A Loss

A friend from my past asked to be my friend on facebook today, and a flood of memories came back, and pain followed. A time of my life, that I was never allowed to fully deal with or heal, came back today. I didn't even realize how much everything still affects me, until I lost myself in another world. As I looked at her life, and her kids, I wondered how it would be if our kids played together, if our families were close. If her church was still my church, and all the friends that I lost would still be mine, if I had been given the choice. If I would have the insecurities I have today, if a certain situation would not have happened. If I would have a real sense of belonging, instead of feeling like I was thrown in a world, that I really didn't belong, or sometimes understand. A world that I have grown to know and love as my own, but would it still be mine if I wasn't pulled away from it, or ashamed to enter back into. A world I ran from, so that I wouldn't have to deal with the looks and the questions, of being that family. Would God have allowed another way to still bring me to where I am today? Is this all apart of making me who I am? I wonder sometimes if I still have this sense of yearning, because I haven't fully let go. I never was given the choice, and for that I am saddened, I had to let go, and walk into a whole new place..... I love where I am, I sometimes just wish, I got here on other terms, and for those who don't understand, be thankful. I wish I could write out the details of the situation, but I've let the details go along time ago, I forgiven those who needed to be forgiven, and don't feel I need to express them. It's just the choices of others, still effect my life today, and just when I don't remember or think about them, they find away of entering my new life today.

unknown times

There is nothing harder as a wife, then to see your husband weak. To see pressure, and a look of hopelessness. To know that it is out of your hands, and you can't do anything about it. To hope and pray that he would know to place it in God's, this is easy to a women, but harder to a man.

My husband, the love of my life, is a hard worker, since we were dating, he has nothing but supply everything I have ever needed with the works of his hands. He enjoys working and seeing the benefits of the fruit of his labor. He's thrown papers his entire a life, a hard job, a good job, and he was good, to some it may not seem like anything, but to him it was everything, he was the fastest around, people would comment on him when he was at work, he found pleasure in it. I think out of all the things he has done, he has known this is what he was the best at. Men need that, to know they are good, and to be the best. Unfortunately, He lost half of his route, and it's not sure if he will lose the other half, due to uniting of newspapers. And, yes, we have lost a good amount of money coming in. Now we are faced with an obstacle, in this time of life, in our country, where jobs are limited, and with limited education, or job skills, my husband is feeling the pressure. I wish I could find him the perfect job, the right amount of money, but I can't, but I know God can. I wish I could tell people, it's my husband you need, he's loyal, a hard worker, he'll do right by you, he's smart, he's gifted, he'll give his all to you, just pick him for the job. I'm just believing God will speak all that.

When he came home from work the other day, and I could see that he looked defeated, I prayed, and I remember in Cinderella Man, when she told her husband that he was the "champion of her heart", I wanted to say those words to Benji, but I think he would of laughed and not took me seriously. So I listened to his concerns, and the whole time I was thinking, God IS Bigger, and I quietly asked God what to say. And the only thing I needed to say, was I believe in him, I know he can find a way. I know what he's capable of, well make it, we will, I believe were going to make it better this time. I'm not going to keep asking my husband what he's going to do, I'm sure that question is playing over and over again in his head, instead in every way of everyday, I will let him know I believe in him, however that comes through, in words or actions. In fact that is all I had to say, and he began looking hopeful again, he had ideas, and plans, and I'm just trusting that they are from God.

I will not worry, God is in control, and He has placed my husband as leader and provider over our house, I know that through Him, Benji will become what God has truly designed him for.
I am so thankful for Benji, I know that if we lost everything, but still had each other, our kids, and our health, there is nothing greater than that. So thank you Lord, for all we have, in your hands it stays, to protect, to guide, and tend to.

Thanks

I just got done reading when Jesus fed the five thousand, and something new was revealed to me. Something that right now, in my life, I needed to understand in a new way. As the people around him were getting hungry, and they didn't have enough, only 5 loaves and 2 little fish, and Phillip was already getting nervous, saying how they would have to work for a month to feed all these people, and only just a little. I understand Phillip, I know many times, before I even bring it to God, I am already thinking about the impossible. I begin to worry, and try to figure out how I can make this happen, but it always becomes way to overwhelming. But Jesus began instructing them. The first instruction Jesus gave the people was to sit down. Not to start planning, but just to sit down, as I read that I just began to think that Jesus was telling, don't worry, rest, have peace, know that God will come through. It's not for you to worry about. Then He took the 5 loaves and 2 little fish and thanked God for them, He could of skipped over this part and just asked, and I do believe God would still have come through, but Jesus knew better, He knew God, He thanked Him for what they already had. Yes 5 loaves and 2 fish were not enough for all those people, but He knew what God was capable of, what God could do with little. That God wasn't going to let His people go without. And that God was the one who made the fish, and all the ingredients in the loaves of bread to begin with, and if He could create them, He could also supply them, but first, Jesus thanked Him. He thanked God for what He had already given, and what God was going to do next. I'm sure there was a lot Jesus was thanking Him for in that brief moment, because just like Jesus, we have a lot to be thankful for, even in times of our greatest needs.

When the weight of the world came beating down,

Your peace came

When fear tried to creep in,

Your words spoke louder

When the impossible came knocking at our door

Your promise stood strong

When tears took over

Hope showed up

When I began to doubt

Your love surrounded

When things started looking worse

Your Goodness overflowed

When I felt weak

You made me strong




In all things I will Give Thanks!

Sisters are forever friends

I just got done reading a saying "Sisters are forever friends." And it reminded me of a conversation I had with you, when you were wanting a "real" friend. When I read that, it brought tears to my eyes, because of the truth, but also of regret. I sometimes forget that with sisters and family they will always be there, we have a tie and a bond, that no friend could even begin to understand, but it gets taken for granted, and even sometimes forgotten. I can't take back that I wasn't the best of friend, but I can begin to plant the seed, and begin taking care of it, and doing all that I can to insure it grows to what it should be. I can also stand in hope with you for that real friend, the one who thinks of you first and not an after thought, the one who holds you to the real treasure you are, the way I see you. I can also say with my whole heart, that you never are forgotten, I know how much you care, and you give of yourself, sometimes so much, that you get taken advantage of. I'm going to begin praying that you will get an over pouring blessings from those around you, and you will always know that people see all the things you do, not for your own credit, but because you genuinely care. I know how you put your heart into everything you do, how you love with no conditions, how you give with no attachments, in everything you do you shine, and you give it your best. You amaze me, and teach me, you show me God's giving love. I'm proud of you, I'm so very thankful for you as a sister, as a friend. I can say that God has good things for you, he always sees the heart, when others fail to see, he does, He doesn't forget or pass you by, He's waiting to give you the greatest gifts you will ever receive.
He sees when you stayed, when you loved, and when you gave, even when we have missed it. I may not see everything, but I see who you are, a good daughter, a good wife, a great sister, and a true friend, and I love you so much, Katie. People are so blessed to have you in their lives, and I just pray that you begin to really see that. Not by just words, but by actions.

I hung you on my tree this year, remembering you from last Christmas. You have so much meaning and so many memories, that I hold closest to my heart. A gift you entered into my life, and a treasure you will always remain. I hear laughter when I look at you, and long talks on the phone. When I read you words "hope," I'm reminded of encouraging words. I know your just an ornament, but you represent so much more. A tear shed, a hug when needed, just the right words, or the hard words I needed to hear most, a genuine heart, a giver, an encourager, a good listener, a support team, an inside joke, a blessing, and most importantly my dearest friend. You hold memories, and the "hope" of more to come. Every year as I hang you on my tree, I'll always remember your one of the greatest gifts I've ever received, because you represent the greatest and most treasured friendship God has ever brought into my life.

It's just a computer, but with it my heart is attached. I love taking pictures, love isn't even the best word to describe it. It's my true passion, really if I could do one thing I would live for taking pictures. They hold my memories, and capture my greatest moments, not the ones where you stand in line, wait, and your kids pose in some outfit, they wouldn't normally wear. I'm talking about those rare moments, the one's that hold your heart. I have a great camera, which I'm brought to tears just for the sake that I own this and it was a gift, the greatest gift, material gift, I have ever received. It was a gift from God, through a faithful servant. I should just stop this blog now for the sake of not sounding greatful, I truly am, it's just with great pictures, anyone knows now a days you need a good computer to upload, edit, and enhance your photo's which I love as much as taking them. I love to spend time adjusting things, cropping to make my pictures into something great, but my computer is failing me. I want everyone to see the pictures I have taken, but my computer doesn't seem to like this idea. I try almost everyday, but it refuses to work for me, everything else works great except when it comes to pictures. I guess I'm just frustrated, I guess that's what I get for relying on technology and money!! I just want a right attitude, and right now I am failing. I want to scream that I can't do what I want to do, maybe there is a lesson in all this, maybe that will be my next blog.... "When you have the greatest gift and you can't use it to it's fullest", hey I may be on to something here!

