. She never went, this isn't one of those "brag" moments about potty training, It more about the amazement of this little girl, the wonders of who she is. That she is a girl, and before her I have 2 boys, another girl, and a boy. My other daughter was never as determined to be this independent, or determined to keep up with her older brother. If anything Leighton (now 7) has always held on to staying my baby, while my baby seems to be determined to be my big girl. I'm just amazed at the difference between boys and girls, but also the difference between each of my children. Ashlyn is know as our little monkey, because she never stops climbing on things, and trying new things, she's always tried to keep up with the other children, and do things she's not "age appropriate" for yet. She is such a perfect mixture of all the kids it just amazes me, it's as if from the moment she was born she start taking a little from each of the my kids. She has Brennan's determination, Leighton's girly side and sensitivity, Hayden's goofyness and joy, and Cohen's stubbornness. I'm just in a little shock at how fast they all grow, that my baby is already becoming a big girl, and my oldest is 9, that the past 9 years have been the happiest times of my life, I can't wait for what else is in store. I love, love, love the baby years, but I am looking forward to growing with my kids, as they grow and learn, I pray that I will grow and learn through each of them how to be a better mother, and learn to be more like them, and enjoy these times. Enjoy the moment of taking a little girl, who is clearly not ready to potty train, and just wants to sit on the potty, while a little part of me knows this is a waste of time in the sense that she is not going to go, but everything in me knows that there is no such thing as a waste of time, when it comes to being with your kids, when it comes to encouraging your kids to do what you know they will be able to do one day, no matter how small the task may be. To speak already, I believe in you, or I'm here no matter what you need, yes I have a million other things I could be doing, but you are more important. I hope I will remember these words, I know sometimes I won't, I am human after all, but I pray that I would remember that as a mother, everything I do counts to these little hearts. I love them so much, and I feel so, so blessed.

organized mess

I have tried to be more scheduled, tried and tried and tried, but have failed over and over again. It's funny I'm organized in so many ways, but when it comes to routine I just can't keep one. My husband grew up in a family that was so routine and scheduled down to laundry was done on a certain day, and they had a meal plan for each week. The house flowed from week to week, always knowing what to expect. I've tried recreating that, so my family would always have thier laundry on the days they need it, because normally we are drying something and waiting for it to get done on those early church mornings. We never have socks, so I have tried to do laundry on tuesdays and saturdays, but it's wednesday and the laundry is not done. I've thought about mopping on saturdays, but that only happens, we'll I'm not even going to share. I have tried to become this "model" housewife, always having a clean house, in order and under control. Well I'm throwing in the towel, I've realized it's just not me. I can't stick to a routine, I can't have the same thing happening over and over again, just for the sake of order. It takes away from who I am, the creative and spontaneous part of me. The part that changes when it's time to change, and see's what we really need at that moment, yes my laundry needs to be done, but that kid that is hanging on my leg, needs me more. My mother in law, I have always admired how she ran her house, her kids always taking care of, laundry done, food prepared, but shes always had to make everything equal, each kid getting exactly the same amount or gifts on special occasions, that was her routine. I can't be that, I love to give, to take my kids out on special days, to find that perfect gift at the perfect time, I don't keep track of who I got what, I keep track of who needs what at what time. This is how I run my house, I take care of it in the same way, when the dishes need to be done, and might be overflowing, I take care of them, when my husband is running low on underwear, I'll get on his laundry, yes it's not always there waiting for him, but it there when he might least expect it. I've decided to embrace who I am, and stop trying to be something I am not. I love doing things my way, to love my way, to give my way..so why do I keep trying to be who I am not? I'm giving up on routine, and just going with the flow, I think that way I might get the focus off of doing things in order, and see what really needs to be taken care of..my family. And by just being me, I will proud of who I am, instead of always feeling like a failure, because I will fail being someone else, but I will always succeed being me.