Good Company

Last night was a well needed night, it was a reminder, that this life is meant to be spent in good company. Which pretty much became my motto last night, when I would catch myself wondering if I had the freedom to speak what was really on my mind, or saw hesitation in someone else to say what was on there's, I would say it's o.k, were in good company. I love when I get around people and if I want I can speak my heart and talk about God and I have the freedom to do so, but I also have the freedom to say anything else. I can be real, and I don't wonder if they are going to like me the next day. I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to be anything, but who I am. It's a wonderful feeling, refreshing. I think as Christians we live our life knowing we have freedom, but rarely actually feeling free. We are afraid to let our guards down, in fear of getting pre-judged. I just think every know and again, we need to be in good company to remember it's o.k. to be who we are, and know that those around you with all your faults, and strengths, they see them all and still love who you are. I think we need to live our lives in good company.

My Place

I've been acting like the master, when I am only the servant. I've been walking around in my masters house waiting and expecting him to serve me. Using all the things he has given me, and still expecting him to serve me. When I have been doing right by him, and doing all he asks me to do, I come in waiting for my reward, and all of his praise. I walk around thinking I deserve more than what I have been given. I'm waiting for him to say come enjoy this feast, after a long days work of doing all I have asked of you, but I've been waiting for something that will not happen. I've been getting upset, that my work has gone with out praise, with out a reward.

I simply forgot, when a servant comes in from doing all his master has asked him to do, he still serves his master. A servant is only doing all he has been asked to do. It is his job, as a servant to do as his master requests of him, but first and foremost, he is always to serve his master first, and when this is complete then he can sit enjoy what he has been given.

This servant will no longer forget her place, her job, and her duties. I will remember that my master always gets served first, and remember what He asks of me, is what I am always suppose to do. I have no right as a servant to demand or expect more, then what I have already been given. I have no right to sit and wait for my rewards, when I am simply doing what I have been asked. I know this is the mentality I am suppose to have everyday, but I also know my loving father, and I do know that all my obedience doesn't go unnoticed, and He is waiting to reward me, but I can't do things with a masters perspective, I must do all things with a servants perspective, I must follow the greatest servant of all, the one who served out of strength and not out of weakness, Jesus.

And They Lived.....

I've put myself on pause, I like the scene that was playing and wanted to keep it right where it was. I didn't want to know what was going to happen next, I wanted things to stay right as they were. I was afraid of what is to come, a change in the plot, I'm happy right where I am, I thought if I just pressed the pause button, everything would be good, I would just enjoy what was on the screen before me. I would have my dreams with out them being crushed, or even coming true, I didn't want to know, I liked just having them as a possibility, talking about them only as they are, a dream. An idea, a picture that has not been drawn, a script, with no actors. I like the scene I was in. I soon noticed just that, the one scene, I wasn't changing, I wasn't growing, I didn't have new exciting moments, I felt every time I looked at myself I was the same, yes I looked happy, but there was this deeper crying that there has to be more. So I've decided to press play, even though things may not go according to the way I hope and dream, even though I don't have the script in front of me to see what is going to happen next, He has it, He knows and I know I'll have moments of victories, with some moments of hurt along the way, but I know He is in control. I know He is writing the next pages of my life, it's just up to me to press play. So today I'm pressing play, no matter what happens, I'm going to live for the next scene, yet enjoying the scene I am in today. I realize I lost myself, because I wasn't living for what God had for me, I was holding on to what I wanted. I know in every great movie the main character always gets her happy ending, and I'm believing that God has already written my happy ending. I'm living for my .....Happily Ever After.

Sweet Talk

I'm sure some would argue, but I wouldn't dare try, I have the sweetest daughter in the whole world. At the age of 7 I think God has given her a heart just like his own. She says and does the sweetest things, cares about things so deeply, and loves in a way I can't even begin to understand. When she was between the ages of 2-4, I thought I had one of the hardest kids on my hands, what I thought were the things we needed to correct,were really the things we needed to learn from. Her emotions and her feelings, she would get so upset about the littlest things, little did I know then, her God-given heart was in those little things. She has a way of paying attention to the littlest details and really noticing others. I wish I could go back and stop trying to make her into this well behaved, perfect little girl, that I thought was my job to do, and do the real job God gave me, To figure out who God says she is, and how all her traits, are the greatest gifts from Him, and in all things use for His glory. I guess I just wish I tried to understand her more, instead of being so quick to tell her what to do. However I think they need to go hand in hand, both understanding and correction, because that it real love.

As we were sitting on the couch having one of our girl talks, which I love, I just never know what is going to come out of Leighton's mouth, but it's always something worth listening to. I love this time, I love having daughters, it's amazing seeing yourself in your little girls. Talking about things boys just don't get sometimes, or just don't care to talk about. We were talking about her future husband, and she was saying she is not going to kiss a boy until her wedding day, I had no arguments to this one! We were talking about how God already has her husband for her, and she just looked at me with her big brown eyes and she looked as though she was going to cry. Then she said I don't want to marry a boy, my thoughts went to well then what do you want to marry? I was a little scared of her answer, so I asked her why, and she said the sweetest thing, He'll make me love him more than daddy and you, I could not stop the tears, I just hugged her, I had no answer, I didn't need one, I knew that at this very moment her mind couldn't love anyone more than her daddy or me, and I was o.k. with that. I know some day, that boy will come along, and will capture her heart, but in those little words, I knew we still had it, and I am so thankful for it. I know that we will never be replaced, but I will keep those words close to her heart, and treasure every minute of who my daughter is.

Uncompleted

I must say I'm so sorry to You, the lessons You have laid out before me, are going uncompleted. In all Your wonderful ways, You have been trying to teach me, to prepare me, and I have been ignoring the lesson for reasons I can't explain. I know You have tests laid out before me, so I can grow, learn and become the person You created me to be. I keep asking You to show me who I really am, You know Lord with all you infinite wisdom, the best way I learn is by doing, by touching and experimenting. I've wanted the answer key, so I could just past the test, but You Lord, know that I need to truly understand, to grasp the lessons laid out before me, so that I can have full confidence in myself.

I wanted you to whisper the answers in my ear, give me all I needed to know, tell me who I am. I've been waiting for this, while all along, You were handing me lessons, so I would know for myself who I am. You know I need this, this is why You are the teacher, and I am the student.

I am going to complete the lessons, and start preparing for the test, so when things get thrown at me, I can stand with full confidence in who I am in You. I will no longer only repeat what I have heard, but speak what I believe and know with all my heart. I will be able to say, I went through that, that lesson was laid out before me, and this is what I have learned. I will be able to direct my achievements, and my greatest accomplishments, to the greatest teacher of all, You Lord.

Stop Missing Out

Something I am noticing lately is how much, we as Christians, miss God. I'm not talking about, the miss as in I miss you Lord, I'm talking about, just flat out miss Him. Not noticing all the wonderful things that He is doing for us. We get so caught up in our own lives, agenda's and needs, that we fail to see the works He is doing for us all along. God is trying to get our attention, when will we stop and take notice? I listen to others, their stories, their situations, and I want to scream, and say don't you see God in this.I'm not saying that I haven't been screamed at as well, it takes others to notice what I can not see. I'm talking about me as well. It's amazing how we can blame God for the bad, the why Lord, why did you let this happen, or beg for his help when we are at our lowest, but we forget to praise Him in the good. I'm not talking about the really good, extraordinary moments, because even those we are so quick to thank Him for, but just the day to day things that He has done for us. We are so quick to complain, that we don't have enough money, that we don't have everything we need, that we are just not happy with our lives right now, we are waiting for the big moments, the so called exciting times, that we miss right now. I'm taking a new challenge, and it's focusing on seeing God in everything. Trying to have an attitude of if this is all I ever have it's enough, because I know You, Lord, have given me everything I need for this very moment, but also having faith that when I need more, I won't even have to ask, because Your word says He gives us all we need. And that is a big thing, the bible says, What do you have that has not been given to you? So therefore He gives us all that we need. It's about trusting that when bad things come our way, God is trying to reveal or teach us something. He's trying to show us who we are in him, that nothing is impossible, or He could be trying to get our attention, so that we can have all He wants for us. Stop, think, and thank Him for all He is doing. Ask Him what He is doing in this very moment, is He making you a better wife, teaching you how to love your husband better, revealing the gift of who your husband really is, Is He making you a better mother, or showing you what a good mother you are? Is He making you a better daughter, stretching you to new lengths in really honoring you parents, Is he making you a better friend, giving you opportunities to love them, or help them, give an encouraging word, Or showing you what good friends He has given you? Is He trying to build your faith, and lean on Him, asking that you hand over the reins to Him, what circumstances does He have to allow so you will only have Him left to trust, because He knows you can't do it with out Him? What gifts is He given you, that you forgot to thank him for? What talents is He trying to show you? Did you ever stop to think that we go through things to be of use to others, to relate, to help, to show that God can do all things. Or that He is getting us to where we need to be, to get all the things He has stored up for us? We have got to stop missing God, I'm taking this challenge, to see God in everything, In my husband, in my kids, in my home, in my family, in my friends, in all his creation, in my circumstances, in my finances, in my hopes and dreams, in my future, and in every area of my life. I don't want to miss a single moment of who God is, and all the wonderful things He is doing, even though I know many times I will, God will hopefully use one of you, to reveal Himself to me! Then I wouldn't have missed God after all, how perfect He is.

We get what we give

If you want something to grow, to it's fullest and best ability you have to tend to it, and care for it. I have these hydrangeas in my front yard, that I planted 2 years ago, when I brought them home they were beautiful, I think they each had only one flower on them, but I was determined to see them grow more. So I carefully planted them, just in the perfect places around every other flowers I had planted. The hydrangeas were my favorite, I cared for them the most and wanted them to be my showcase. I remember that year falling in love with them, going out everyday and watering them, and picking off bad parts, doing all that I could to make them their best, I thought about them all the time. They grew double by the end of the summer, each of them had many flowers, I remember people coming over and complimenting my little garden, I was so proud. Well fall, and them winter came, and I was not experienced in care for them, I just thought they would come back in the spring, and in spring they did. I remember going out and seeing the first buds, growing from the ground, I never took the time to care for them, like I did the year before, and they have never produced one single flower, yes they grew green, but not a single flower, this was so disappointing. I don't know if they have a chance now, but I know one thing, I never sought out to try, I just felt defeated, and overwhelmed all the work I did before, would I have to start all over again, is there a chance to save them, for next year. Alls I know it looks like a garden, no-one has been attending to it's fullest, for it's true beauty. I know that plant was intended to have flowers, so people would see it's beauty.

This is how I have been feeling about myself, and my relationship with God. Some times in my life, I am like that hydrangea, growing and seeing flowers, for all my hard work, and other times I am still planted, looking and feeling less then what I know I could be. As my hydrangea bush, It can grow on it's own,It still has all the things it needs, air, soil, rain, but it needs a gardener to help it be it's best. It needs to be attended to. My relationship with God needs daily tending to, and help from a gardener to help it be it's best. For the past month I have felt like I have been less then what I know I could be, but I decided no more, so I have been getting up and tending to relationship, everyday, I spend time listening to a song, and worshiping God, praying, reading his word, and spending time in a book that is changing my life. I feel like I am growing, and flowers are beginning to grow, that when people see me, they see me at my best. I wish sometimes it was easier, just as I wish my hydrangea bush would just grow flowers on it's own, but truth be told, it doesn't. We get what we give, and that is the truth in all area's of our lives.

A letter to you

I know you don't really think any of this is true, so I'm writing it to always remind you. I just got done reading how God really does want us to love ourselves, He first commands us to love Him with all our heart, soul, and mind, Then He goes on to command us to love our neighbor as ourselves, but I know you always forget to love yourself, and I have learned how important God thinks it is to love who you are, I have often believed to put others before me, but this I have learned is so wrong. We first have to love ourselves or we are no good to others, so this is a reminder to you, to love who you are. I pray that when you forget these things, this is an open reminder to all the truth of who you are, and that when you can't remember, you have this to read over and over again, and I pray that strength would come because of this.
You are a good person, you really care for others and their well beings, you want all to know who God is, so you try your best to live for Him. You are a good wife, constantly doing all you can to better your marriage, and search God to show you new ways to love your husband. You love being a wife, you love making your husband happy, and would do anything for him. You are a good mother, from a young age you were made for this, I know it's all you dreamed about becoming. You love your kids, and do your best always, I have seen you fail, but not with out picking back up again to make things right. As a mother, you love your kids, and understand they are God's and summit to His authority in how you should raise your kids, you are constantly reexamining how you raise them, in hopes to do right before your kids. You make mistakes, but are open about the mistakes, and show the forgiveness of God to those around you. You are a good sister, I know you would do anything for your family, and are constantly praying the best for your family. Your a good daughter, knowing that times are hard, but honoring your parents in prayer to God, knowing that His Glory will come through. You are a good friend, you think of your friends often, and try to let them know you love them, if they really need you, you are there. You give good advise, because you try to always give Godly advise. You are a good example to those around you, just by being you, by being real, which you have always set out to do.

I want you to know that you are beautiful, even though I know you struggle with this one. The bible says He made you! He created you, you are wonderfully and perfectly made. When you look in the mirror, from now on I want you to see the beauty of your creator, thank Him for all He has given you, stop putting your self down, because you are putting down the works of your Creator. Yes you have flaws, but those are just outer flaws, and even though you can not see it, they are beautiful, because they are you, except them, except you, now is the time to begin loving yourself, so God can fully love you. Throw those insecurities out the window, so the wind can take them far, far, far, away. You are fun, you have a good sense of humor, you love to have a good time, don't let this world steal your joy!!! It's o.k. to have emotions, it's o.k. to get angry, sad, and sometimes feel down, your Creator gave you those feelings stop feeling guilty for having them, instead talk to God about them, and He will reveal why you have those feelings, and show you what to do with them. If you truly want to love yourself, you have to love God first, so you can truly understand why you are the way you are. You are gifted, and you are strong! You have the mind of Christ, and nothing is impossible with Him. You have talents and gifts that God is waiting to show you what they are, people do care what you have to say, and they really do listen. You are not forgotten, You are loved. I know you are all of these things and have a hard time trusting these things about yourself, because you are me.

Today I set out to do as God commanded and love myself, it was not easy to write, and it may seem boastful, but it is not, It was challenging, but it was freeing, it was allowing myself to see how God sees me, and to confess who I am, and to begin loving myself as God has commanded me to do. I believe as I wrote this things were breaking off my life, I hunger to be used for Christ, but if I can't love and know who I really am, I cannot be used the way God wants to use me. I always thought I had to love others before myself, but I learned we have to love others as much as ourselves, so if I don't love who I am, how can I love others? It's God's orders.

Monkey

Tonight you have made your nickname come to a hole new meaning, I think you fulfill it everyday. You have always been quiet advanced in your motor skills, I don't know if having 3 older brothers and 1 older sister made you feel the need to keep up at a young age. Tonight when you climbed up on the toilet, then into the bathroom sink, and managed to turn on the cold water, I just had to laugh at my little monkey. This is not the highest you have climbed, but I think it is the most unique to date. You didn't like the cold water, but looked at me with a sense of accomplishment. I often wonder if you have no fear yet of heights, even though you have fallen countless times, or if there's a sense of wonder in you even at a young age, does this fill an adrenaline rush? You never want to stop moving, always on the go, I wonder if thats how your life will always be, always having a sense of wonder and exploration. Will it be hard to keep you grounded in our little world? Is there a gift that is waiting to climb out, for us to find? Nothing in your mind seems impossible to you, you believe you can do it all, I hope you keep this, but know that I will always do my best to keep you safe while I can, it's my job, even though you think I'm just getting in your way. I can promise you that in your life you will feel many times that we get in your way, but it will always be for your benefit, always for your protection. I hope we can always find the middle ground, as you grow up, when you want to explore and I want to keep you safe, that with each day as I teach you to do things on your own, I will also let go a tiny bit, sometimes it will be unwilling, and sometimes it will be with complete confidence, but I will have to let go so that our monkey can climb on her very own.

In one day

I have been thinking a lot about the power in one day, in one day you can create or you can destroy. It's amazing what God created in one day, we all know the story, He created the light and darkness on one day, then the sky, then the land, and so on until He created every living creation including man. I'm sure a lot of thought came into play when He created things, I can just imagine, like an artist creating His masterpiece, how much careful thought went into every detail of the different kinds of light, through the sun, the moon, and all those millions and millions of stars, to the sky, starting with a blank canvas, adding touches of blue, and purples and pinks for the beautiful sunset, and creating how day and evening would look. I could go on and on, just about God's perfect creation. When He created man, He created us to walk and talk with Him, with nothing getting in our way, how glorious this must have been. But in one day, man destroyed the very way God created us to be in relationship with Him, because of disobedience leading to sin. Thankfully not all was destroyed, and God was creating a new plan, to bring us back in relationship with Him, through His son Jesus. Thankfully, we still had the world He created for us, and all the wonderful things in it, we just lost the most important part of His creation, our close relationship, now it would become difficult to have a walking, talking, real relationship.