Thankful

When I awoke this morning and realized I didn't have to go anywhere but home today, I thanked God. When my husband walked the kids down to the bus stop and I didn't have to get all bundled up, I thanked God, for my wonderful husband. When Benji was playing with them on the bed before he left for work, and laughter was filling my house, I thanked God, for a husband that is the best father, and that we have so much joy in my house. As Benji walked out the door and gave me a kiss goodbye, and I get to stay at home everyday with my little ones, I thanked God for my husband once again for being a great provider. As I went to clean up my kitchen from last nights get together, I was overwhelmed with emotion. One that I was thankful to God that I have this house, and I actually was enjoying cleaning it lately, But mostly thankful for the people that were here last night, so thankful that God had put each of them in my life, all fulfilling something I've needed. And that the one we celebrated, was so happy and I would do anything to keep her that way. I thanked God that she felt the love we all had for her, and that He gave us her to do all that for.As I go back in my head from last night and see all the faces in the room, and I recall all He has done for each of them, and all I know He is going to do, I see His glory through them all. Even as I cleaned up the cherry pie, and my kids were begging to have them for breakfast,that apart of my friend is rubbing off on my kids, I realized more how truly blessed I am, I just can't believe God loves me this much. I know He meant for us to enjoy this life, I'm just so glad He has made it so easy for me to do so. As I sit here and type these words, and I'm drinking coffee, I thank God, I don't know if I could make it with out it! I have so much to be thankful for, it's only 9:26 in the morning, and I've already been given so much today.. I can't wait to see how many more gifts are in today. God you are so good, and if I've failed to tell you lately, I'm so sorry, but thank you for being who you are. And help me see You in everything, all your goodness. I love you.

One Day

One day I'll be secure. One day when I make a decision I won't second guess it. One day I'll stop pleasing others before pleasing myself. One day I'll say what I really think. One day, I'll be who I am in front of anyone. One day I'll dance when i want to, no matter who is watching. One day, I will live for my dreams, with no fear behind them. One day, I'll take the risk of putting my whole heart out there, no matter what the cost. One day I'll put that swimming suit on, no matter who's around. One day I'll go to the store with no make-up on and still feel pretty. One day I'll get over the fact that I have stretch marks, and remember that the greatest gifts in my life gave them to me. One day I'll learn to love who I am. One day, I'll cry it out in church, and sing with all my heart, no matter who's around. One day, I'll get up in front of people, and speak what is in my heart to say. One day, I'll figure out that being me is the best thing in the world. One day, i'll love my sandpaper. One day, I'll go out of my comfort zone, and meet a lot of new people. One day, I'll keep my house in order. One day, I'll forget all my responsibilities and just enjoy those around me. One day, I'll except my body for what it is. One day i'll love those freckles on my face, because they make me who I am. One day, I won't care what people think of me. One day, I'll enjoy cooking every night for those I love. One day, I will just learn to be who I am, and except what I am not.

Boys

I remember when I got pregnant with my first child, not even being married 2 months and the shock of finding out I was pregnant, was a little overwhelming, but so exciting in a way. I guess I love surprises, even when they are a little scary. I convinced myself it was a girl, let the record state that every female in my family had a girl first, so I just assumed it would be the same for me. I was convinced that I didn't like boys, please remember I was only 19, boys were gross, they were loud, and wild. I thought of a girls as perfect, sweet, and well mannered, I learned this was not always the case...just a few years down the road. I remember going to the doctor prepared to hear that I was having a little girl, but my husband hoping for a boy, well as most know, my husband hopes came true. I was a little disappointed, I wanted a girl, I didn't understand boys, but thankfully in every situation, God knows better, I learned that no matter what I say I want, God knows what I need. I often wonder how I even had those feeling, that are so foreign to me now, like those thoughts were from another person. I still remember going to the store to pick out stuff, for my new baby, and always liking the girl stuff way more, but those feelings all went away when I held my perfect little boy and he looked perfect with all the boy stuff. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Today I sit here, thinking about that time, and thanking God once again, for doing things his way and not my own. I try to remember the little lesson in this, as I have been blessed with 3 boys, along with my 2 wonderful girls, and today i'm filled with joy as I think of my boys. Yes they are gross, loud, and wild, but they are also sweet, loving, and full of character. They love me, in a way, my girls can not, they are perfectly and wonderfully made, and they reveal more of God's character to me everyday. They make my life more adventurous and exciting, they can make me laugh so hard tears poor out of my eyes, they make me feel like a kid again, as we play fighting with swords, and hide and go seek. They help fulfill a part of me, that needs this so much. They enjoy simple things, they teach me to enjoy the moments, and that I can also make cool gun noises with my mouth.
I pray that as they grow, I would keep learning from them, and allow them to be all boy, and not try to tame them as the world we live in does so often. I hope that in all things, I will always remember that God made them different than I am made, but it's a part of who He is, and to treasure this gift to better understand His character. I pray that I would always remember, the lesson, I have been given, in knowing that God always knows better than we do, and that I would thank Him for all I have been given.