The reason I've been thinking about this is because of a question I have been asking myself, When? When did my relationship with God go from feeling like I was in a close relationship, to whom I talked with and felt extremely close to, to lately feeling like I went on vacation and I need catch up time with a close friend. I have never known the relationship Adam and Eve had with God, and I wouldn't have wanted to be them, knowing the real way, experiencing it, then to have lost it. Thankfully one day we will have what Adam and Eve had in the garden, to walk with the Lord ,and never lose it. Oh I can't wait! Well I have been close to God, feeling Him, knowing Him through His word, obeying Him, experiencing the blessings on my life. But lately I have felt I lost something, I believe it happened in a matter of one day, just by not taking the time to be with Him, or by disobedience and hiding from Him. I can't pin point the day, I most likely don't even realize how it happened, but it did. The problem, one day led to another and another, of not being with God, not growing and strengthening our relationship. I know I didn't do this on purpose, believe me I want to know God, sometimes I just get so caught up in me, and feel to busy, that I just lose that one day. Thankfully I don't lose everything, God is always there waiting to forgive me, and restore our relationship.

I'm sick of the circle's, going round and round in my relationship with God, feeling close to feeling distant. I need to learn that everyday counts! That I can create my relationship and make it something beautiful, filling in all the details, painting it perfectly with my creator, or I can destroy it. I know destroy is a strong word, and that what is already created has not been lost, but if I am not building something up, I'm either not building it to its full potential for what I originally created it be, or I am slowly tearing it down. I just believe if we are not doing all we can to become who God has created us to be, we are destroying the very purpose God has created us for. We are allowing other distractions, from the enemy, to be in perfect relationship with our God. I don't know about you, but I am sick of destroying what I could have created!!

Sin is our destroyer, it comes in all shapes, sizes, disguises, and voices. Whether we believe it or not, we choose to sin. If our relationship with God is lacking , or we feel unhappy, I think we need to ask God to reveal the sin in our lives, that is destroying our relationship and our very purpose. It always amazes me, when I think I have a clean slate, and still feel unhappy, God always reveals unforgiveness in my heart, selfish motives, pride, I could go on and on, after all the bible says not one of us is with out blame.

I was asking God this morning to restore our relationship, I was explaining to Him how I wanted to feel happy, and stop having the ups and the downs, to be content, after realizing that my relationship was feeling less then it should because of one day leading to other day, then to God also revealing this scripture to me. Happy is the person who's sins are forgiven, whose wrongs are pardoned. Happy is the person whom the Lord does not consider guilty and in whom there is nothing false. When I kept things to myself, I felt weak deep inside of me. I moaned all day long. Psalms 32:1-3 this is when it hit me, I need to be forgiven, and then allow God to restore my relationship with Him. I could do all I can to be happy, but if God hasn't forgiven me daily of my sins, I will never feel happy. This chapter in psalms goes on to say after we confess our sins and are free from guilt, The Lord says, "I will make you wise and show you were to go, I will guide you and watch over you" vs 8. This is why I felt lost, God couldn't do His work in me, until He revealed what I needed to let go of first. That in a matter of one day, of not spending time, I was destroying my relationship with Him. I will never be happy if my happiness is not in Him alone! I can search and try to find happiness in other things, but unless I am in perfect relationship with God I will never be truly happy. Every day counts in building this relationship. It has to be God's way and God's way alone.

I will not fail you, because He will not fail me

This question has been plaguing me for too long. Am I good parent, am I really doing the best for my kids? My patients just hasn't been around lately, and I feel it's been stretched to it's limit in different situations. This is very emotional for me, because I want to be a great parent. I know I will not be perfect, and who says I have to be. I just haven't felt good enough, after going to the doctor today, with my most difficult and challenging child, I left in tears with the realization that I lost control somewhere down the line. I found myself feeling defeated with all of his issues, and feeling like I failed him at some point. The doctor commented on his behavioral issues, a.k.a, not listening and hyperactive. She even used the term ADHD which I think is a load. I know my child, I know his little ways, yes he's stubborn, but he knows what he wants, he just hasn't figured out how to use this characteristic in a good way, isn't that our job as parents? To teach our kids how to use their gifts and characteristics for a greater good. I realize I'm making mistakes, the biggest right now is trying to do this on my own, I've been asking advise from others, when I should be asking the One who mad him. I forget this sometimes, to first ask God to give me direction as a parent, I usually come to Him when I feel all is lost, then as usual He gives me hope and the tools I need, I just need to bring it to Him first, so I will be confident as a parent. I have been failing my child in a way, not seeking God for his life and his purpose is not giving my child everything he needs. I would go up and say how sorry I am, that I haven't understood him, that I haven't been the best mommy I can be, that I love him more than he could ever know, and I will never stop no matter what, I love him just the way he is, and i'm so thankful for who God made him, that even with all his difficulties, he's perfect and I wouldn't change him, I'm going to allow God to do His work and I won't get in the way, that I'm going to allow him to be a boy even in a world that thinks we need to "tame" our boys, I'm not going to let people tell me what I should be doing with him, but seek God, and yes I'll discipline when it's out of rebellion because God's word tells me to do so, but it will be out of love and not out of anger or pride. I would go up and tell him all this, but he would just look at me like I lost my mind and he most likelywould not understand, so I'll just hug and kiss him, and say I love you just the way you are, and allow God to speak the rest into his tiny little soul. I will fail, if on my own, but thankfully I have God and His spirit will guide me, and I will not be alone. I know I'll still make mistakes, but by His blood He will cover me, and protect my children. After all, my children belong to God, and to Him they will stay, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Don't read if you offend easily

I can not do this once a month, o.k. so i guess I have no choice, but the emotions, and rage i feel are just not right. i haven't had this in so long, because i have been pregnant or nursing over the last 10 years, with a couple of months in between, but not enough for my body to kick in "normal" -full gear. I really feel like I'm losing it, until i realize the cause, and then i still feel like i have no control. During this "time" I feel like the worst wife and mother, After His Heart gets thrown out the window, and I think I have to get on my knee's and ask for forgiveness a hundred times in one day, the best thing for me would be to not get off of my knee's then I think I would be safe. Obviously I know this can not be done, but hey it was an idea. I always feel like my husband is not good enough, my kids are out of control and disobedient, and nobody cares to help me with the house. Today I cleaned the house from top to bottom, while yelling at the kids to help, and asking them why they can't keep up with the messes. While full knowing this is learned behavior from me. I feel like my marriage is falling apart, and my husband doesn't care enough about me, while he asks me, Have you ever wondered why our marriage is falling apart once every month, do you think there might be a reason? I use to think he was just being a jerk, and looking for any way to blame me, until I started to notice that once a month for about 3 months around the exact same time, I felt our marriage was not good enough. He was right, so now i try to keep my mouth shut, and hold on for the week following, when I love my life, my husband, and I have the best kids in the whole world, who cares that the house isn't clean, we have each other. So I guess I'm holding on to next week, and in the mean time I'll be trying to win the battle with those 3 awful letters!

(a good example of this "thing" is I wrote the other blog this morning, yes I still hunger after God, I need Him more than anything, but I think I lost the battle today, how do you go from that to this in one day? uhhh.....stupid pms)

I miss you

I miss You, I'm brought to tears at those very words. It's not that I haven't had time with You, in fact I have seen you all week, the works of Your very hands have been around me. I've given You little moments, a small prayer, a quiet thank you, a please forgive me, an I love You, I just haven't had a whole lot of You and me time. You have given me the most wonderful week, a trip with my husband, a play date with a good friend, and then a trip with my children later in the week, a full day to clean my house, and now it's time for just You. I can't wait to meet You in the morning. I missed our time last week, and I'm hungering for it so bad. I'm thankful for last weekend, You knew I needed that more than anything, I just can't wait to feel Your presence, to be in Your house, loving You with all my heart. Learning about just You. Being with You, giving You what I can not carry anymore, and You giving me the strength I need. I miss You, Lord.

Anniversary weekend

Our weekend was amazing! I just kept thinking why don't we do this more often? It was perfect, the weather, our time, everything. It was so fun just the ride in the car, with no kids, it was so peaceful. We talked and laughed, and enjoyed the scenery around us. We almost hit a deer, but my husbands wonderful driving saved the day. It was so scary, but so exciting, that Benji couldn't stop talking about his "professional" driving. We went a little out of our way, due to direction malfunction, this would normally get me upset, but I just kept thinking, I don't care, I'm alone with my husband and nothing is going to ruin this trip! (even though it felt like everything was trying to ruin our getaway, mostly me and my attitude, which I changed way before we left, o.k. maybe only a couple of hours, but I did it!) We arrived at our camping site a little later than planned, and thought that all campsites were all booked up, but we found a site, it was perfect. We had to set up camp in the dark, but this to, was exciting in it's own way. Benji built us the most wonderful fire, because once again he reminded me he was a "professional". We roasted marshmallows, and made smores. We talked and cuddled close. The stars were amazing, the air was perfect! We went to bed, in our little tent, with our air mattress, which Benji thanked me for insisting on getting. I woke up to bacon and eggs, cooked on an open fire. Benji was in heaven, I just loved watching him in his element. He loved this, and I loved being there with him. Our hike was so much fun, it was beautiful, it was breathtaking. It took half the day, we were so tired by the end, but I was sad that it was over. We decided to go to another park, and do more climbing, o.k. this was Benji's idea, but I went along, and it ended up to be fun. We were heading to the bed and breakfast next, but first stopped to go inside an antique shop, in a really old house. I got lost for a while in another time. I couldn't wait for the bed and breakfast, it was all I could think about at this point was to relax. It was amazing! We hung out, took a bath, got ready, went to dinner, then headed back, got our suits on and climbed into the hot tub. It was another beautiful night, the moon was bright with a ring around it, we joked and flirted, I felt as if we were dating again. I found myself wondering how could I ever love Benji more than I did at that very moment. After a long relaxing time, we went back to our room, watch some t.v. and then both couldn't keep our eyes awake, and decided to go to bed, looked at the time, and realized it was only 9:30, and laughed at how old we felt, but didn't care and went to bed anyways. We woke up had breakfast and were off to home, we missed our kids. I have to say this was my favorite anniversary yet, it was the greatest gift I have ever received, time with my husband to fall head over heels more in love with him. It was exactly what my heart needed, nothing could replace what I have been given.

a heart can be deceived.
it's time to stop letting my heart lead me,
and begin leading my heart.

Me?

Is it me? I feel this disconnection happening and I wonder is it me? I've been silent, like I've felt I should be, but all I feel I'm getting is a loss. I know it's strengthening the most important relationships you have given me, but am I losing the others. Am I becoming the outsider looking in. I know one of my greatest lessons I still need to learn is, I can't do it all. It's hard trusting, it's a stretch, but I know I have to get it right, so I don't have to do a u-turn over and over again. I want to do it Your way, but will I have to say good-bye? will I have to let go? I know not forever, but for a season. I place it in Your hands. I trust that You are in control.

When I was a little girl, You had me. I spoke of you often, I never doubted You. I still feel like that little girl, hearing the stories of the bible, with no doubt in my mind, that all the animals fit on that boat, and that Jonah was swallowed by a big fish. Even when I was in my rebellious years, you were there, waiting for me to call you back and I knew it. At times you have felt distant, but I knew you were there, like a parent who has to allow me to do things on my own. At times I felt like the poem of footprints in the sand, you carried me, because I was to weak to walk on my own. You always know exactly what I need you to be, I trust when you feel distant, it's because I have the abilities in me from you, to do all things, I trust when I can't walk, at just the right time you are carrying me, when I stand on my own two feet you go before me, and guide me, and sometimes I believe you are right there beside me. When I have to stop and rest, you care for me, giving me the strength to go on. I never want to stop being Your little girl, yes I'm not little anymore, but my heart clings to You like a little girl leaping into her fathers arms. Believing You have all that I need. Knowing that You can do all things, and Trusting that You will.

House Plans

May He give you the desire of you heart,
and make all your plans succeed
psalms 20:4

I just about fell onto the floor today when my husband, who just woke up from a hard night of throwing papers, matter of factly said, I decided we are going to sell our house. He was eating lunch or breakfast to him, so I sat at the table, with ears fully alert to hear this plan of his. I must remind you, that I have been wanting to move and get a new house for years, but have been silently praying about this for a very long time, and handed it all over to God, who of course has felt silent in this matter, but little did I know He was speaking to my husband all along. In fact, I believe my husband even got a little nudge the other day, when we got a phone call to awaken the hope in us both. So I was sitting at the table, ready to hear what was next, and I was in awe, he started talking about getting this house ready to sell, fixing it up, and Believing, it was going to sell. Believing, Benji is believing!! God is really doing something in him. I wanted to jump up and down, and be his biggest cheerleader! My husband has always dreamed of building us our dream house, and I believe this dream is going to come true, I know how proud he would be of himself, to fulfill this dream for me, and our family. At this point in our conversation, him talking me listening with my mouth almost hitting the floor in amazement to the words coming out of his mouth, I had to fight back the tears with everything in me. I didn't want him to see me get to excited, because he fears of failing me, but he never would, I love him just the way he is, and if our life stayed exactly this way until we died, I would love him the same, and even more. I wanted to cry, because he has no idea, the answer to so many prayers were coming out of his mouth. Many of my friends know of the struggle I've had with wanting a new house, wanting it so bad, so this is huge. I don't just believe God is going to give us a house, but He is going to give Benji his dreams, dreams I have just grown to learn, he has had since he was a child. Benji was always building, and he still loves to construct new things, something comes alive in him, when he creates things for us and the kids. I've heard countless stories of when he was little, he was always outside building forts, and tree houses, constructing things for all to enjoy. I really believe it was something God put inside him, desires, and gifts, for his future. All these years how wrong I had it, praying on my behalf, wanting the house for my dreams, praying for myself. Well lately I have been praying for God to awaken Benji's dreams and his purpose, I had no idea what God was doing, I stopped thinking of me, and really with all my heart have been praying for Benji, isn't it amazing that when I started praying for my husband, both our dreams are going to get filled. Isn't God so good, I have to pause and thank Him again. I really thought when I was praying for my husband, God was going to open doors for Benji to play his bass or be used for other gifts, but God always knows what He is doing! I even laid down the whole house thing, saying I could live in these little walls forever, it that is what I had to do. Well as Benji was telling me all the things he was going to be doing, he said I would like to put the house on the market in January, I was like this January, he said yes. wow, what, that's only like 3 months, I never said any of this because I wasn't about to let him think I doubted his plan, because not a inch of me did. I wanted him to know i supported and trusted any decision he said. The what if's began playing in my mind, but he said, We'll just have to trust and believe that everything will fall into place. We might have to lease a place or move in with some relatives, if our house sells, but we have to live for our dream, right? We even got online and began looking at house plans, and right away found the exact house plans we had talked and dreamt about. Plans that had a wrap a round porch and windows that come out of the roof,( dormers, Benji always tells me they're called), 5 bedrooms, a room I could turn into an after school room, I could go on and on, about how it's perfect. We just need land, which I believe we are going to get and to sell our house. It could take a long time to sell our house, who knows, only God, but I believe God is in this 100% I believe that everything is going to fall into it's perfect place, I believe as Jacque is watching her husbands dreams unfold, I'm watching my husbands, it just took me a little longer to figure it out.

I'm asking for everyones prayers in this, please get behind us, that everything will fall into place. That when our world is telling us this can not happen, God is bigger, He's a dream maker, a purpose filler, our hope, our strength, our guide, He is the answer. I honestly can say I want this, but I want this more for Benji then I do myself.