Yesterday was a gift. I realized I have so many wonderful things surrounding my life. My day was full of perfection. My husband, I found out, does really think of me, even when my head will tell me different, he just doesn't work the way I want him to, but way better. I realized if all things work the way I wanted or dreamt about I would be the one in charge of my life, and I am not. God is, and He does things greater than I could ever do myself. He meets me at just the right times, and surprises me with gifts, whether in words, things, or people. My life just feels so complete, and I am so thankful. I'm beginning to realize, that God really is all good, and He can't be anything else. He loves and everything He does is in love, we however are the ones that change that. I am just so thankful for all of those in my lives, the ones that make my life complete, and help fill it to be what I really need. I hope all who read this, and know me, know I'm talking about you! I know that God has called us to live in the present, to live out each day, because He's in today! I have really opened my eyes and heart to God's true character, and have begun to truly allow Him to love me, and be who He says He is, not who I say or the world says He is. It's amazing when I do this, how much more real everything is. How I'm in complete awe of Him. I just know today is another great gift He has for me.

I've missed you

I was just about to start reading a new book, when I stopped to talk to God. I just looked out the window, and uttered the words I miss you, because I've felt so far away, like we haven't been communicating right, or I went on a trip and now I'm back. As I uttered the words I missed you, I felt as if the Lord said "yes you have." That was not what I thought I should here, I thought He would say He missed me too, so glad to have you back, like any other person would say, but I guess my little mind always forgets this is God! He doesn't miss anything. We often say those words,I've missed you with a different meaning behind it, as in I've longed for you, not really meaning MISS, as in didn't notice, didn't catch, fell short of receiving. But when I heard the words "yes you have" it hit me, I realized how much I did miss God, how much I didn't see, because I wasn't looking at what He was doing, always showing me Him, revealing me His love, longing for my attention. "yes you have" our words that have changed me, I missed Him in so many ways, when He was showing me His love for me, when I look outside and see the very works of His hands and I failed to thank Him for it. I have failed to see God, because I haven't been looking, I've been waiting, for Him to show up, but how can something show up that has never left. I often wonder when will I get it? When will I just hold on to what I know, instead of getting deceived by what I feel. It's disappointing how easily I can miss Him, but I'm so grateful how He will always let me see. I'm sorry I've missed the Lord lately, all that He has been doing for just me, I guess sometimes I forget to see Him in everything. In the yesterday of His creations, in the today of His makings, and in forever of what is to come. He is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He can not be missed.

Insecurities of the second-born are no match for Him

Insecurities, I hate the word, yet I feel it labels me. Sometimes I feel I'm the only one in the world who has them, when I watch people go for their dreams, or speak their mindes with full confidence behind them, I wonder why can't that be me. Why do I have to be my own worst enemy? Always second guessing everything, making things more difficult then need be. Wanting others to like me, wondering why some don't? It's hard being a second-born child, they say we go completely opposite of our first-born brother and sister, it's like we're always a reflection of someone else, we can't even be our own, yes as a second child I would say that, we struggle with the what about me's, why did I go unnoticed or over looked for the job. Constantly wondering "what's wrong with me?" When you can be the most faithful one in your family, or a group of friends, but the louder one, or more "qualified one" gets noticed. We don't take credit when it's ours to claim. We "people please", usually at the cost of our own feelings. It's not easy being the second born, I often wonder what does that say about me, why did God put me in that place, the bible says His timing is perfect. So my position in life is just as He wanted. I guess He knew I could handle it, that I would love no matter what, that I would give even when I constantly get taken from, and I guess the down-side is the cost of sin. I hate that I have these feelings, that they are apart of me, but I'm real, this is real. My insecurities are not who I am, but they tend to take over sometime. I want so much more for myself, to be more, to know more, to accomplish more, to better at what I set out to do, but I tend to hold myself back, not knowing why, not even fully understanding what I really want, just more. To really feel content with who I am, even what I think are my bad traits, to see the good in them. I need to get a grip on why I am the way that I am, what use could I be? To see that being me, even with all my faults, can be made completely perfect by Him. It's amazing how quickly even by writing this all out, His peace has already come, letting me know, by Him and through Him, all things were made, and by Him and through Him nothing is impossible, and by Him and through Him, I am who He says I am. And to know my true reflection is of Him. I love even as I sit here and type these words on this page, His words have become louder, have spoken clearer and have already begin to change me. He's letting me see, that in everything He cares, and He hears, and He always gives us what we need.