Commit to the Lord whatever you do
and your plans will succeed
proverbs 16:3

Many are the plans in a man's heart
but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails
proverbs 19:21

I am smart

As I was hanging Leighton's 100% spelling and math test on the refrigerator yesterday, I was brought back to all the struggles she had last year, and how far she has come. How far I have come through this experience. I hope I always share this story with her, and that forever she knows how proud I am of her. I am brought to tears when I think about last year, how hard school had been on her, how I felt like a failure as a parent. I questioned what I was doing wrong, and I constantly asked myself what I could be doing more. When I spoke to the teacher, and the teacher used the words insecure to describe Leighton, it was like a stab in my heart. I can barely type these words as I'm writing them, because of the tears that have started to poor. I just remember thinking how can you call her insecure, that is not my little girl. Have you really seen her, she's beautiful, has the best personality, loves others, is a goof ball, always is going out of her way to get noticed, she tells the best stories, this girl is a rare find. I realized that the teacher meant that Leighton was insecure about her abilities in school, so as we were sitting down at the table doing her homework, and she was struggling to read and understand, I said "Leighton you can do this, you are so smart." I always tell my kids they can do anything, if they believe in themselves and the power they have in them through God. I looked at her and said, "Leighton do you know how smart you are", she shook her head, and her little tears began to fall. I told her say that "you are smart", and she said "I can't, because I'm not". I looked her straight in the eyes, and said "yes you are, and you need to believe you are. I think you are smart, Daddy thinks you are smart, and God knows because He made you". I began to remember this story at church when Pastor Rick, felt defeated, and he went to the mirror and started confessing the things that God says to us, like he was a child of God, and he can do all things...and how he immediately began to change, and feel strengthened. As I sat there with Leighton I realized at the age of 6, she had already felt defeated that the enemy had already began to speak his little lies to my daughter, well I was mad, this was a battle that the devil was not going to win! I brought Leighton into the mirror ( I know some people may think, I'm crazy, but this was my daughters future, and I was not going to let that stupid devil win!) and told her to look at herself and say that "I am smart". She was crying and wouldn't look at herself, but the words came out, very soft and quiet with no passion behind them..."I am smart", I said say them again, she began to say it over and over again, and soon she was looking at herself, and it was like she began to believe what she was saying. "I am smart, I am smart," I told her she had to believe it for herself, she really did begin to believe, because over the course of the year something began to change. She started to read better, her teacher began to notice a change, and she started enjoying school more. I honestly think something was broken off of her that day, this year she is doing so well, she has her occasional lower grades, and she still goes for extra help, due to a learning disability that was also got caught last year, but God did something in my little girl. She holds her head up high, loves to read, she's doing wonderful in school, and is always letting people know how smart she is. I still to this day, will stop and ask Leighton what are you?, and with the smile and the cutest little voice that only Leighton has, she boldly and with more confidence than ever will say "I am smart"

Thank you Aaron

When we made the decision for our kids to go to public school, the only other option was homeschooling. We couldn't afford to send our kids to private school, and to be honest this just wasn't an option to me at all. Homeschooling only became an option because the mother in me wanted to protect my kids, I wanted them home safe with me, away from the dangers of this world. I wanted to be in charge all the time. However, I knew this wasn't an option really either. We wanted our kids to have more than just what we could provide from them at home, we wanted them to have friends, and opportunities they would never get if I kept them at home. I tell everyone I would ruin my kids if I let them at home, I know some may think we could ruin them sending them out into the world at such a young age. I have to wonder when did Christians get it so wrong? I always want our family to be a light in such a dark world, by our family, not by my kids. I do not expect my kids to go preaching the gospel at school, I do however expect them to be an example by making right choices, and when they don't make right choices, to see love through the wrong. To show others yes I messed up, but I can turn this around for the good. My children are only 9 and 7 that are in school, and trust me when I tell you, I can give you examples of how this is true. I believe it's by us the parents that really reveal God to these kids in school, that we are the ones by getting involved and being apart of the school, not just sending them off, and expecting them to be the Christians. Allowing children into a Godly home, a safe home. This weekend we had this opportunity, one of Brennan's friends from school came over to play, and ended up staying the night with us, and going to church with us on Sunday, He loved it and wants to come back, he said he was going to ask his daddy to bring him back. This boy helped me to realize that our decision to put our kids into public school was the right choice for us. When Hayden my 4 year old was giving me a kiss, he asked Aaron, do you kiss your mommy all the time? Aaron with sadness in his eyes and the tone of his voice, said I haven't seen my mom in over a year, she does bad things. It took everything in me not to cry. Then when we were sitting at the table having a snack, he looked around and said, This is my dream house, the only thing missing is a German Shepard. Right then in there, I stopped and thanked God for my dream house, my husband, my kids, and everything we are so blessed to have, the things I tend to take for granite. Aaron has his problems and I know a lot of Christians would keep their kids away from this kind of a kid, he doesn't have much, and the more I heard his story the more saddened I became. But all I kept hearing is Thank you from God, for taking care of, loving, and bringing his Child to church. Aaron is Gods, as so all these kids are, we are suppose to bring God to them, not keep God away. When I said we as Christians have it so wrong, this is what I meant. These so called bad kids the ones we think our going to corrupt our kids are Gods kids too, (which if we think a school is going to corrupt our kids, I think we need to ask as parent, what are we doing wrong? The bible says we parents will be held accountable for our kids, not pastors, not church's or schools) and when I get to heaven I want to stand before God and Him thank me for loving all His children. Trust me I know my kids are going to hear and see things that they wouldn't see if I kept them at home, but I much rather them hear and see them while under my roof, where I can train and teach them the ways of God, then when they are older, and for them to go off to college, or work and be doing it on their own. When my kids come home from school with a problem, we take this as a teaching experience and a learning to reveal God to them, to show them what God asks of them, and to love others the way He asks us to do. I think when the bible says be in the world and not of the world, it does not simply mean to live in the world, it means to be apart of it, praying for it, changing it, living it, but with out conforming to it's ways, to stand only on Godly ways. Jesus didn't stay in His home, or in Church, He was out in the world, teaching, and loving all Gods children. He was showing us how God expects us to live.

Train children how to live right, and when they are old
they will not change.
proverbs 22:6

Birdie

This may be one of the hardest things for me to write, due to the emotion behind it. The past years I have wasted to many tear on this lie. I have let it in, brought it along with me all my life, into my marriage, and on to my kids, I have carried it into friendships, and even have given up on some of these friendships. Last night I recognized this for what it really is, a lie, spoken to me since I was to young to remember how or when it became apart of me. I've played the victim role to long, I've believed that I had the right to this lie. I've let in pride, thinking that I deserved more than what was given to me, always needing people's approval for the sake of not being Forgotten, because if I had all this I knew that I was not forgotten. Last night I was asked a question "what it is that the devil uses on you.." To get me distracted from what God says, for Gods purpose in my life, my marriage, as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend. Forgotten was all I heard, that I am, and always have been forgotten. This lie has brought me to tears so many times I can't even begin to tell you how many. My poor husband what he has had to go through to remind me I am not forgotten. It's so bad that in any situation, I can just say "well see I was forgotten once again" The other night my nephew fell and got a scull fracture, and no-one called me, I had no idea, instead of calling my brother to make sure my nephew was o.k. (which please don't get me wrong I prayed and was terrified for him, and talked to my sister who reassured me he was fine) I thought of course my family didn't call me, because they always forget about me. I could go on and on about times i've been "hurt" (I choose to be hurt, nobody really hurt me, i've played the victim role) in my life because I felt I was forgotten. Last night I decided, Satan you will not deceive me anymore!!! I will not listen to this lie, I will not let it rule me and bring me away from my destiny. I will not let it divide my marriage anymore! I will not bring this onto my children, were they learn how to play the forgotten role! I will not seclude myself from my family for the so called hurt they caused me. I will not let my friends be effected in my friendships anymore! I'm done, I'm throwing into the fiery furnace, I know that I'm still going to get attacked, but last night I also learned by knowing God's word, we can stop the devil from speaking these lies, by simply but powerfully speaking God's truth.

All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness so that the man of God be complete and proficient, well filled, and throughly equipped for every good work.
2 Timothy 3:16,19

I set out this morning to find the truth in God's word, so that I could speak the truth, and rebuke the devil. So that I could correct and repent of living this lie. Many of my friends already know that when I worry I remind myself that I am more than a bird, when Jesus tells us not to worry, He says doesn't God feed the birds, they don't have to plant or harvest, it's there for them, God feeds them, He says you are worth much more than birds. Your Father knows your every need. Well through another bird story Jesus used, I have learned I am not forgotten. In Luke 12:6-7 Jesus is talking about 5 sparrows being sold for only 2 pennies, and God does not forget them. This is much lower than they are worth, as if I've felt I was and have been treated for much less than I am worth. Sometimes maybe I was treated wrong, and others times it was a lie, but none the less, It was a lie from the enemy. Jesus goes on to say But God (one of my favorite things my pastor ever taught me, was the power in the words BUT GOD, how it cancels out what was said before by the power in God, that when things look impossible, the word always says BUT GOD, WoW! {-shout out to Pastor Rick }, then the scripture says what God did, or what He says) But God even knows how many hairs you have on your head. Don't be afraid. You are worth much more than many sparrows. From no on when I feel forgotten, when the devil tries to lie to me when all circumstances say that I have been forgotten, or neglected, I will say But God says that I have not been forgotten I am much more than many sparrows!!!! That He knows and cares about every little detail of who I am, He has not, and will not forget about me!