for these moments

I feel like me again, it's about time. I found new hope and inspirations, let go of things I couldn't change, stopped, set aside dreams and ideas that were no longer mine to hold on to, went to God and surrendered it all, something that I needed to do, but didn't for words I can't explain, not out of rebellion, I don't think He asked me to yet, waiting like He perfectly does to reveal why I'm not moving, why I felt so lonely, why I was hurting. I have a new found hope, it's simple really, just enjoy the moments I have been given. I'm a big dreamer, always wanting more, new exciting things, that sometimes the people, and things in my life get neglected for these dreams that I hold on to. As this holiday season has come to an end, and a new year, my life has slowed, giving me the time, to stop and think about the things I need to change, and the things I need to live for. As I stopped to just enjoy my house, locking my self in for days and days, I realized inside my house is where I belong, yes I still need my friends and family, they are all apart, but when I was watching my daughter reading to my youngest child, and a tear crept down my face, this was a moment I realized I lived for. As my son, Cohen, has been batteling bathroom issues, and a bribe ended up being the right motivation, as he claimed his prize and walked through our door and my heart could have exploded, seeing this child happy to me is another moment I live for. My kids laughing, playing, learning and growing are my greatest joys. Even making stew for my husband, the newest attempt in my low cooking abilities, ended up being a gift to me. I never knew there was so much satisfaction in cooking for him, but when he tasted it, and said, oh my..that is good! It was this moment that I knew I live for taking care of him, and giving of myself so that I could always see that joy in him. My new years and lifes resolution is to live for these moments, speak for these moments, play for these moments, hope for these moments, give for these moments, pray for these moments... I changed my blog title "for these moments." It's these moments that I love and want to hold on to, that even made me realize how much I love photography, and will be taking classes to grow and learn in one of my greatest passions I have. I'm going to live for what I have, and what God has in store for me. I'm going to capture every moment I can while I'm here on this earth and imprint it on my heart. To find the gifts in every moment that I can, and to take the time to slow down, and be who I was created to be.

Breakdown

I keep thinking I need to have a break down, but it won't come. So what if it didn't? what good would it do anyways? Would it make me stronger, no, would it make me feel better, maybe for a minute, but I don't need a break down, I think I need a fix-up. When something isn't working the way it should, we don't hope it breaks down, we do what we can to fix it. We find the tools or we call on a someone for help. I need to be fixed up, not broken down, it's easier to break down, to just give up and let what ever it is, ...win. I guess I'm in need of the right tools, or good support. I've always been the strong one, the one others lean on, but I can't be that right now, I've been letting myself get broken down, it's time for some fine tuning, to deal with real issues, to let go, to dream, and really hope. To stay and not run...to be me and not hide. I'm always afraid people won't like me when I'm weak, it's not who I am, but I've lost that somewhere along the way, I lost the part of me, or maybe I gave it away, but I'm going to find it again, claim what is rightfully mine. I will not become these labels I have stamped upon myself, I will allow Him to speak who I am. I will believe...again. I can't be it all, I keep failing, trying, so I give up, I think if I can't be the best wife, I don't want to try, God knows I've failed to many times. I can't be the best mom, so I become half of what I should be, I can't be the best daughter, so I won't, I can't be the best sister, so I let go, I can' t keep trying to be the best friend, so I'll let someone else have it, someone who would be better. I can't be the best Christian, some days it seems like to much work, and I don't want more work, I just want Him, I don't want more advise... it only makes me feel more like a failure. I just want to know and to really realize that I don't have to be my best, I just have to be me, the real me, the one He says I am. I just want to be fun again, to laugh and enjoy every gift I have been given. To not put so much pressure on myself, and when I fail, to get back up , try better next time, to learn from my mistakes, and laugh at myself a little more. I only can do so much, but He can do it all.