I was sitting there asking myself why do I relate to birds so much, I just heard the word "birdie"spoken to me like when I was a child, with the affection and love behind it, as so many people would call out to me and I don't think it was a mistake that my nickname was "birdie" growing up. Another reminder that God knows just the perfect way to reveal himself to each and everyone of us. I feel as though a weight has been lifted off me that I have been carrying way, way, to long!
Praise God for Who He is, What He is doing, and for His Power given to each and every one of us

Today I had a real scare, Ashlyn fell down the steps. (yes again) She has been going up and down for the past week just fine on her own. For the first few days I watched her every move, she scared me. I soon noticed that she got the hang of it. Well today she fell, I heard the loudest thud, so I knew she was going to be hurt. I picked her up, and she was crying but no sound was coming out, then she fell limp into my arms. I ran her up the steps, and by this point she was conscious but she still wasn't crying, and she wouldn't lift up her head. I just started saying, help me God, please Jesus let her be o.k. and I called Benji who reassured me she was going to be o.k. and to not let her sleep. She's fine now it took me holding her for a 1/2 and hour and following her around for another 10 minutes to really believe she was o.k. I just thank God that He was there with me, helping me and letting her be o.k. I had to just stop and thank God for all of my kids, it's in these moments when I really see how precious they are to me, and how they are in His care.

Something Better

I live my life for the "something betters." I'm always thinking there has to be something better. If we get something new or something I really wanted, I always notice there's something better, when I thought I was happy with what I had. When I go to someone's house and I notice their decorations, furniture, or style of their house, I think it's so much better than what I have. Why do I feel the need to compete, or impress others, or hide so they can't see I don't have the "something betters" When I could be perfectly happy with what I have, I always think I need more. I began to really think about this, and I thought if I lived where I never saw other people things, I would be content with what I have. I would only notice what has already been given to me. right? I don't think so. I believe we need these "something betters" to remind us to trust in God. I am quickly brought to Adam and Eve who had a paradise with everything they needed but they wanted to know about the forbidden tree, they needed to know about something they thought was better, they were deceived in thinking they didn't have it all already. God had given them everything they needed! Why did God put the tree in their in the first place? He wanted them to see and trust that everything they had was already right before them. To look at that tree and know if it was not given to them, then God alone knows better then they did for themselves. To trust in Him and Him alone.That same God has given me everything I need, I'm just deceived in thinking I need better, when right before me is everything I need. If God thought I needed more, He would supply more, But He knows just what I need at this moment, and it's already been given to me. I believe if Adam and Eve needed more and went to God , they would have been given more. God himself would have taught them about being more like God, (who better to teach about God, them God Himself) I believe He would have given them the knowledge they really wanted. I believe it was to bring them in relationship with God that the tree was there, to ask questions to God about the ways of God. The bible says when we seek we shall find. So if Adam and Eve would of sought after God, they would have grown in their knowledge and their relationship with God. So does God want any less for me? NO, He wants me to have everything I need. God wants me to trust in Him. He wants me to bring my wants to Him, and He will reveal the answers to me. He wants to have a relationship with me. I hope knowing this now, I will be quick to bring things to God, and not be so quickly deceived.

10 great years

My (our) 10 year anniversary is coming up real soon, on october 3rd 2008. i must admit i'm a little nervous that it's not going to be much. i know it's just a day, but it's a big day to me. it's a reminder of the wonderful things that have happened to me in the past 10 years. I just had a walk down memory lane, I love this lane, i would move and stay in it forever if i could. but i know if i want memories, i have to live in the present. 10 years ago on october 3rd 1998 at 10am (what were we thinking) I walked down the isle to give my heart forever to the greatest man in the world. I think back now, and oh the things I would change on that day, the colors, the flowers, the photographer, most likely everything, except the man I married. I would have new friends be apart of that day, and not have some of the others. We defiantly would have new groomsmen, some of you get this. I remember planning for this day, I was so young, honestly alls I wanted to do was get married, I would marry him in a courthouse, I just wanted to be his. that is why we had an early reception because I wanted to spend the evening with just him. I loved that day, the feeling of knowing forever I would be Mrs. Keri Dummerth. Over the past 10 years we have filled these years, not leaving one empty thing. As I looked at pictures, I remembered our very first Christmas, only a week before finding out we were having a baby. We didn't waste anytime. Waking up that morning with presents under the tree, so excited to give them to each other. Spending the day with family. over the next 9 months we spent preparing for the birth of Brennan. We looked like children ourself, we had so many people surrounding us that big day on August 15th 1999. We went through job changes, and bringing Brennan on the road, leaving him for weekends with grandparents (i was young this would never work for me now) finding out that I was pregnant, again right before Brennan's 1st birthday in 2000. Still traveling on the road, and I remember begging Benji to leave this job, so I could be home with Brennan, and soon our new baby. He loved the job, getting to see new cities, and be around his friends all the time, I was miserable, and he laid it all down, went back to throwing papers for our family. I wonder if he knows, to this day, how much that meant to me. We got back settled into our normal life wondering how in the world we were going to make it with 2 children. In 2001 we welcomed Leighton, to our family, and how perfect I thought everything was. A boy and a girl, one for me and one for him. It was great. We moved into a new house (the one we are still in) and we had so much room. But soon we would fill this house, we didn't realize it yet. I remember going back to work when Leighton was 6 months old. We had it made then, I was getting busy and making good money, and then I begged you for just one more baby, the only one we planned (at this point) This one took us a little longer, I think we tried for 6 months or so, I can't remember, but I do remember when we finally conceived. In 2003 we conceived and would give birth to another baby boy. It was a busy year. When Hayden was born, I really thought that this was the perfect family. I didn't go back to work, because 3 was very busy. I'll never forget the day we found out about child #4, right after our anniversary in october in 2004, not once since we had been married did the idea of a baby scare or upset me, like this one did. I felt somewhat complete, and I felt as if I lost control. I thought I still had a baby, since Hayden wasn't even a year yet, and I really wanted to enjoy my little family. I just went back to work again. I remember bringing the pregnancy test down to Benji, I slammed it on the steps, and cried, and stared at the wall for an hour. I remember Benji saying it's o.k. that everything was going to be good, and he was excited. A miracle had happened right before my eyes, Benji was excited about another baby. I forgot to mention when I told him about Brennan and Leighton, I thought he was going to run away. I soon got put into my place when the doctor called to tell me I needed to be careful, because my progesterone was low, and I could mis carry. I prayed, and prayed that this one be my little miracle, and boy was he. Cohen was born with some scare behind it in july of 2005. He was a daddy's boy from the very beginning. In 2006 we lost a baby, I was 9 weeks pregnant, we hadn't planned, but we were very happy about this baby. God was my strength through this. I never realized how painful a miscarriage was, it was a tough time. It made us realize that one more baby in our lives would make our family feel complete. So we began to try for our 5th one, it took us a few months to conceive , I prayed that she would be a girl, I believed it so much that I think everyone thought I was crazy. I remember people saying it's a boy, i just know it, and I would look at them and say It's a girl I just know it. Ashlyn was our dream, born June of 2007, I later found out that Dream, vision, is what her name means. Isn't God so good. Since Ashlyn has been born we have grown in so many ways, my husband has become my focus, and our children our priority. I have really lived this year looking forward to our 10 year, because of the excitement of our last 10 years. It has a lot of meaning behind it for me, the last 10 years were building for what the next years of our lives will be about. I am so proud of our marriage, and the road we have been on. This has been the best journey to get to this point, and I know there are so many more years to come. In 2008 we will celebrate our 10 year! I guess no matter what happens on that day, it's not about one day it's about the days that led up to it. I doesn't matter how we celebrate, it only matters what we celebrate it about. US!!! Our love, that gave us all of this!

ATTENTION!!

God is trying to get my attention, just as He did with Moses and the burning bush. The scripture says that an Angel of the Lord appeared to him in flames of fire coming out of the bush. Moses saw that the bush was on fire. Then it goes on to say When the Lord saw Moses coming to look at the bush, God called to him from the bush. Another version says God saw that he stopped to look. I found this fascinating that first God tried to get Moses attention, and then when Moses saw and stopped to look, God called to him. I wondered what if Moses kept walking by or ran because he was scared. Or so preoccupied (tending to Jethro's flock) that he failed to notice. God waited to call to Moses until Moses looked, God could have called him way before, or just called him without even trying to get his attention. But He waited for Moses to see what He was doing. Unlike Moses I haven't seen that God has been trying to get my attention. I have walked right by and failed to recognize God was trying to get my attention, I have been preoccupied with my own agenda and totally missed what God was trying to show me. Well yesterday I saw, I stopped and looked what was right before my eyes, it might as well have been a burning bush it was so obvious. I have been doubting my husband, and his abilities to hear and do as God says. I have had my own ideas on how his obedience to God should be. I even have been complaining that I think he's missing it, when all along I've been walking right past the burning bush. All day yesterday God was trying to get my attention and was waiting for me to notice. My husband, loving me, just as God had called him to do. In the morning Benji spoke to me just what I needed to hear, he loved me and he missed me. He went to the store, and came home with gifts for the kids, and helped them clean their room. When I was at work, he called to play over the phone(he had it paused and all cued up just for me to hear) "pecan pie" from Harry met Sally because he knew it drove me nuts that I couldn't remember what it was from. This is when God started to get my attention, and I began to notice, but I still didn't realize what He was trying to show me. Benji had already made the kids chicken and dumplings and since I don't like them, he made me my own dinner and it was waiting for me when I got home. He prepared it, he stopped what he was doing so when I got home it was hot and ready to eat. (grilled salmon, garlic potatoes, and steamed broccoli) It wasn't until we were sitting on the couch, and I was talking about work, and how i'm slowly building and I was telling him it was hard, that he stopped me and said. I'm so proud of you. It was right there that God had got my attention. I realized that my husband was doing exactly what God had called him to do. Love me. God began speaking to me about my husband, and not to doubt what Benji is doing, I saw what his purpose it right now, how blessed I am, I feel like the luckiest women there is, and I am so proud of who my husband is, if the rest of our lives all we had to do was Love and Respect each other, I would feel complete. For I know I truly have a man of God, who serves and is obedient in every way. I see who my husband is, and I know now more than ever that God is going to give him big things, because he is so faithful with the few things he has been given. Thank you God for getting my attention!!!!

Path of Life

Today I saw myself in a field, so green so rich, the grass was tall, and light, blowing in the wind. Your presence was hovering over this field. I looked to the right and then to the left, so much grass I couldn't see where it began or ended. It captivated me in every way. There was so much beauty, and a stillness. It was like I could smell the air, so crisp with just the perfect amount of moisture. The sky was blue and the sun was shining down on me. I never really saw the sun, I just felt it, like my whole body was taking it in. I felt your presence. Then it was as I was high above looking at myself being led by Your Son, who had a sword of some kind cutting out a path before every step I took. I saw the field of grass on both sides, and ahead of me, but a perfect path was being cut out just for me. Then I was there behind Him, I couldn't take my eyes off Him, He was leading the way, and I was following. Cutting down the grass before me. He turned and smiled, but only my heart and soul could see His face, to my eyes it's as the most perfect light I've ever seen. At this moment I thought I don't care where you take me I will follow you anywhere. It's all I wanted to do, to be in this field with You Lord, where your presence is everywhere, and Jesus leading my way, carefully cutting out my path, knowing where to go and asking me to follow. Today I decided not to take my eyes off of Him, with every step He took I took, knowing that this was the path for me. Knowing that He is leading my way, and to trust in Him always. After I wrote this the Lord led me to this passage. I feel as David felt when he wrote these words.

I have set the Lord always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.

Therefore my heart is glad and my
tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
because you will not abandon me to
the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One
see decay.
You made known for me the
path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your
presence
Psalm 16:8-11

Todays Homework

Last night I asked a question, and this question sent me on a mission to find the answer. The answer I thought would be simple, just words stated as fact, but I soon found out it wasn't just words, it had become my reality. I had to remind myself why I asked the question, there was a deeper question behind it, and with a deeper question, comes a deeper answer. As we read the words "do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery." Ephesians 5 :18 (niv) I was curious, what does debauchery mean, I wanted to know what getting drunk lead to. My mind went to many area's but for the sake of not embarrassing myself I won't say where, because I have seen to many times in other people what being drunk can lead to. I really wanted to know what one sin could possibly be lead to. So I leaned over and asked 2 people and neither of them knew. They too wanted to know. So I went home and began my mission. (or homework as one might put it) Debauchery means; to lead away from virtue or excellence, seduction or temptation from virtue or duty. In another version of the bible it says that it will ruin you. How can having a drink ruin you, or lead away from virtue or excellence, I was wondering. It's just a drink right, one little drink, or many I guess, it does say do not get drunk. I began to ponder this word, I found it fascinating and I had no idea why. I just wanted to know how doing one thing could lead us away from being excellent, it's just one thing. I soon began to realize that one thing always leads to another, we convince ourselves that one thing is not that big of a deal, but soon it leads to another. In our world we are told that certain things are just the way they are, and we find ourselves conforming to the world, while in reality we are being ruined, ruined of what God really has intended for us. We watch things around us that seem like no big deal because it's just the way it is, we don't even realize what is happening to us. We have become so desensitize to things, that we don't realize how wrong they are. There are so many things that lead us away from our excellence in Him. More than just getting drunk on to much wine; our anger, our gossip, our words, a little lie, our thoughts, our insecurities, our pride, our jealousy, and so much more can lead to debauchery. These things can steal our excellence, our virtue, our duty and our purpose. I'm asking again to be sensitive to the things that come in and steal my excellence, that are trying to steal my purpose. To be pure hearted again, not conforming to the world on what doesn't seem to be a "big deal", but to remind myself that anything that can ruin me, is a big deal. I've asked to many times, How did someone have it so right at one point in there life, and now they have it so wrong? How did they lose everything?How are they so lost? When did it happen? What did it? It's usually nothing big that happened, I can look back and see that it's something so little, that led to another thing, then to another. I'm not even speaking against drinking, it's not all about that, it's about being careful in what you let steal your purpose. It's about trying to be sensitive to what is leading you into debauchery, for all of us it is something different. I guess what I've realized is that we need to be aware and sensitive to what is trying to steal our excellence. I know that I personally want to be right before the eyes of the Lord, and not let the thief come in to steel, kill, and destroy, who I am in Christ.

It's all in Perspective

It's all in perspective has been my motto this week. I'm choosing to look into things at a deeper level and understanding, instead of one sided. To find the positive in a negative situation. To see what is good. To be taught through a situation, and grow into a stronger person. To really respect God for everyday, the good and the bad.

I don't like rain I must admit, being stuck inside, but really not wanting to go anywhere. Trying to dig up the umbrella and wondering how it always disappears. Hoping that my basement doesn't flood. I guess because I can't change the rain, it's raining I have no power to say "rain rain go away, come again another day" and boom it listens. Just a couple of weeks ago it was raining and someone had said I hate rain, and these words came out of my mouth, We have to have the crappy days to get the beautiful ones. This is so true, but does the rain really have to be crappy? (sorry about the word crappy, but it's what I said) Can't the rain in some point of view be beautiful in itself? Not just when it goes away? Well today I got my answer, It's poring down rain, and Benji and I loaded up the kids to do our shopping for the week, and I was so happy to have him here with me on a day he would normally work. I realized that the rain was my gift today to spend time with my husband that I so desperately longed for. Enjoying the little moments that we have been given on this rainy day. Getting to enjoy the wonderful meal Benji cooked for lunch, instead of eating peanut butter and jelly once again. Cuddling on the couch under a blanket with the kids. Laughing at some comment my husband made, and just enjoying adult conversation. I'm thanking God for the rain today, instead of complaining like I normally do. I"m praying that in every situation when it "rains", I thank God for the beauty that is there all along. To openly see the good in what seems to be a bad situation, to trust that God allows the "rain" for His glory in the end.
Today was a gift to strengthen my marriage and deepen my love for my husband. I could choose to see it as just another rainy day, but I'm seeing it for what it really is, a gift. A good day. It's all in how we look at things. It's all in perspective.

For just a glimpse

How is it that we can be going through the exact same thing as someone we are close to and not even realize it? Is it because we don't want to come off weak, or afraid of being judged for not having it all together. That our relationship with God is not all that we think it should be. Afraid of getting hurt in the process, or hurting someone else. Are we afraid of being to vulnerable because someone may see who we really are, and not like the real me?
Well I'm just going to honest, these lies have to stop. We have to start asking the tough questions, and get down to the inner people we are. Be who God created us to be, speak truth over each other's lives. And stop and ask, and then Listen to each other, listen to the heart of a person. Be real with each other, not walk through things alone, didn't God create fellowship for a reason, so we could listen and help. Struggle together in this thing called life, so we can better ourselves for the real life God has for us. Saying out loud to each other our losses and our victories. Holding each other when it hurts and jumping for joy when it feels good. I am sick of lies keeping us (people in general) from fellowshipping in the way God intended us to do. Not going to each other in truth, and working on things we need to work on. Growing together for His glory and finding out what God is really doing when we just open up and listen.
I'm challenging myself to let down my guard and love people, with out any strings attached, or an award for doing whats right. Showing people the Love of God, and that they deserve it even when they don't think they do. Being who I am, and not settling for a part of who I am, giving people the real me, in hopes that they see a glimpse of His Glory.